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Secrets between spouses in second marriages
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 2:31 pm
It is often said that there should be no secrets between a husband and wife. But what about secrets between parent and son/ daughter when the parent is re-married?

My parents got divorced when I was in my late 20's. My Mom re-married fairly quickly, my father when I was in my early 30's. I have an OK-ish relationship between my mom's husband but I know that he can't keep secrets at all. He even told me things about my mom that she explicitly told him not to tell me so I would not want him to know any sensitive information.

My dad's new wife I do not get on with at all. Apart from the bad relationship, I think that the new spouses would just not understand the sensitivity of some the issues.

So... Should I expect that whatever I tell my parents can be repeated to their spouse? What about things that happened before my parents got divorced that were previously only known within our family unit? Is it ever OK to keep a secret from your spouse in these circumstances?
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 2:36 pm
some things are better left unsaid ... whilst other help you grow

if you have an issue with confidences being discussed - tell the person do NOT tell anyone
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 2:55 pm
greenfire wrote:
if you have an issue with confidences being discussed - tell the person do NOT tell anyone


But is that a reasonable request? Or do you mean I should tell the spouses not tell tell anyone? Because I suspect that the spouses would not think it important to respect my privacy.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 2:57 pm
no - tell dad not to tell his wife !!! some things are nobody's business but yours ... & I wouldn't keep telling people things that break that confidence
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black sheep




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:05 pm
why would your parents have to tell their spouses everything you tell them? of course you have the right to ask for privacy. I wouldn't even call that keeping secrets.

sharing is important for openness in a marriage, but sharing doesn't include gossiping or telling other people's secrets.

besides, your parents first priority should still continue to be you, not the new spouse.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:05 pm
That was my question. So you think it is OK to tell a parent something and ask them not to tell their spouse? In such a situation is it OK for them to keep a secret from their spouse?

I am wondering if this is normal because I suddenly find myself in a situation where I can't have private conversations with my parents anymore.. It doesn't help that I am living in a different country to all of them so much of our contact is with email/ phone/ skype/ text message so I never even know who is reading/ listening before I even get to the point of asking something to be kept private!
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:06 pm
black sheep wrote:
why would your parents have to tell their spouses everything you tell them? of course you have the right to ask for privacy. I wouldn't even call that keeping secrets.

sharing is important for openness in a marriage, but sharing doesn't include gossiping or telling other people's secrets.

besides, your parents first priority should still continue to be you, not the new spouse.


Hmmmm....this should be on the other thread, who comes first, child or spouse. (FTR, I agree with you).
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:08 pm
amother wrote:
That was my question. So you think it is OK to tell a parent something and ask them not to tell their spouse? In such a situation is it OK for them to keep a secret from their spouse?



Yes, it's OK. It would be OK even if that spouse were your parent too.
A child, certainly an adult child, has the right to confide in one parent without having the other know.
Of course, if the situation gets very sticky, the parent can ask to not be involved/or to tell his/her spouse.
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self-actualization




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:09 pm
I think it's a human tendency for people to share things with their spouses. I always assume that whatever I tell someone will be shared with their spouse.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:10 pm
self-actualization wrote:
I think it's a human tendency for people to share things with their spouses. I always assume that whatever I tell someone will be shared with their spouse.


This is true too. While an adult child technically should be able to expect discretion from their mother, I personally would always keep the above in mind.
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rachel6543




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:13 pm
I don't think it's unreasonable if you have private info you only want to share with your parents and not your stepparents. However, if your parent is not willing to keep the info private, then the only thing you can do is not share the private info with him/her.

When my MIL was alive, she couldn't keep a secret. She liked to talk and would spread info among family and friends. So, we couldn't share private info we didn't want people to know with her. My parents on the other hand are completely different, very discrete and it's ok to discuss private issues with them.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:44 pm
Its absolutely reasonable to ask your parents to keep your information private.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:55 pm
black sheep wrote:
why would your parents have to tell their spouses everything you tell them? of course you have the right to ask for privacy. I wouldn't even call that keeping secrets.

sharing is important for openness in a marriage, but sharing doesn't include gossiping or telling other people's secrets.

besides, your parents first priority should still continue to be you, not the new spouse.

Sorry I don't think that the parents first priority is a married child. Yes if there are children still living at home than maybe it is.
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 3:56 pm
I think it's perfectly reasonable, though only you know whether or not you can actually trust them to respect that. I do think that second marriages where children are involved are very different in many ways. When you choose to get involved with a parent, their kids are part of the package, even adult children need their parents sometimes. B'h I don't have these problems with my step-parents, but I still get the complications that come with the territory.
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mommyhood




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 4:22 pm
I think there are limits as to how much you can expect your parent to keep secret. It's ok to have the occasional private conversation that can't be shared but it's not fair to expect someone to keep a whole part of their life secret from their spouse.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 4:34 pm
I really think that nobody can make a blanket statement about secrets.

In general, my kids and stepkids know that DH and I (both in a second marriage) share everything. But they also know that we will keep private matters private, and will not spread anything around.

I think the real questionis more about a parent who blabs; whether it is a parent or a step parent doesn't really matter.

And I think there is a difference between discretion and hiding secrets. You sound like you want discretion, and wouldn't be so concerned about a stepparent knowing if the mouth was kept closed.

How about if you call or text the person you want to talk to, set up a time when they will be alone, and ask how they feel about keeping your issue from their spouse? Don't share anything until you are on the same page. Once you have agreed on the ground rules, it will be easier to know what you can say.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 4:35 pm
I've always been under the impression that the whole not keeping secrets from your spouse only applies to things that actually effect them. Why does my dh need to know my best friend had a m/c if she confided that to me? Why does he need to know how much my mother spent on her new gown if she doesn't want people to know? Why should I tell him how much my employer or fellow employees make (I worked in HR) when it is understood that this info is confidential?
So my feeling is that 2nd marriage is no different than 1 marriage. If it's somebody else's secret, and does not affect the spouse or the marriage, why blab? Inappropriate!
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 4:36 pm
There's what should be, and what is. Spouses tell each other things. If you don't 100% trust your parents to keep your confidence, find someone else to talk to. Learned this the hard way.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Apr 01 2014, 5:23 pm
I am on my second marriage with step kids. I know when to keep my mouth shut, but interestingly, my step kids tend to open up to me as opposed to their father. I usually keep it quiet, but when I am told something that is dangerous, you bet I tell him like when my step daughter confided that she was cutting. Or when they all told me that the man their mother married was mean to them and abusive. Then I told right away. Its called using your sechel.

Anon because some people here figured out my user name.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Apr 02 2014, 3:11 am
amother wrote:
Sorry I don't think that the parents first priority is a married child. Yes if there are children still living at home than maybe it is.


What about unmarried adult children?
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