Ideas of responses for sweet shy 1st grader when "bullied"

Blue jay

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 11:14 am

"contradicting" is such a strong term...I think what Dolly and myself included is driving at is that her daughter is not 'shy" when it comes to approaching the teacher, really she is scared or does not feel that she is allowed to or even has that option.

I always tell my kids who are about the same age that if anyone bothers them they must tell the teacher and if the teacher does not fix the problem then they must tell me!

My kid comes home and says:" Mommy, so and so did this to me today...."
then I say "So did you tell the teacher ? and what did she do?"

Its natural for a child to feel intimidated by the teacher, or too scared and upset to move to the next step. Thats where the op can step in and help her grow.

Just the dd knowing that mom is on her side as well as the teacher will give her confidance.

amother

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 12:16 pm

My older daughter had trouble with a bully who made very cruel comments to her intended to make her feel badly about her personal situation. I spoke to the school administration, but they told me that the teacher said everything was fine (because the bully never made the comments in the teacher's hearing, and my daughter felt like the teacher ignored her when she tried talking about it). I think they tried calling in the bully but she denied the whole thing. The school guidance counselor told me that the problem was that my daughter needed counseling to deal with her personal situation. I told the counselor, "If she were overweight and being teased because of it, would you tell her to go on a diet?"

Still I didn't get much of a response until another student overheard one truly nasty comment. This student was so upset by the comment that she repeated it to her mother, who was so disturbed that she complained to the principal. The principal called in the bully and her parents and told them that if they heard about any other comments, they'd suspend her for the day. They continued to maintain their daughter's blamelessness, but after that the nastiness stopped.

I also discussed the problem with a therapist, who told me to role-play with my daughter and teach her that if the bully makes a rude comment, to loudly reply with phrases like, "What a mean thing to say" and "Why would you say something like that? What's wrong with you?" Responses like that put negative attention back on the bully, where it belongs, and attract support from bystanders and friends.

My youngest daughter started attending a new school this year. Another girl started calling her names and physically attacking her. My daughter is quite shy and had trouble communicating with teachers, so I knew the role-playing described above wouldn't work for her. Instead I spoke to the teachers and, when this didn't seem to help, I called the principal after each physical attack. They spoke to the other girl's parents and the teasing and attacks stopped.

If your daughter can learn and use these responses, they can be empowering, but it's best if you can get the teacher and other members of the school administration to support you. It might be a good idea to find out who the ringleader it. Tell the teacher what's going on and ask her to keep an eye on how the other girl interacts with your daughter. If that doesn't help, seek support from the principal.

These stories can end well . Both of my daughters consider these former bullies to be friends now (though they're not especially close to them).

Blue jay

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 12:19 pm

Intimidated meaning, on a first grade level....

"like, I dont want to tell the teacher whats going on because maybe he/she will get mad at me."

or "I dont want to ' ' '' because I might bother he/she or that they are not going to help me"

or I dont want to ' '' because my teacher is big and not my mommy and I only tell my mommy my problems"

The child needs to be taught how to communicate with the teacher for help. I'm not accusing the teacher of any wrongful intimidation (c'v) Im just tapping into the mind of a 6 year old. I was once 6 years old you know... back in the day (way back)

5*Mom

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 12:28 pm

QueenBee3 wrote:

Yes, I know what you mean. All of those are problematic.

Children need to be taught how to communicate with the teacher for help as part of an intentional transition period when they first begin attending school. And again every year. Not knowing how to get help and care from a teacher--and not knowing that one even can get help or care from a teacher--contributes directly to bullying for both the bullied and the bully.

ETA links:

http://www.ccpa-accp.ca/blog/?p=360

http://www.parentscanada.com/s.....-made

amother

Tue, Apr 01 2014, 1:02 pm

Back to your original post, "dumping out the contents of a knapsack" or "taking away markers" in first grade is NOT normal. There are some social skills that are missing that need to be enforced from the teacher's end. It's important for children to be aware of others' personal space and to know how to respect that. It is quite possible that if the "bully" is coming from a large class, doesn't get a lot of attention, etc., she was never given the proper tools for how to behave. I know that in the school that my dd attends, her (first grade) teacher is very careful about being on top of that, and to role play and really enforce proper behavior. The girls have a lot of "hand-holding" when it comes to peer/personal space/property respect.