Too soon to be menachem avel?

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

agreer

Wed, Mar 26 2014, 8:26 pm

I've heard that only close friends go to be menachem avel in the first 2-3 days of Shiva. Is that true?

I'd like to go tomorrow, which would be day 3, so as to do it before Shabbos, because I know that Sunday it will be jammed and Monday is the last day.

I'm not super-close with the family sitting, but I definitely want to be menachem avel.

Thoughts?

ra_mom

Wed, Mar 26 2014, 8:33 pm

Day 3 is perfectly acceptable.
Besuros Tovos!

citimom

Wed, Mar 26 2014, 8:34 pm

I wouldn't go day 1 or 2 if not super close but any time after is fine!

amother

Wed, Mar 26 2014, 8:35 pm

I have heard this before, I don't know where the basis is for this....

I have also sat shiva before.

When I was sitting shiva I didn't notice/care who came on what day.
What I noticed what who actually came.
What I noticed was who may not have come and wondered why (not in a judging way but what happened?)
What I noticed were the people who brought little kids (I thought is was wrong place, I understand you may not be able to come without the kids, then call and don't come)

Our minhag is that women don't go to cemetery for levaya, so my sister and I started sitting shiva before the rest of my family. My mothers best friends where there with us. I think that for those 2 hours it would have been weird for random people to have come, but once the entire family was back and we were all sitting together I dont see why someone shouldn't go.

yo'ma

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 4:24 am

We only sat for 2 1/2 days, so everyone came in those days. It would have been nice if we had a few days just to ourselves, just siblings and my father.

amother

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 5:35 am

amother wrote:

I never go unless I'm super close with the person sitting. It's not because I don't care--I most definitely do, it's just that I know that if God forbid I was in that situation I don't think I'd want visitors and I would resent people coming so they can get their mitzvah on my expense (even though I know they mean well). And being as I don't know what an individual person prefers it's easiest to assume they want the same thing I'd want and just not go. (This also makes it awkward when you meet up afterwards so I often just pretend nothing happened).

egam

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 5:52 am

I only heard about not going the first day. So day 3 would be OK to go IMHO.

nyer1

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 6:31 am

ive never heard that only close people come on day 1 or 2. go when it is convenient for you. obviously going 7 am or 10pm isn't appropriate but within reason, you can go really any time during the week

egam

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 6:45 am

From chabad.org

Comforting the Bereaved

"If possible, it should be delayed until the third day after interment. This advice is given because the mourner's wound is fresh, and the deceased is constantly in his mind. However, if for some reason this cannot be arranged, the visit may be made even on the very first day. Comforting the bereaved actually begins at the cemetery when the mourners leave the grave passing through parallel rows of friends and relatives."

amother

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 6:50 am

egam wrote:

I'm the amother who wrote that I don't see why not. I know the people who come for minyan is different than the people coming for being Menachem Avel, but starting the day of burial my house had at least 50 men at each minyan. That meant that twice a day starting within hours of the burial we would sit there and a row of men would take procession and say hamakom to us. Maybe that helped "desensitize"me, once there were people it didn't make a difference if they were close or not close. The close worked out there day to be there as often as possible for as long as possible.

grace413

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 6:57 am

I think it also depends on the circumstances of the death. When chas ve'chalila a death is sudden and unexpected or lo aleinu, the death of a child or young person, I feel it's better for those not closest to the family to wait a bit - the family is in too much shock.

Just my personal feelings.

greenfire

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 1:52 pm

there are 7 days of shiva ... go when you can - it's better than not going at all

amother

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 2:01 pm

I'm in Israel and have been told that here there's no such thing as waiting till day 3. We're all family.

lkwdmommy

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 2:07 pm

greenfire wrote:

there are 7 days of shiva ... go when you can - it's better than not going at all

Actually, to be technical, there are only 6 days because the aveilim get up on the morning of the 7th day. Then, you have to scratch Shabbos, leaving 5 days to be menachem avel. On the short Fridays, there is not much time there, so you only have 4 days left.

It is not really recommended to go the first 2 days, but if that is the only time you can make it, it is better than not going at all.

Levtov

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 7:47 pm

I have also sat shiva. My recommendation is: Go anytime, stay very little time to show you care and say Hamokom Yenachem Eschem...and leave. No questions, etc. (except if you feel the person wants you to stay)

greenfire

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 8:28 pm

lkwdmommy wrote:

Actually, to be technical ...

no need to get technical ... my point stands even moreso

seeker

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 9:19 pm

There is a thing to wait, but day 3 is already in the more acceptable zone, plus if it's a choice between going too early or not going at all (e.g. you won't be able to make it on a different day) then it is better to go early than not to go (not my personal opinion, this is a halachic psak I was given)

chocolate moose

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 2:44 pm

If the person sitting has very little family, going early is fine. No one wants to sit by themselves.

Going on the last night doesn't do anyone any favors.

Page 1 of 1