Crying about my dd

amother

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 10:45 pm

Im sitting and bawling about my dd's behavior. Please help.

My dd age 8 made an elaborate craft out of a cardboard box. She was busy for over an hour cutting and taping cardboard and sticks to make a highway for her matchbox cars. Her sister age 7 (who was bored) came and sat on her creation. She hit her and I separated the two. Two minutes later sister age 7 purposely messes up again. Dd 8 is livid and starts hitting/biting all siblings in sight. I picked her up and put her on the porch for some time out. It was warm outside and I stood at the door so that she shouldn't be frightened. Dd 8 screams at the top of her lungs and starts banging at the door. I ignore her until she starts banging at the door with a piece of wood. I calmly removed the wood from her and continue at my post. She finds another wood and this time went for the window, which she smashed.

I had no idea how to react. I kept her outside for another 10 minutes and then made her stay in her room for 2 hours.

How do I teach her for next time?

What did I do wrong?

Lady Godiva

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 10:54 pm

Oh, gosh. Sending you hugs. Hug

To be honest, I would not have punished the 8 year old so severely (by locking her outside). Is that even safe? It can be very traumatic to a child. I know you said you were watching, but it's still a scary experience for a little girl. And 2 hours in her room is a very long time! Especially since she probably threw the wood at the window to get your attention to let her back in.
That said, did you punish the 7 year old for messing up the 8 year old's project? It really seems unfair that the 8 year old, who sat and built a project for over an hour, is punished for getting upset and the 7 year old who instigated got away with it.

Hitting/biting siblings should definitely be dealt with! But this poor girl had her sister sit on her "creation" and SHE gets punished. Not fair at all.

amother

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 10:54 pm

Madam F. wrote:

Nowhere in your post do you write that you disciplined your younger daughter for ruining the older one's hard-worked creation...

She sure did lose her treat for today. But I am trying to enforce a zero tolerance rule for hitting/biting. And I usually remove the child from the room as a consequence.

ima_dina084

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 10:54 pm

I feel like a 7 year old is too old to be sitting on her sisters project to destroy her hard work because she herself was "bored" it sounds like you didn't address that untill it escalated to hitting at which point you seperated them. Sounds like DD8 was really angry that DD7 got away with ruining her hardwork. DD7 is not a toddler she can't get away with that so easily.
I think if you see that she's hitting the door with wood you need to go outside and tell her listen I know you're angry but hitting and biting is never acceptable so why don't we both sit here and relax for a few minutes and then we will talk about what happened and how to fix it.
Then I would have her apologize for hitting and go over with her that its completely unacceptable and ask her why she was so upset and tell her you'll address DD7s behavior as well.
I wish you luck !

MaBelleVie

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 10:59 pm

Yes, she needed to cool off... But kicking someone out of the house is really really awful. That is not ok. She's so young too. Instead of punishing her, why not teach her some acceptable methods of anger management? Until she has an appropriate way of expressing her feelings, she'll resort to whatever she knows.

And I think you should apologize to her for what you did.

Deep

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 11:01 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

I think she needs a child psychologist. sounds like something is very wrong. normal kids dont bite and smash windows

Or she might be excessively frustrated that her disappointment was not validated. Her sister destroyed her project (twice!), and she got penalized!

mummiedearest

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 11:05 pm

yup. you did a number of things wrong. you didn't punish your seven-year-old appropriately. after sitting on it once, she should have been required to fix it to your eight-year-old's satisfaction AND to apologize. sitting on it twice? she needs to lose a privilege/toy/some play time. not a "treat." she can exchange play time for chore time. once can be an accident, twice was obviously not.

on to your eight-year-old. I assume she has a history of hitting/biting sibs. this is not ok, and you should be working on it. but you should NOT be locking her out. and standing near the door will not actually relieve fear in many kids. many kids will see you there as a threatening force blocking their entrance to their homes. doing that can turn you into a huge source of fear for your child. you need to apologize for locking her out. you obviously do not know how to handle the biting issue, and I don't think anyone will disagree with me when I say that an eight-year-old who bites should go for some therapy, and that the mother of the eight-year-old who bites should go for some as well, if only to learn how to handle it properly. do you ever talk to your daughter calmly when she's angry? do you discuss with her the different ways to handle anger? do you model these? do you acknowledge the source of her anger and tell her that IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY? this is such an important thing for kids to know, and if you don't make sure they know it, they may not handle anger well at all.

causemommysaid

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 11:08 pm

Deep wrote:

Or she might be excessively frustrated that her disappointment was not validated. Her sister destroyed her project (twice!), and she got penalized!

it could be I'm wrong. Im no expert.

I just think smashing a window is pretty extreme for an otherwise normal kid. Perhaps something is going on with her that no one knows

sequoia

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 11:21 pm

It is the WORST THING EVER to be locked out of the house.

It is scary abuse.

Please don't ever ever ever do that regardless of what your child did!

It's not "cooling off," it's terrifying on a deep level.

And you really didn't punish the younger sister sufficiently.

Your poor older daughter was so helpless and frustrated.

amother

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 11:22 pm

OP here.

She is my most well behaved kid usually. Once about every 2 months we will have an episode like this where she is totally and beyond reasoning.

You are right about dd 7. I should have punished younger sister more harshly.

To those questioning my parenting. I wont say Im perfect, but I do model good behavior. There is no hitting or shouting in my home and I rarely raise my voice. I did not react when she smashed the window, only made her stay in her room for an extended time.

oliveoil

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 11:24 pm

It sounds like you way overreacted to the 8 year old and very much underreacted to the 7 year old. It's very hard for kids to see injustice. Your 8 year old saw your 7 yr old get away with ruining her hard work twice and then she was locked outside and then sent to her room for TWO HOURS?! Please, please apologize to her and go to a parenting class.

sequoia

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 11:33 pm

amother wrote:

OP here.

She is my most well behaved kid usually. Once about every 2 months we will have an episode like this where she is totally and beyond reasoning.

She's keeping all the terrible frustration in and trying to be perfect until she can't take it anymore Sad

OP, things have to change. Forget behavior. Worry about her attachment and her soul. This is not good.

imasinger

Sun, Apr 06 2014, 11:41 pm

We have a sign up in our house with our most important rule. It says, "No hurting people. No hurting things." This is meant to apply to physical damage. Anyone who ruins something, throws something inappropriately, or otherwise hurts another's property is put in immediate time out. So is anyone who hits.

At the end of time out (which is taken in a boring but public place with nothing to grab, watch, etc., for no longer that one minute per year of age), the child is praised for having taken the time out well. If person or property have been damaged, the guilty one is calmly told what to do to make amends.

This is something I was taught n a parenting class. It works quite well.

Ideally, perhaps you DD7 could have been given an immediate time out for damaging her sister's creation, and could have been told that she had to help fix it. If she did it again, I might suggest putting her in time out again while you give extra time and attention to DD8. If DD8 then hits, maybe say, "I can understand why you were so mad. I would be mad, too. But hitting is never allowed. 8 minute time out for hitting, then I will help you solve this problem."