Did/do you lie to your child's school about media usage?

amother

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 10:22 pm

amother wrote:

Quote:

I don't send to schools that have rules I can't or won't keep. Problem solved.

If only life were so simple! We have 3 schools in my city, 2 of which aren't a good fit for our family. One is MO, which isn't our hashkafa. One is a day school with a huge spectrum of families, which in some ways is good, but means that about 70% of the kids are immersed in pop culture (tv, movies, music, unfiltered internet), and I don't want that for my kids.

And the third school doesn't allow internet? If you have a computer, and lied on the application, isn't it unfair to the parents who don't want that for their kids?

amother

Thu, Mar 27 2014, 10:41 pm

Quote:

And the third school doesn't allow internet? If you have a computer, and lied on the application, isn't it unfair to the parents who don't want that for their kids?

No, I didn't lie. I was the one who said that the school requires no tv. And we don't have a tv. But I do watch tv shows online when my kids aren't home. And if you have internet, you have to sign that you have a filter. Like I said, we do have a filter. But it's almost worthless. I think their form is naive in many ways, but I'm glad it is.

I would estimate 60% of the families in the school are holding where we are with technology. Another 20% is super shtark yeshivish and the other 20% is much more permissive than the majority of the parents. I agree it would be unfair to send to a school where my kids were exposing other kids to stuff, but that's not the case. My kids aren't allowed to use the internet ever. But, and this is a huge but, they know that Mommy and Totty use it a lot, and that we do good things with it. They also know that the internet has good stuff and bad stuff on it, and that when they're out of school, we'll teach them how to use it responsibly. It's not forbidden fruit the way some families do, where they say internet is evil and it makes the kids have a huge yetzer hora for it.

Tablepoetry

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 3:42 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

What happens once your children learn/find out that you are lying about something so fundamental? I would lose trust in my parents if I learned that they were lying about something so big. Scratching Head

I guess the kids just learn that sometimes you say 'white lies' to get by.
Like at the amusement park, how many parents will say their child is a year younger than s/he is, just so they can be admitted to their favorite kiddie ride?
Not that I support this, just saying I don't think it spells the end of trust. It probably does spell the end of pure innocence though. More of a realistic, cynical approach to life.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 3:55 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

I was talking about an age way beyond the age when you may lie about their age at the park. I was talking about maybe the age of 10 or so and older, not younger when they dont really know the difference. Im talking about an age when they KNOW that the parents are lying.
I have a relative who does this. They lie about the interent and the kids know about the dichotomy that is going on in their home and school. Let me just tell you, their family life is anything but normal.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 4:06 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

Shabbat, I agree that it's problematic.
But BTW, I have seen many many a parent lie and say their 6 yr old is 5 or their 7 yr old is 6....these kids know very well how old they are, and know their parents are lying.
Lying, in front of your kids, is not limited to charedi school admission.

Im not saying its limited to the school admission. Im just saying its wrong, and a bit lie in my mind.
I agree with you that they are all wrong, but I feel that this one, having to do with ones hashkafa is somehow bigger. I know that its not, but it sure feels that way.
Like I said I know a family personally who does this. I have a lot of words for them, but they do this all of the time.
As I said at the beginning of this thread, the rabbanim who are making these rules, they are the ones who are perpetuating the lying as well. Its all wrong.

Tablepoetry

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 4:14 am

I agree - it's wrong. The whole system is twisted.
But I don't judge the individuals so fast.
I know I have the option of many schools around here that accept me as I am.
Let's just posit a possible scenario: Let's say that all the dati, mamad schools in Israel decided that they would not accept your dd if you did not totally ban all secular literature, newpapers, radio, TV and internet in your home.
What would you do? You have three options.
1) Send to the local secular school, even though you are religious.
2) Get rid of all the secular stuff.
3) Understate AKA lie about how much secular media you have in your home, knowing full well that most of the student body would do the same.

It's not such a crazy scenario. There are cities here in Israel where the DL schools are becoming more and more fanatically RW, even though the population isn't necessarily like that. What does one do?

invisiblecircus

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 4:27 am

amother wrote:

So what is someone who lives in a community where NO school allows what they needs Internet wise (be it professional or psychological - I know some sahms who would go off the deep end literally without amazon- reasons) not everyone can pick up and move.

There's always public school! Thumbs Up

I would NEVER send my child to a school that dictated what media I can and can't have in my house.

OP, you say that your DH does not use the computer, only the tablet. I don't understand what the difference is from the school's perspective. Both have internet access don't they? Why is one problematic and the other not?

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 4:41 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

I would not send to a school where I knew I was going to be going against the rules. No, Im sorry. I dont live that way. If it meant that we send to a local secular school then so be it or we would move to an area that had schools where we could follow the rules fully.
I really believe this lying is fundamentally wrong. If you want to go to a school, you keep the rules.
I am so glad that there is a mamad in my area where we can live our lives how we see fit and it corresponds to how the school runs itself as well.
Lying about these things may not lose your child's trust but it is sending the wrong message. Its "lets do one thing even though the school that we are sending you to, to educate you into a good learned person, is teaching something else. To me that is not a good message for any child.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 4:44 am

invisiblecircus wrote:

There's always public school! Thumbs Up

I was wondering that too. Both have internet. Why is one better than the other? They both can do the same things.

DrMom

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 5:58 am

amother wrote:

Quote:

And the third school doesn't allow internet? If you have a computer, and lied on the application, isn't it unfair to the parents who don't want that for their kids?

I agree their policies are stupidly written. Hey, that works for you for the time being. I don't think you are lying.
If they rewrote their policies to make them stricter, what would you do?

DrMom

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 6:02 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

invisiblecircus wrote:

Quote:

There's always public school!

I would NEVER send my child to a school that dictated what media I can and can't have in my house.

OP, you say that your DH does not use the computer, only the tablet. I don't understand what the difference is from the school's perspective. Both have internet access don't they? Why is one problematic and the other not?

I was wondering that too. Both have internet. Why is one better than the other? They both can do the same things.

I agree.

The full name for a tablet = tablet computer/tablet PC.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tablet_computer

In fact, unlike a more conventional computer (which can be used for actual hard-core *computing*), a tablet is optimized specifically for viewing multimedia content.

imaima

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 6:50 am

DrMom wrote:

I assume, the tablet has a filter and the laptop doesn't.

Sanguine

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 8:22 am

I'm so glad that my kid's schools have the same hashkafa as us. My kids learn stuff from the school that we don't necessarily do (or don't), but that's good - everyone should always be trying to elevate themselves. My kids might come home with chumras or minhagim that they never saw at home and they want to start doing that, but nothing is ever taught like "you have to" (and there certainly aren't rules for the parents!) - They don't come home with rules that we oppose. More likely, we just don't do it. In the end we also learn from the schools through our kids.

I'd say if you can't keep the school rules, switch schools but I know that isn't so easy - There may not even exist a school that is perfect for you. It's just a shame cause the kids miss out on some of the Chinuch when they feel that their family doesn't follow what the school teaches - Then how do the kids know what they should listen and learn from?

MrsDash

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 8:36 am

invisiblecircus wrote:

There's always public school! Thumbs Up

That was one of various other reasons why we picked up, and moved. We didn't even attempt to apply anywhere, because we knew none of the schools would accept our child, and the public school system where we lived was an absolute mess. (I felt that in kindergarten, a child shouldn't have to know what rejection felt like. It wasn't as if any of those schools were highfalutin or prestigious on ANY level.) Here, there's a day school, and if for some reason it doesn't work out, they have very nice public schools in town.

amother

Fri, Mar 28 2014, 9:16 am

As someone who felt they same way, how could you mislead the school etc. Until I had to move to a community where I had to follow all these rules.

I am able to keep 95% of them, however for the other 5% I don't have to answer to anyone. I don't even consider it lying who has the right to dictate every move I make. So for my sanity and and the ability to raise my children as I see fit, I do what I need to do.

It is easy to talk until you walk in their shoes, believe me I know now.

Do I think what I am doing is immoral, no I don't. My children don't feel like hypocrites because the majority of their friends families do the same thing. When you make rules that the majority can't keep that is what happens.

Life is not black and white.