middleschool girls "drama"

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

Middleschool girls "drama"

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ruby slippers

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 8:45 am

Advice please- got a call from one of my dd's classmates mothers, asking if I was aware that my dd may be avoiding her daughter, (I am aware), my daughter asked me not to get involved. This young lady is off again on again my dd's friend- only when she is in a fight with her little clique- recently she was on the outs with the clique and tried to be friendly with my dd who was willing to give it a try, but was cautious because she was tired of being used. The mother had called me earlier in the year telling me her daughter is tired of the bickering within her clique and would like to be my dd's friend and I did mention to her that my dd has noticed the pattern and I explained to the mother the pattern and that my dd was tired of being used. When the mother called again last night asking what happened and she thinks the girls should sit down and talk and work things out. I told her I would discuss with dd but no promises. Finally got our from my dd why she is avoiding this girl. it seems she is always saying mean things to her, like you are so weird or why are you wearing a bow in your hair that's for babies or those new shoes are ugly. This girl also has been talking to another girl about my dd and got back to my dd. I Don't blame my dd for not wanting to be best buds with this girl. I told my dd she had to be polite and reminded her of the prikei avos of greeting everyone with a smile. My dd has no desire to sit and talk this out with the other girl. She is tired of trying and I don't blame her and she does not want the continued drama of "are you my friend are you angry at me" or being dropped like a hot potato and being completely ignored etc. and I don't feel I need to push the issue. Any advice on what to say to the mother, do I tell her everything or just tell her the girls should just be cordial to each other? Advice??????

rising hero

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 9:08 am

How old is your daughter? Don't you think mothers should stay out of the drama? Let the girls fight it out between themselves. And tell that mother so. You can't force your daughter with whom she should be friends.

PinkFridge

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 9:15 am

It sounds like your daughter's taking the high and safe road. I would say something very pareve to the mother if she pursues this.
Is there a teacher or mechaneches you feel could handle this well? If so, I would speak to her first to clue her in, telling her that from your daughter's side intervention doesn't seem necessary, then steer the mother to her if she's relentless.

naturalmom5

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 9:22 am

If these girls are like 6/7 then it's no milk and cookies and no recess until you play nicely

If they are over 13 , STAY OUT OF IT
WHATEVER YOU WILL JUST BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE

Let your daughter take care of it on her own

PinkFridge

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 9:26 am

I do think it's be stay out. It is good that OP has such good communication with her daughter because it would be sad if her daughter found herself marginalized. Which is why communication with someone in the school IF (big if) there is someone really trustworthy, such as a teacher, guidance counselor, principal, to talk to is not necessarily a bad idea.

bubbebia

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 9:32 am

6th grade? I have always said that 11 year old girls are the worst creatures HKB"H, in all his wisdom, ever created. Hormones. They are witchy, obnoxious, catty, and ever other word you can think of to describe nastiness. I remember what my girls went through at those ages. It wasn't pleasant. But, OP, this too shall pass. It might take about 5 years, but it does pass. And your DD is right, you need to stay out of it. Sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, thanks to you, and is aware of the stuff that's going on. She's no fool and seems quite capable of handling the stuff herself. Let her.

In terms of dealing with the other mom, I think you may have to just tell her to butt out and let the girls handle it themselves and you are not getting involved. Of course, if something bad happens, you might have to, but you don't right now. Good luck.

ruby slippers

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 9:33 am

op here- the girls are in 7th grade- it would be much easier with no milk and cookies! I understand it is a time of crazy hormones, trying to figure yourself out in relationship to the world etc. I have spoken to the mechaneches in general about the class because this kind of snootiness seems to be rampant in this class, although individually you would never know it they are very sweet, and the school has been great trying to be on top of it by having the guidance counselor meet with the class once a week talking about healthy relationships etc and expressing feelings and how everyone's feelings are valid etc.(which I also think is great even they are young it plants the seeds as to finding a good shidduch as well).

When I shared with my dh he agreed with all of you- why pull more drama into all of this-

It sounds like I should say to the mother my dd really does not want to have a sit down, she..... then what do I say- that's where I am stuck

bubbebia

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 9:44 am

Just say that DD prefers to deal with the situation in her own way and does not want anyone else to get involved. And you are respecting her wishes. That's it. And if the other mom doesn't like that, tough noogies.

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 9:45 am

Wow! Eema, I have a DD in 7th grade too, and this has been the year of social politics. Guess they all hit hormone 101 at the same stage!

Eema, I kept out of the politics and I'm so glad I did. It was best for my DD, though when she came home crying (I used to have tons of friends and now I feel like no one likes me, boo hoo hoo....) I was tempted.....but just comforted her, and told her I'm sure everything will work itself out and you still do have friends, and just remember to be nice and not get involved in fights (repeat over and over) and as long as you are NICE others will appreciate you.....

The mother who is attempting to micromanage her DD's social life is doing her DD a huge disservice. Not only is she depriving her DD of the growth opportunities presented here, but her peers will likely view her as an immature nuisance who goes crying to Mamma instead of growing up and dealing with her issues herself (she should try being nice to her friends, that might work!).

Eema, tell the mother if she calls again, that now that your DD is an adult (according to the Torah) you feel that she is a young lady mature enough to make her own friends' decisions. Your guidance to her is in middos, and unless there is some specific complaint to that effect, you don't get involved as long as your DD is being nice and polite to her peers.

ruby slippers

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 9:54 am

op here- these ideas are awesome- I knew you could all help me out. In the beginning of the year when the teen drama started I tried to give advice and suggestions and did give a call to the mechaneches and that's how the guidance counselor got on board(I have a feeling other parents called too) But the responses I would get from my daughter felt like I was watching some teeny bopper tv show from the '80's where the girls slams the door and says"you just don't understand and you don't know what its like". So now I have learned to hold my tongue, listen give her a hug and ask her what she would like from me.. it works much better!

Thanks so much for all the suggestions!!!!!!!

ectomorph

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 10:01 am

Typical 7th grade social politics. Stay out of it and let your daughter handle it.

ElTam

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 11:33 am

Another vote for staying out of it.

Fox

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 11:55 am

Chayalle wrote:

The mother who is attempting to micromanage her DD's social life is doing her DD a huge disservice. Not only is she depriving her DD of the growth opportunities presented here, but her peers will likely view her as an immature nuisance who goes crying to Mamma instead of growing up and dealing with her issues herself (she should try being nice to her friends, that might work!).

Whatever drama the 7th graders are stirring up is normal and predictable. What is not normal is that this mother seems to want to join in.

Unfortunately, I've dealt with a couple of these mothers over the years. One wrote long, multi-page, single-spaced letters detailing the various aveiros she believed were being committed, and another just wanted to have long, heart-to-heart talks with me about "the situation."

In the first case, the daughter was a perfectly nice girl who was mortified by her mother's conduct and actually called me herself to apologize for her mother's craziness. The other mother, unfortunately, was dealing with a child who had serious mental health issues, and things got much, much worse than 7th grade drama.

Like everyone else, I'd advise staying out of the girls' drama, and I'd also advise being vigilant about not allowing another child's mother to draw you into her own drama. The next time she suggests a sit-down or other intervention, just say something noncommittal, like, "Hmm, I'll think about that," or "Well, I'll keep that idea in mind." Rinse and repeat as needed.

mummiedearest

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 12:30 pm

op, I wouldn't even tell the mom that dd wants to handle it on her own. just say, "I don't get involved in my daughter's friendships." nothing more. repeat it as often as you need to.

marina

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:11 pm

I will disagree with everyone.

Relational aggression is the technical name for the girl-drama and research shows it can cripple girls' lives.
It's very very serious and I would address it immediately, especially if it was my kid.

Specifically, I would talk to my daughter about not leaving the other girl out, not talking down about her, not making fun of her, and teach her the appropriate way to react when the other one says unkind things. I would also call the other mom and agree to the resolution session and explain what your daughter is seeing and her perspective.

Critically- your daughter is being painted as the aggressor here, but the tables can turn very quickly in school and she can become the victim. Then she'll come home crying every day and you'll wish other parents didn't have the attitude of "I'm not getting involved" that many people are preaching on this thread.

Here's a book about relational aggression and its very real dangers http://www.amazon.com/Odd-Girl.....27348

marina

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:12 pm

I can guarantee you that if you start a thread on girl cliques, you will have many, many amothers writing about how their middle and high school experiences affected their lives.

marina

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:16 pm

And of course the daughter will say to you that the other girl is being unkinde- that's the standard line and there's nothing else that she would say (" yes mom, you're right, I'm being a horrible person, etc.").

sequoia

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:18 pm

I wouldn't say that she is obligated to be friends with someone she doesn't like.

marina

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:23 pm

sequoia wrote:

I wouldn't say that she is obligated to be friends with someone she doesn't like.

She's obligated to be friendly and kind and inclusive to everyone. That's basic middos. She's not obligated to be best friends with everyone at school.

Of course the girl is going to say that she's courteous, etc. But you know that reality can be very very different. You can be "courteous" and still laugh with your friends at someone else and roll your eyes when that person raises her hand in class and invite everyone to an afterschool outing except for that girl, etc, etc.

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:25 pm

There's snooty and snooty. Some is normal, even if it bothers us parents, some I agree with marina

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