The importance of thank you/appreciation

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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yo'ma

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 8:52 am

My dd sent me a what's app asking me to bring her something to school when I bring my other one. I said yes and then completely forgot about it. When I took my phone as I walked out the door, I saw she sent me another what's app saying thank you. If she didn't say thank you, I would have forgotten about it and she needed something for school.

We also see how much not saying thank you bothers people from the thread a short while back where the op was bothered by the manager who didn't say thank you about the oranges and then she came here to complain about it. It really hurt her.

Was there a time a thank you or lack of it, affected you?

amother

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 9:53 am

I'm the OP from the oranges thread. I had almost forgotten about that already.

It's funny, because I make a particular point about saying thank you to cashiers, grocery baggers, salespeople and waitresses, etc. I figure that most people don't even acknowledge them, so it's the least I can do. However, I'm not so good about saying thank you to the people in my life who do things for me on a more constant basis. I should work on that.

agreer

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 11:52 am

Firstly, THANK YOU for starting this page!!!

Yes, I've recently been very hurt by a lack of appreciation.

I made sure to send shalach manos to all of DH's and my siblings. 1 of mine and 3 of DH's siblings did not say thank you! I sent them via post, and I wasn't sure they all got theirs, but I know that 2 of DH's DID get theirs - because they called to say thanks!

I sent one of DH's sibs two packages, one for them and one to deliver to our BIL who doesn't have a real mailing address (single bachur in dorm). My SIL told me he was so excited to get it - because he usually doesn't get b/c he's not married. I PURPOSELY made him one, so that he shouldn't be the only one of DH's siblings not to get, and he didn't even call to say thanks!

Grrrrr. So, so rude. Makes me so sad.

I wonder why I even bother to "invest" in these relationships.
Next year, can I just send Shalach Manos to the ones who called to say thanks?

yo'ma

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 9:25 am

I'm bumping this thread up because I'm searching for things and found it and thought if anyone else would want to share.

Thank you very much!!! Very Happy

amother

Navy

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 11:07 am

My mom was very makpid on our sending TY notes practically from the moment we could scrawl our names. Sleepover or Shabbos lunch at a friend? TY note to her mom. Chanukah gelt from great uncle Harry, bday gift from the lady next door, you name it, we wrote it.

As society grew looser and less formal, I dropped the TY notes for lunches and sleepovers and subbed hostess gifts, but of course include verbal thanks. I still insist my kids send TY notes for bar mitzvah gifts and so on. Sometimes I send a TY note even if I brought a hostess gift, for example to a family who housed us when were OOT for a Shabbos simcha.

I can’t imagine **not** saying thank you. It takes no time and costs nothing. Sure, sometimes you’re in a deadly rush or black mood and forget, but otherwise it should be automatic. Someone holds a door for you, lets you go ahead of him at the checkout, picks up your shoes from the shoemaker, interrupts his shower so you can pee, .or just does what they’re supposed to do, like stop the bus to let you off or on...say thank you. Parents teach you this almost as soon as you can talk “What do you say?” “Ank-oo!”

I work in civil service and many of our clients consider us literally servants. “My taxes pay your salary” kind of thing, and I’m often tempted to give them the three or so cents that is their contribution to my salary and tell them to put it where the sun don’t shine. But then you have the people who can’t thank us enough, thanks so much, you’ve been SO helpful, I really appreciate it...,Naturally I say “I’m just doing my job, glad I could help” sort of thing but let me tell you it makes my day and makes me feel kindly towards them. .

I’m willing to go the extra mile for someone like this even if it’s s/t I don’t really have to do. Like if I refer them to another agency or provider, I can just say “ that would be under the Department of Silliwoks” and leave it at that, but for an appreciative person I’ll look up the phone number and links to relevant websites. They could look up the information themselves but why not do something nice for someone nice? Niceness begets niceness.

This should really start at home. Why **not** thank dh for doing the dishes or dc for taking out the trash? So what if it’s their job? making dinner is mine, and I sure appreciate being thanked for doing it.

amother

Denim

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 11:53 am

I was brought up on saying please and thank you. My parents are extremely makpid on saying thank you and making us say thank you. After going to ppl for shabbos seuds or going to someones simcha we ring up or text and say thank you for the lovely meal/simcha. If we dont teach our children to say thank you they will grow up thinking that the world owes them something. We say thank you to everyone who does something for us. Hold open a door- say thank you. Help us with packages-say thank you. Etc...jewish or non jewish its just common decency and basic derech eretz.

Ruchel

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 12:06 pm

A must. I love hearing that bh my kids say thank you. I wish you're welcome was still popular

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 12:22 pm

A neighbor I hardly know messaged me over the summer that she had arranged for friends to come visit but suddenly had to leave town, can we please host them. We did. They were very nice. It was my pleasure. But the neighbor never followed up with a thank you. It's been probably 3-4 months. I've seen her around the neighborhood a few times and not a word. I'm not fuming over it or anything but it does baffle me. I'm always making a point of thanking people, even for small things, because I know how nice it feels to be appreciated and how bad if feels not to be.

A thank you that was particularly meaningful to me came from a relative's kids. The parents divorced, one went OTD and the other is somewhat disfunctional. Their kids came to spend YT with us and though they are young they were so expressive of how happy they were to be with us, how good it felt to be with family in a normal home, and how it gave them koach to deal with things. I was crying for days.

Aylat

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 1:08 pm

I love it when my kids thank me. For extras and for regular stuff. And when I hear them thanking each other. My 4yo is so cute when he says, "you're welcome."

zaq

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 1:59 pm

Ruchel wrote:

A must. I love hearing that bh my kids say thank you. I wish you're welcome was still popular

“No problem “ is the new “you’re welcome” but it does lack something. (Maybe because it seems to imply “I did it because it was easy but if it were a problem I would leave you in the lurch”? )

Aylat

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 2:24 pm

zaq wrote:

I like saying you're welcome davka in those situations where, yes, I did have to do a bit extra to help out, and I am expressing, I was happy to do it and I'm happy to have been able to do this for you.

singleagain

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 2:27 pm

zaq wrote:

The difference is a generational thing and here's a post that perfectly explains it

zaq

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 4:31 pm

Lucas Noah is full of baloney. Yes it’s a generational thing but it’s not the folks in their fifties and sixties who are being ungracious and ungrateful. It’s the under forties on this site griping about having to write thank you notes and how their parents aren’t doing enough for them. “You’re welcome” doesn’t mean “I’m going out of my way for you.” It means “I’m happy to do this for you” independent of whether or not I view it as something expected of me.

I don’t need your reassurance that giving me my change or removing my appendix) is no problem. If I thought that any of this might possibly be a PROBLEM for you, I’d have gone elsewhere. “No problem” is the appropriate response, if true, when I ask “Can you get me out of jail?” Then when you deliver and I thank you, you say “You’re welcome.”

However I disagree with Tom Nichols. Cashiers don’t have to thank customers. Granted, im ein customers ein cashiers, but it’s a bit much to expect them to thank us for shopping here. We thank them the same as we thank anyone who does his job, be it a bus driver, waiter, or chief obstetrical surgeon. If they thank us, that’s gravy.

flowerpower

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 6:04 pm

yo'ma wrote:

I'm bumping this thread up because I'm searching for things and found it and thought if anyone else would want to share.

Thankt you very much!!! Very Happy

Ok. And here I was wondering why I didn’t sees any posts recently about oranges.

If there are people that don’t say thank you- more than once then I stop being ultra nice to them. No appreciation=no continuous help/gifts.

33055

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 6:15 pm

flowerpower wrote:

ITA

If someone can't say thanks then I don't need to do anymore favors. I stop giving gift's after the first non- thank you.

One of my super frum neighbors won't thank me for anything because everything comes from Hashem. She will graciously say she appreciates such and such. But they don't say the words, "thank you".

Mommyg8

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 6:34 pm

zaq wrote:

Actually, it's quite old. In Yiddish, many people say "nisht du forvus" for you're welcome. I think.

SuperWify

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 7:24 pm

Squishy wrote:

Hah??

That’s just krum.

Hakaras hatov is a basic in yiddishkeit. Appreciating and acknowledging the Shluchim Hashem sends us to help us is extremely basic.

thunderstorm

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 7:30 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

Actually, it's quite old. In Yiddish, many people say "nisht du forvus" for you're welcome. I think.

That's actually what they are saying, when they say "no, problem"...it's the Yiddish translation into English

33055

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 7:47 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Hah??

That’s just krum.

Hakaras hatov is a basic in yiddishkeit. Appreciating and acknowledging the Shluchim Hashem sends us to help us is extremely basic.

They will say they appreciate it. I have no problem with their quirks.

It is the ones that take nice things as their due that distress me. Besides hating basic rudeness itself, I don't know if they received gifts. It isn't worth my time and energy to give presents to those that can't acknowledge them.

amother

Gold

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 8:01 pm

I don't used bad manners a reason for me to stop doing what I think is the right thing to do. Good manners just help me stay motivated.

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