How to thank male coworkers who have helped above and beyond

GramaNewYork

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 10:12 am

I have been in a field which is very difficult for me for the last 20 or so years. I sometimes think that the only reason I have managed to survive is because my bosses over the years have appreciated my good attitude. There are times when I really enjoy my work, but very often I feel scared and frustrated--anxious that I will be seen as very stupid because there are so many times I just don't understand and don't know how to do the job.
I have one male coworker with whom I have worked for ten years. We worked together for three years at one job and now seven years at another. Almost everyone with whom I work is a man. This guy and one other have helped me enormously over the last many years. It's difficult for me to describe how they have both saved me from humiliation. For them it's no big deal. They don't really realize just how much they have helped me or how much distress I'd have been in without their help. They like what they do and are very good at it.

My question is: It has come to the point that I really want to do something to show these two guys my appreciation. For example, I would like to take them out for lunch at a kosher restaurant (neither is Jewish). My husband says that it would not be appropriate for me to go alone with them. He is grudgingly willing to come with us, but he does not agree with my feeling that showing appreciation is necessary. I'm not sure if it's because it's true or because my husband KNOWS how to do HIS job very well, has an excellent reputation, people call him for advice often and so perhaps cannot understand what it has been like for me all these years.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid. But I work in a technical field that is ever changing and it's extremely hard for me. I've never been a good student. Also, I can never forget when someone has done a good turn for me.

Do you have any ideas on how I might show my appreciation to these two guys that would be appropriate? Do you think my husband is right -- that showing appreciation for all the times that have saved me from very unpleasant experiences is unnecessary and I'm overly appreciative?

brooklyn

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 10:20 am

They are coworkers you spend a good part of your day with them, you have to maintain a good working relationship with them. A gift for a thank you might be taken the worng way or create some embarresment on their part for something that they considerno big deal. How about a card to express how you feel. Maybe don't go to lunch but have lunch brought into the office. If you exchange gifts during holiday time, get them something a little more special than normal.

greenfire

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 11:14 am

I think that the amount of gratitude you have warrants special attention ... I would take them out to lunch ... but since your dh doesn't feel the same is there perhaps another person who could go with you and make it feel comfortable too... if not sometimes a h has to help despite his ability to understand ... this is just one of those situations and then convince him of how much you feel you need to do this and having him there would be his way of supporting your needs and hakaras hatov

GramaNewYork

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 11:21 am

Thank you, Greenfire, for understanding how much the help of these guys has done for me. I mean, in a way, I feel like I have kept a good job in large part thanks to them.

I told my husband that I would bring some ladies from work with me but he still seemed, somehow, uncomfortable.

You know, I feel better already, just knowing that you understand how I feel about it. I hope we don't lose this website.

GramaNewYork

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 11:26 am

Shanie5, your idea had crossed my mind, but I'll tell you why I preferred the going out for lunch option. Like Brooklyn said, these guys might feel awkward about being thanked, per se. If I take 'em out, I could say something like "I just wanted to take you out for a kosher meal". But giving them something worth money, is really pushing the "thanks" component by which they may be uncomfortable.

greenfire

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 11:36 am

most people appreciate being thanked and makes a difference in their lives ... albeit not done for a free lunch ... and giving them a gift certificate is not the same ... she needs to be with them as part of the thank you ... let the other women from the office come too ... it could be an office thing ... you treating the thank you guys and anyone else could join ... it totally makes sense gramaNY ... don't thank me ... you know in your gut you are right!!

chen

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 2:08 pm

DH is right, it would be very inappropriate to take them out to dinner yourself, and socially awkward if DH participated.

While I understand your feeling that you want to give a tangible gift, I'd be very wary of such a move as it could be misinterpreted in many ways. (Next thing you know they'll be posting on abbafather "My married female coworker gave me a gift...what do I do?" Smile

) A sincere verbal expression of thanks, along the lines of "the two of you have helped me so much over the years, sharing your knowledge and expertise and saving me from professional embarrassment. I appreciate all your help every day, b/c I wouldn't still be here if it weren't for you, and I know it. Thanks, guys." should suffice.

If you absolutely feel you must do something tangible, bring in a cake to share with the whole office You can make a joke of it, like " Today is officially designated as Coworkers Who Saved My Career Day, and this cake is in their honor." Since your two knights-errant seem to shun the limelight, don't make them the center of attention. Find something for which to thank everyone who will be there. (you sound like an appreciative and thoughtful kind of person, so I'm sure you can do this.) just keep it light and humorous.

"Thanks to Bella, whose nailpolish has saved my manicure more times than I can count; to Chuck who gives me phone numbers faster than calling 411; to Linda whose bright smile cheers me up when I come in every day. And last but not least to our manager Mr. Ubermann Grosskopf, for taking a leap of faith and hiring me in the first place..."

GramaNewYork

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 2:22 pm

Chen, my husband would be happy to hear your answer.

The thing is that I work on a team where people are really not very helpful. So these two really can't be thanked by way of the whole team.

I think the out-to-lunch idea is off the table (I would love to go out to lunch or coffee with all of you, though!). I do think that I will be giving something signficant to them at their holiday. I think they'd be more embarrased for me to say a detailed why-I'm-thanking them thing than to get a gift from me at that time of year.

Interestingly, hearing YOU say what I've been feeling has a very good effect on ME. It feels great to know that someone understands how I feel. You wrote:
"the two of you have helped me so much over the years, sharing your knowledge and expertise and saving me from professional embarrassment. I appreciate all your help every day, b/c I wouldn't still be here if it weren't for you, and I know it. Thanks, guys."

taffy

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 3:03 pm

gramma, I understand your overwhelming sense of gratitude. Perhaps the overwhelming sense of it is due in part to your own sense of inadequacy on the job, or in general...and as you yourself say, to them it's no big deal. You even acknowledge that they'd be uncomfortable with a big to-do about it...just goes to show once again doing something tangible is not in proportion to their contributions. Though in no way am I minimizing their contributions and how life-saving they were to you in your job. My personal opinion, and it's only my opinion nothing else, is that you can have the gratitude in your heart and verbalize it too, but to do something tangible somehow doesn't match the value of their contribution and the context within which it occurred (workplace). Remember, it's only my opinion, so just scroll on to the next one if this is not to your liking...
The most I would do is put a card on their desks, ''Just a note to let you know how deeply grateful I am for....." Written expressions of gratitude carry a lot more weight than all the presents in the world, at least for me. I work in a field where I do get gifts of appreciation from those I service. And I can honestly say the money, the gifts, they are meaningless to me. It's the thought behind them that matters. And the gifts I cherish most are those that come in the form of the written word, a card, a note, to express their thanks and appreciation.

Crayon210

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 3:17 pm

I think a letter would also be bordering on inappropriate.

If these men think it's no big deal, then you aren't doing anything wrong by not acknowledging what they've done for you. I think that from your perspective, it's a big deal and you'd want someone to thank you and get you a gift if you had done something like that, but from their perspective, it's unnecessary and might be misinterpreted. Add to that the fact that your husband is against the idea (perhaps because as a man he understands that it could be misunderstood?), and I think you're almost looking for problems where none exist.

This reminds me of all the ladies who buy their husbands cards that say all kinds of mushy things...do most husbands really like it, or do we women do it because that's what we'd want? It's human nature-that's why men buy women practical gifts instead of perfume and cards and candles. :-D

amother

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 3:40 pm

Crayon210 wrote:

This reminds me of all the ladies who buy their husbands cards that say all kinds of mushy things...do most husbands really like it, or do we women do it because that's what we'd want? It's human nature-that's why men buy women practical gifts instead of perfume and cards and candles. :-D

This is completely off topic, but I've done this for the first b-day for my husband after we were married (still in our shana rishona) and he was totally not appreciative. I mean he said thank you and read it in front of me and all but I could tell he thought it was weird. First I was really offended (didn't tell him) but now I totally see what Crayon is saying above and couldn't agree more. embarrassed

In terms of Grama's dilemma...I can understand somewhat in a sense that I work in a non jewish setting and things often get awkward when I try to be nice/friendly but not overstep the boundaries of tznius and halacha (like eating at the same table etc). Just as a side point - I think in the long run your shalom bayis is WAY more important than expressing gratitude to these people (albeit warranted). Why don't you ask your husband what he would suggest you do.

Hatzlacha!

taffy

Wed, Apr 18 2007, 6:14 pm

I'm not talking about mushy letters or stuff like that...in my post I was referring to a simple note, as in white paper. Why not? When I want to express appreciation to my LOR I do the same, I just write a short thank you note on a sheet of paper and fax it over. In other instances, with other male 'helpers' I've simply expressed my thanks at the end of any given 'helpful' incident. There's no need for superfluous gift-giving that doesn't match the help received. Look, if these male co-workers had renovated your home free of charge, that's a different story!
(Are you generally a highly emotional person?)