Secrets between spouses in second marriages

amother

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 7:04 am

amother wrote:

I've always been under the impression that the whole not keeping secrets from your spouse only applies to things that actually effect them. Why does my dh need to know my best friend had a m/c if she confided that to me? Why does he need to know how much my mother spent on her new gown if she doesn't want people to know? Why should I tell him how much my employer or fellow employees make (I worked in HR) when it is understood that this info is confidential?
So my feeling is that 2nd marriage is no different than 1 marriage. If it's somebody else's secret, and does not affect the spouse or the marriage, why blab? Inappropriate!

This is a great attitude. I wish more people had it. I don't gossip about people at all irl even non detrimental things like I went out for coffee with so and so. My friends question me about this when they get to know me. Why didn't you mention you went shopping with so and so? After a while I get known for my discretion and I am the confidant of many secrets.

Anonymous because unfortunately this trait is too rare in our community and identities me. I treat every piece of information confidently.

freidasima

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 7:20 am

A spouses first loyalty is to a spouse.
A parent's first loyalty is to their spouse.
Loyalty should not be confused with responsibility and blabbermouths who can't keep something private are a problem not only in second marriages but also in first.

There is a difference between adult children and dependent children.
If you are overseas and have no face to face contact where you can be sure no one else is intercepting your communications and you know your step parent is not discreet, you must work accordingly and not share anything you wouldn't want plastered on the front page of the local paper.
Too bad but that's life.

One solution is cellphones. I know people in second marriages whose adult married children call them mostly on their cellphone when they want to speak in total privacy with no one listening in. If you think your mother even in a private communication is liable to tell your stepfather, you can ask her not to but will she respect that? Only you know your mother well enough to answer that.
Hatzlocho

amother

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 9:09 am

OP here.

My dad has always been very trustworthy in the past. He is the one among his siblings who everyone confides in. The problem is that his new wife is extremely paranoid and insists on having access to his emails. She also answers his cell phone sometimes if he is at home and I know that sometimes when I have sent him a text message, the reply has been from her.

She also has a strange and bad attitude towards me and I believe she has turned several of my family members (siblings of my dad and my cousins) against me, backing up her "stories" with distortions of information I've told my father.

amother

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 9:19 am

amother wrote:

I agree with you and I don't rush to tell my husband things like this although if I tell my friends something I would not expect them to keep it a secret from their husbands. The funny thing is that if I DID tell my husband something like you mentioned, I bet he would forget about it 5 mins later. Guys just aren't interested in girl talk like that!

The other day I asked my DH if he had heard news about his cousin who lived overseas and was pregnant. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Did Rochel have her baby yet,it seems ages ago that we heard she is pregnant.
DH: Oh yeah, she did.
Me: When?
DH: About a month ago.
ME: What?! Boy or girl?!
DH: Can't remember.

amother

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 3:41 pm

My inlaws each re-married when my husband was in his 20's and we were already married (so his step-parents are not people he is particularly close with though we get along well). Anyway- I would love to be able to tell his mother or father things and not have it get back to their spouses (and then the spouses children) but I just know it is not at all realistic, in my situation at least.