Dont want to threaten

hello123

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 7:38 pm

I feel like I am constantly threatening my kids. Not anything abusive G-d forbid. Just like if we don't do this then this is going to happen. But I feel like I want to do something different I don't think it is working and I feel like it is not the correct approach please advise what you think is a better way to parent when kids dont listen the first time, fight with sibling ect

greenfire

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 7:47 pm

only say things you can and are willing to carry through - then it's not a threat but a consequence ...

but as they say - don't sweat the small stuff - only the big stuff

gp2.0

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 8:22 pm

I hear you, I find myself doing this all the time! Make the switch from negative to positive.

"If you don't stop screaming, I'm walking out of this room."
"If you don't put away your toys, I won't play with you."
"If you don't get into bed, I won't read you a book."

turn into

"If you talk in a normal voice, I will listen."
"If you help me put away your toys, I'll play with you."
"If you get into bed, I'll read you a book."

naomi2

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 8:37 pm

gp2.0 wrote:

fabulous advice! just one tiny change- WHEN you xyz, not IF.
you may have to take an extra two seconds before disciplining your children positively, but it will change your lives.
OP-good for you for looking to make positive changes in your parenting style-you should have lots of hatzlacha!!

flowerpower

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 8:50 pm

In never threaten as I think its bad parenting. Its all about the wording " those that are ready in 2 minutes will come along to the park", " whoever eats supper like a big girl gets delicious dessert after", " let's see who can put away 20 pieces of lego the fastest", etc... You get the picture...

gp2.0

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 9:15 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Yes, I wanted to say this too, it's better to be encouraging in the first place. But my above post works as a "quick fix" for OP...she finds herself starting to threaten "If you...!" then she takes a quick breath and changes the negative to positive. Eventually yes, it's better to just turn clean up into contests, to lavish praise, when you see one sibling about to fight with another quickly redirect, etc.

MaBelleVie

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 11:09 pm

Sometimes it's hard to avoid negative consequences. I like to start off by calmly reflecting the child's behavior back to him. For example, "you're scaring your sister when you make monster noises in her face. She doesn't like it."

If he doesn't respond, you can then move on to the next step. "If you continue scaring her, I'm going to have to ask you to go into a different room to make your monster noises. "

It would be nice if everything could be solved with positive reinforcement or distraction, but life doesn't always allow for that.

gp2.0

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 11:31 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

True, but in most cases I've found redirection to have better results. Example "if you scare the baby again you get time out" hasn't been as effective as "can you play peekaboo with baby? She loves peekaboo."

MaBelleVie

Wed, Apr 09 2014, 11:35 pm

gp2.0 wrote:

Right, except when he says " no I'm a scary monster and I only know how to make scary monster noises!"

I don't mind if he makes scary monster noises, he just can't scare his sister. So he has to do it elsewhere.

chani8

Thu, Apr 10 2014, 1:34 am

Stop using so many words, OP. "Just say no" to the bad behavior.
"Stop misbehaving!"
and even better, direct toward a better behavior:
"Go do ____!" You have to have this part worked out, have ideas in your head of what you can suggest the child go do.

For example: Stop jumping! Sit down!
Or preferably, just say, "Get a book and sit nicely."
If you need stronger, "No way! Go get a toy to play with."
For hitting, "No hitting!! What's the problem here?" (Hitting is from frustration so the child needs help.)

saw50st8

Thu, Apr 10 2014, 5:12 am

flowerpower wrote:

As my kids get older, this doesn't work as well. They decide if its worth it to them to listen.

Then we get negative.

chani8

Thu, Apr 10 2014, 5:46 am

As the kids get older, and you can't control their behavior much at all, I find just letting them know that I don't like what they're doing, rather than telling them to stop, etc. I just give them a reaction, like "eww, you're not talking nicely." And then turn away.

One friend solved sibling rivalry by saying something like, "you two are being so mean to each other, I can't watch. I'm leaving (going outside, sit in my bedroom) until you decide to be nicer to each other. Come get me when it's more pleasant in here."

I guess the point is, there are lots of other options other than threats. Even punishing is overrated. I try to avoid both. I learned from my kids that for sensitive kids, even a stern look of disapproval is a punishment of sorts.

amother

Thu, Apr 10 2014, 6:59 am

I was once told not to threaten. just do.

So if something is going on that needs a consequence (more of a consequence then a punishment) - just do it - without any warning. Otherwise you can keep giving warnings over and over again and can give the same warning 3 times and perhaps not carry it through.

I thought it sounded so unjust at first, but then I tried it, and my kids were upset, and said you didn't warn us and I explained, and after a few times I didn't have to explain anymore.

amother

Thu, Apr 10 2014, 7:02 am

flowerpower wrote:

You have to make sure that you can follow through on those just like a 'threat'. Lets say it takes 5 minutes instead of the 2. Lets say they don't eat nicely and then scream for an hour for dessert or insist their piece was too big. I find promising good or bad can backfire.