chinuch for the shy kid

amother

Sun, Mar 30 2014, 1:24 pm

my 3 yo boy is a shy kid. I think he's rather thinking too much of himself and trying to protect himself, his dignity. he can also be very tough with his opinions. ex: he won't talk too fast to kids he never met. sometimes extreme, he will stick to me for the whole hour I'm in the park while I try to get him to play with others.
so my question is to just let it go as time will heel, while I try to encourage him or like my dh thinks to force him and put him in positions he must be alone. Dh is embarrassed to take him along to shul or to friends. He gets mad when our son is this way. He sometimes punishes son and says this is the only way to go.
What do you think? Thanks,

amother

Sun, Mar 30 2014, 1:29 pm

I'm from the other thread. My son is also 3 and very shy. Some people are introverts, that's life. Please do not force or punish! He really may be an introvert, you and DH have to accept that! I know it's not easy, I am an extrovert and had to learn to accept it too.
If you have other concerns- like he doesn't make eye contact- then get him evaluated so he can get help. Also, it is important to teach shy kids manners- when someone says hi, say hi back- but beyond that, there is no reason to force him into a mold that doesn't work.

amother

Sun, Mar 30 2014, 1:44 pm

I'm op of this thread, sorry other op for starting up this similar topuc, I wasn't reading your thread untill now.
You're right as to not force the child, that's what I agree but dh is not. At home he's very different and that's why dh gets so embarrassed when he's with others. As funny it is but dchild will probably say mah nishtanu at the seider at grandparents house though maybe a little quiet but when it comes to questions he gets blank like when someone asks his name.
He also starts acting so strange when he's with new kids and knows that he should go play with them.

5*Mom

Sun, Mar 30 2014, 2:07 pm

amother wrote:

I think it would be a good idea for you and your DH to read up on children's social-emotional development. I'd recommend Gordon Neufeld, and you can Google "attachment theory."

You are completely misinterpreting your child's behavior and assigning thoughts and motivations that I am sure your 3-yr-old cannot possibly have. A 3-yr-old is just a baby. The behaviors that you mention are perfectly normal and not at all extreme. It sounds like you are expecting way to much of him.

A child needs a secure attachment relationship in order to be ready to venture out into the wide world of social interaction. Pushing or even strongly encouraging your child to play with other children when he doesn't want to or feels uncomfortable doing so--not at all uncommon at this tender age--will actually backfire and make him clingier and more reluctant. What your child needs is to be allowed to stay close to you when he wants to and to have your support for his decision to do so. If your DH cannot handle it when your son doesn't perform at shul or with friends, please don't send your son with him to these places.

His *shyness* may in fact be temperamental, part of his personality, or he may just need more nurturing from you and your husband before he feels secure enough to begin interacting with others. Let your son be the guide and follow his lead.

zaq

Sun, Mar 30 2014, 6:43 pm

Shyness is neither a character defect nor a mental illness, provided that it isn't so extreme that it gets in the way of living a normal life. Your dh needs to take a chill pill. First of all, 3 is still a baby, and it's not as if your ds is dragging his dad along to his interview at Harvard Law School or his farher at BMG Lakewood. Secondly, some people are naturally slow to warm up, needing time to acclimate to new situations and people. This is just a different location on the normal curve, not a dysfunction. Some children outgrow this, and some do not.

I don't get the question of "chinuch" for shyness. Shyness is not a matter of education. It is true that highly motivated teens and adults can be coached to act as if they are not shy, but usually they are still shy inside, merely putting on an act on the outside. Your ds is 3, for goodness' sake--don't expect him to act like an adult. It's hard enough to make a 3-y/o use the common polite formulas like sharing, waiting one's turn and saying please, thank you, and may I. Let him get the basics of polite behavior down pat before you try to make a social buterfly out of him--which you may not ever be able to do in any case.

The absolutely worst thing you can do is try to force your ds to be something he is not--unless you want him to grow up hating you, and spending time with a therapist later in life recalling how you tortured him by forcing him to
do what he's not ready to do.

the world's best mom

Sun, Mar 30 2014, 8:56 pm

Have you ever felt shy in your life? Shyness is a fear, and it is totally normal. It is definitely not something to punish a kid for- nobody becomes less fearful because he got a potch from his parents for no good reason.

Instead, you need to be encouraging him and helping him through the situations that are too much for him. Once he does it with you help a number of times, he may become a bit more comfortable speaking up for himself.

He is not as shy at home because there he feels a safety net under him. That is his safe haven, though it may stop being so if he starts getting potches there for being shy.

observer

Sun, Mar 30 2014, 10:05 pm

As a mother of a very very shy child.....

PLEASE do not force him or punish him!!! That is the worst thing to do and can only be counterproductive!

Give him the security of being with him, you can gently coax him, you can role-play situations when you are at home to prepare him, and give him time. You can tell him stories about situations where people overcame shyness (pressure-free)...

Please please please do NOT punish him or force him.

5*Mom

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:33 am

amother wrote:

I'm op. Thank you all for answering me. What if dh does think this is the way to go by forcing, how can I change his view? He won't read any books maybe only what I can tell and convince him. I do try to explain dh but he thinks his way is right. Thanks

In all honesty, I am very concerned by the way you describe your DH, his expectations of, and his interactions with your son. If your DH really thinks this is an appropriate way to treat a 3-yr-old and won't open his mind enough to read a book or actually learn something about child development, I fear for your child. I'd consider your husband abusive. I almost never say this. Never. I'm saying it now. I wouldn't keep a child of mine around a father who is the way your husband sounds.

smss

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 8:54 am

5*Mom wrote:

I agree.

I opened this thread for the first time a couple hours ago and I can't stop thinking about it. forcing a scared 3 year old to be alone with strangers & punishing him for being shy?! that is emotional abuse- no question about it.