Todder is causing us to live in fear

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers

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medola

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:53 pm

My 20 month old son adores his 5 yr old Big brother. Problem is lately he is expressing this overabundance of affection by hitting him (sometimes really hard in his face!), throwing hard and pointy objects at him, and pulling his big brother's hair. He attacks him the moment he is resting on the couch, just home from school. The toddler understands words but doesn't really talk yet. I just don't know how to get him to stop hurting his big brother, who is using all his self control not to retaliate. I am afraid it will strain their relationship. (Toddler does it to me and my husband too, btw)

bubbebia

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:05 pm

That's just it. He's expressing his affection and his desire for his big brother to play with him. Somewhat exuberantly. And since he doesn't have the verbal skills to ask for the attention he does it in the only way he knows--jumping on him and throwing things. Whenever he throws something or hits to get your attention you need to take his hands and tell him he may not hit or throw things. "You may not throw things. I understand you want your brother to play with you. You can tell him, 'play' but you may not throw things." You need to get to him as soon as he throws something or hits and to remind him to say play. He will ultimately get the idea but it will take some time. He's not quite 2. Hey, "play" might be his first word. And you know what, it might be that his brother will have to haul off and slug him if he doesn't get the idea to stop the throwing. That usually works and doesn't impair their relationship at all.

greenfire

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:33 pm

every time he hits you need to repeat as many times as it takes - NO you may not hit or throw or whatever

& not only to his brother - but to his father & you as well ...

no yelling - just be firm

5*Mom

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:45 pm

I wouldn't focus on the "no" part; most 20-mo-olds won't get it. I'd say "no" calmly and then redirect. Tell him to make nice and demonstrate it for him, give him a soft ball to throw instead of a truck, etc. At this age life can be very confusing because throwing a ball is okay but throwing a truck is not. Roughhousing and tackling is okay sometimes, but not all the time. High-fiving is okay but slapping a face is not okay. He's still learning the ropes. Redirect him if you can and sympathize with your older son. It's sometimes hard to be an older sibling to a small child who is still learning.

The other thing I'm thinking is that this may be sensory seeking by your toddler. Does he crave intense sensory experiences in general? Bumping and crashing on purpose? Likes to push or pull heavy things?

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