I REALLY need help!!!!!

amother

Sat, Apr 19 2014, 10:35 pm

My daughter visits with her non-religious father every other weekend. When she goes with him he doesn't let me contact her. He violates the court order and never tells me where she is, he doesn't supply the address of where she is.

On Thursday he took her for a visit and he refused to bring her back to me on Friday. He was supposed to leave her with me all day Friday and take her Friday night. On Saturday, tonight, I was supposed I pick her up after Shabbat and instead I got an email from him telling me that they are "away" and he will not be returning her to me until monday!!!!!

I'm NOT looking for legal advice. Please don't give that to me.

I'm writing because I am having a very hard time keeping Shabbat when things like this occur. How in the world can I keep going days with no contact with my 8 year old child? We have the last 2 days of passover coming up tomorrow and if I don't get my daughter on the phone before I light candles then HOW CAN I POSSIABLY NOT ANSWER IF SHE DOES CALL DURING THE HOLIDAY??

I am dying. It's so hard!!!!!!! I want to get into my car and drive to the court house Monday morning and file a violation petition beause of what's happening but I cannot because it's holiday and I can't drive.

How do I continue shutting/not using my phone after lighting candles if I don't know where my child is????

Please help me. I can't do this anymore.

33055

Sat, Apr 19 2014, 10:40 pm

Do you have a non-Jewish neighbor who you can give the number to so your daughter can reach you during Yontiff? Can your calls be forwarded to a non-Jew? Alternatively, can you get an answering machine so you can listen to your messages as they come in?

amother

Sat, Apr 19 2014, 10:51 pm

Squishy wrote:

Those are really good suggestions, thank you. The problem is I just moved so I don't know any of the neighbors.

I will forward my cell phone to the house though so I can hear all messages being played. That will be helpful.

I'm worried that on Monday he will end up keeping her again if I can't pick her up. It's just so hard to stay confined to my house without access to my child.

amother

Sat, Apr 19 2014, 11:50 pm

If your ex is violating court order can you report him to the police? I know of one instance when the police showed up at a fathers home since the mother reported that he did not return the children. Also, do you have a rabbi to call for advice at this time?

chatouli

Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:03 am

I know you don't want legal advice, and I am not going to give that to you, but I think you really need to reach out to your lawyer and start the process to fix this problem. What he is doing is totally unacceptable. You do not need this level of stress and worry in your life. As soon as the chag is over, please call your lawyer and find out what your options are. Hug

I agree you should also call your rabbi and see what you can do in this incredibly difficult situation.

oliveoil

Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:08 am

Unless your ex is a bad person, maybe it's worth revisiting the custody agreements. Every other weekend is very little time; maybe you can negotiate giving him a little more time as long as he makes sure your daughter checks in with you each day that she is with him. Obviously I don't know your situation, so I might be totally off. And the way he is acting now is completely unacceptable. But imagine how you would feel if you only got to see your daughter two weekends each month. Wouldn't you be inclined to keep her longer than you were supposed to?

amother

Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:20 am

He sees her every other weekend and 2 times per week! That's not just a little visitation. He sees her much more than most divorced dads do.

This happens most times she is with him and we are currently in court. A few months ago he decided to keep her for over a week and we have the court date for that coming up soon.

I filed a violation Friday morning in court when he refused to return her.

I will have to file another violation for this thing he did tonight also.

I do have a rabbi to talk to and I'm going to get in touch with him tomorrow. Right now I'm looking for support from other mothers who can help me brainstorm and just feel better. Sometimes rabbis just don't know or understand all the emotions that a mother experiences.

I'm really struggling to keep myself together and not have access to my phone. I look g my daughters empty bed while she's gone and I don't know where she is and I cry. Her dad doesn't tell me anything. We have a very specific order and he just ignores everything in it. The worse part is he is an attorney himself. He just pushes the system as much as he can and he intentionally stresses me beyond belief.

oliveoil

Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:27 am

amother wrote:

I'm sorry.

Hugs.

I didn't understand all that from your initial post. It seems he does have plenty of time with her and what he is doing is just wrong wrong wrong.

Oy.

amother

Sun, Apr 20 2014, 12:34 am

oliveoil wrote:

I'm sorry.

Hugs.

I didn't understand all that from your initial post. It seems he does have plenty of time with her and what he is doing is just wrong wrong wrong.

Oy.

OliveOil- it's ok. I know you were only trying to help. I just wanted you to know that's not the case. Personally, I think he sees her too much because he doesn't do the right thing while she is in his care. Not encouraging a relationship with the other parent and enstiling a feeling of love is actually in our order. I believe he is violating that part too.

By the way- the order states tha phone access and an address of where the child is must always be provided. He's also not allowed to travel without supplying me with an itinery, an address and 10 DAYS NOTICE! He just sent me an email today that he was "away" but he never said anything else. I still haven't spoken to her since Thursday and I have no idea where she has been since then. It's torture.

chani8

Sun, Apr 20 2014, 6:17 am

On top of everything you are doing, what popped into my head is, get that girl her own phone! Tell her to call every day, twice a day, and to text you where she is. Teach her how to get help wherever she is, if ever her father refuses her to contact you. She's old enough to be empowered here, isn't she?

That said, I'm just horrified by all of this. I'm trying not to cry!! I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sad

What a terrible rotten man!! I hope they put him in jail over this!

amother

Sun, Apr 20 2014, 7:48 am

chani8 wrote:

What a terrible rotten man!! I hope they put him in jail over this!

Thank you chani8! xox

She had a cell phone before and lost it. I'm going to have a talk with her when she gets back and I'm making a rule for her to call me daily. This is just too much.

I'm also calling the rabbi now

amother

Sun, Apr 20 2014, 9:08 am

I am so sorry this is happening to you.
It is so hard.
My ex did this to me too - I would get a call that they were away and he would not return our son until the following week because of (fill some distortion of the agreement in here).
I spent a lot of time crying with my stomach clenching at the injustice of it all.
Sometimes he got his clueless cronies to help in the caper.

What happened in the past when you went to court over a violation to your visitation agreement?
Do you have reason to believe she is in danger? If not then try to relax and know that the wheels of justice turn slowly, but they do turn.
Does your ex have visitation for alternating holidays? Do you have all Jewish holidays?