Ideas of responses for sweet shy 1st grader when "bullied"

amother

Sun, Mar 30 2014, 10:14 pm

My child is very shy and quiet in school, and not one to start up with others. She has a very good self-esteem and has friends, but when classmates make comments to her or start taking her things away, she has a hard time standing up for herself to them. She is very sweet and gentle and does not want to make an issue about it. However, they continue to say things and take her stuff away from her because she doesn't stop them. Also: she will not tell her morah. she talks to the other kids but has a harder time approaching a morah.

I would like to teach her to stand up for herself more if kids say "You don't know how to say ____" (untrue- no speech issues b"h) or "I'm not your friend" or "You're so fat" (also not true but not ok to say regardless!). Or if they dump out the contents of her knapsack, or take her markers etc.

I was thinking of doing some role-playing situations at home, so she can practice good responses in a confident manner and hopefully begin to use them as needed in school. I obviously dont want to teach her to be mean, but just to stand up for herself (which she b'h has no problem at all doing at home Smile

).

So what do you think some good responses or appropriate comebacks to the above situations might be?
Thanks!

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Mar 30 2014, 10:30 pm

What would you do yourself, if it were you? I bet it would be a bit more than words.

Discuss this with your colleagues, her teachers.

Have her father bring her to school, and hang around being visible with his arm around her. He should not smile.

You might consider taking her to a private sort of place, maybe an empty gym or something, and teach her to scream. A real screech, top volume. No words, just "Aaaeeee!" or "Noooooo!"

A loud scream both attracts the attention of the authorities, and it scares the savages. It also makes no sense, which unnerves the savages. They are not sure what comes next, and they run.

She can't be disciplined for violence if all she did was scream, but she kept her hands to herself.

Her friends won't hold it against her.

In the American Civil War some soldiers yelled as they advanced. Yes, that side lost. But it was better than this demure silence she is doing.

If that's hard, give her a soda can with pennies in it and the hole taped closed. Or two. Have her shake it hard. Or an emergency whistle from the hardware store. That will startle the little dears who empty her bookbag that you packed so carefully.

I read that bullying has lifelong effect. It reduces lifelong earnings drastically and seriously injures mental health and relationships, long, long after school is a distant memory. For the bully too! These are formative years.

We defeated the bad guys seventy years ago, there is no need to terrorize our children today. That war is over. Let it stay over.

I emphasize there is no harmless incident. Even one is way too much.

If you really are surrounded by soul-less savages, you may have to move OOT or home school or both.

http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UT.....hsz_e

(My private take is this situation is hopeless and you have to withdraw her, but I don't want to say that. So I didn't say that. Ignore this parenthesis.)

Petra

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:13 am

Who is doing the bullying? Find out and put a stop to it. They wont just bully your kid but every other polite decent kid that comes along at the next opportunity. There is nothing wrong with your kid. It's the bully who is the problem. Hopefully with time your daughter can see that it is not wrong to be forceful and say No! or Stop it! It wont happen overnight I dont think.

The other thing is, why does she not see her morahs as people she can go to in time of need?!

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:36 am

Petra, it is the Code of the Kid. Particularly of the quite scared kid, rather than the mildly scared kid. If you go to the teacher, they hurt you even worse, because you are a snitch. So you learn to eat your status as Worm, and the walls never hear your silenced screams of self disgust, terror, self loathing and despair. Charming.

I am bemused to learn that children need martial (the word means War) training to cohabit smoothly with their fellow infant tots who still can't cross the street alone. Charming. What's next, concealed carry among the infant set? With friends like these ... you know the rest. I am not objecting to the training, just this particular kind of need for it.

I remark again that the studies show the same ill effects on the bullies themselves. Lifelong. Countless thousands of dollars in lost earnings.

Unpleasant websites about how the derech is all a farce. Hmm.

Onisa

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 4:07 am

Me and my mother in me cries out saying change schools, go homeschooling.
But I understand a lot of people will find that extreme.
Yes. Im coming from a very different background than americans but in my country if such thing is happening with kids at such of small age it is a good sign to run away.

Look! You daughter is sweet nice and well-behaved but for whatever strange reason SHE has to learn to protect and ect. All by herself. All alone?

No. You go to school, teacher, principal, childrens' parents and put and end to it. Yes, maybe it can be awkward in the begining maybe some "smart educators" will give you a talk on importance of self-bully-defence. You can close your ears and go all the ways until you child will feel protected and comfortable again.

I and some of my friends very bullied in different ages. Believe me it never ends in one fight or in one word. If she answers she will give them a signal that she wants to play the gave who will harass more?

They wont stop just after one incident.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 5:40 am

Sit in the class and observe for at least a half day. Do this a few times, and always do it without prior warning. Your appearance has to be unpredictable, because the other kids and the morahs need to be kept on their toes. If they never know when you will show up, then they'll feel less empowered to let this sort of thing continue.

Some morahs see bullying as "learning social skills" and "building character". They actively avoid getting involved at all. They think kids "need to figure it out for themselves." In the meantime, your child suffers immense harm. (I know, because it happened to me in early elementary grades, and it happened to DD as well.)

Once I started showing up randomly at DD's school, and hanging out for an hour, a half hour, or a half a day, things improved quite a bit. The teacher shot me dirty looks the whole time, but I just smiled and observed. It helps to be VERY friendly and helpful with all of the school staff, volunteer to chaperone, etc.

I can turn from "nice mom" to "THAT parent" in 2 seconds flat, and there's something about the way I carry myself that makes sure that everyone around me knows that. Seriously, people tend to want to stay on my good side, and I never raise my voice. Wink

m in Israel

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 5:47 am

I agree with the other posters that this is something to be taken seriously. I'm not sure why you put "bullied" in quotation marks in your title, as if to imply some doubt as to whether this was real bullying or not. Well, it most certainly is. Calling a 1st grader names and making fun of her, and even violating her physically by dumping her bag or taking her markers is VERY SERIOUS BULLYING and you need to intervene NOW! Yes, work on teaching her to be assertive. But get on the phone immediately with the teachers and find out what is going on and how they are going to protect your child.

The #1 job of a parent, before anything else, is to keep their child safe. Protecting her from bullying is an important part of that job.

deena19k

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 4:39 pm

m in Israel wrote:

Yes!! How can u sit and let this happen to your daughter without doing anything about it??!! Please do something!

mommy3b2c

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 5:25 pm

The topic of bullying is one that I have a lot of strong feelings about. There is so much to say, and hard to write it all down. But I will give some examples of how I educate my own children about bullying. My sons are seven and five years old. They both know what bullying is. I explain it to them repeatedly and I explain the psychological concept of it as well. They know that bullies are unhappy people that put others down to make themselves better. They know that bullies act mean to get a reaction and that if they don't react then the bully will back down. They are also both trained in martial arts, and understand the concept of self defense, and that the only acceptable time to fight is in self defense. When they act mean to others I explain that they are being the bullies, and teach them to empathize with others. I also explain to them that there are four types of people in any bullying situation. 1)Bully 2)Victim 3) Bystanders 4) and the "superhero"-the person who goes to the rescue of the victim. I teach my children that they must always be the superhero. When we talk about the superhero, we clap and cheer and jump up and down. I also try to instill as much confidence in my kids as I can. My kids rarely bully or get bullied, and if they ever are-they recognize what it is and tell me about it and we work on ways to resolve the issues. It is hard for me to advise you on the situation with your daughter, because I'm not there, but I definitely think it will be a start to explain all the things I wrote above to her. You should also speak to the teacher, and make sure that your daughter is protected. You must not allow her to be bullied no matter what! If it means you need to switch her class or her school, then do. But start with instilling confidence in her, and letting her know that she is a super kid and nothing the other kids do to her can effect her, because she is amazing!

amother

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 6:21 pm

Do you live in Lakewood? Dr. Koslowitz teaches a class called KidPreserver for bullied children. She came and spoke in my daughter's school and totally resolved the bully problem. Maybe she does something similar in a school in your area? Basically, she taught all the kids how to respond to a bully, and taught them all what bullying looks like, why it's so serious, and how to know what to do when a friend is being bullied. She also gave a class to the mothers. I happen to not have the problem - my kid is eight going on twenty eight, but it was good to hear.
And I liked that the school took one girl's problem so seriously that they made a whole program out of it for the whole class. IMHO they all benefited.
Good luck

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 6:44 pm

amother wrote:

One of my son's had an issue with bullying in his class. I found a great book in the seforim store. I think it is called "My friend the Bully" by Rivka Schonfeld from the SOS program. We read the book a few times and did some role playing. It really helped the situation B"H.

That sounds interesting.

Here is the book

http://www.feldheim.com/my-fri......html

amother

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 8:01 pm

amother wrote:

I second the book. It was a tremendous help in facilitating discussions with one of my children when he was a victim of bullying. A social skills counselor may also be helpful in working with your child and giving her the skills and confidence needed to deal with these situations.

amother

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 10:22 pm

OP here. Thank you all for the responses. I have been in touch with the teacher and she is trying to address it on both ends. She is also in touch with the school social worker and will ask her advice in dealing with this. DD is just very shy and even though she may know how to respond, and knows that she can approach a teacher, her extreme shyness gets in the way. She is not shy with her friends at all.

Blue jay

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 11:43 pm

#1 Talk to the teacher and tell her whats going on

#2 Tell your dd you spoke to the teacher and that she is aware of the situation. Your dd needs to know that if she is being bullied then she must tell the morah and tell you.

#3- Here is the tricky part. Get the whole story and nothing but the whole story. Who is the ring leader? Kids operate in packs and usually there is one who is starting the trouble and the others are chiming in.
Find out who the the lead bully is and call the mother and tell her whats going on. Then call the assistant bullies mothers as well and let them know what is going on. Chances are you can break up the "pack" by doing this because the assistant bullies really don't want to be labeled as bad or problem children.

#4- Keep asking your dd if everything is ok in school and if all else fails (g-d Forbid) arrange a meeting with principal and parents of the bullies.

#5 Teach your daughter that if she is cornered and is being bullied that she should say in a loud and clear voice "Leave me alone!" Role play and you (mom) pretend to be the bully, tell your dd to make you shake in your boots.

#6 Encourage your dd's friendships and tell her to play with her friends and stay away from the bullies.

Blue jay

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 11:47 pm

I dont think your dd is shy, I might venture to say that she is afraid of how to handle the whole situation.
She needs to know that she has some control over the situation.
Empower your dd and give her the support and tools (which you are doing) and she will learn to stand up for herself and protect herself.

I hate bullies!
Sending Lots of love to your dd! She will get through this!

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 11:56 pm

OP you say she is not shy with her friends.

"DD is just very shy and even though she may know how to respond, and knows that she can approach a teacher, her extreme shyness gets in the way. She is not shy with her friends at all.

Fine, she isn't shy, then.

OP, read what you wrote. You contradict yourself.

She's just terrorized with this other situation. Yes, terrorized. It is not impossible at all that she has been told by the kids that if she complains to the teacher that act will be punished, and much worse.

She is being trained.

She has learned.

Some kids are just good-looking, dear, nice, and smart, and these "perfect" ones are ground to a powder by the ones who don't feel so perfect, or cool. They have nothing to lose. They know nobody would think much of them anyway.

If a normally not-shy kid is now being described as "very shy," a lot may have happened already, OP!!

She may need a shadow.