crying after store experience

amother

Sun, May 04 2014, 11:51 am

My 5 year old is borderline
adhd. We had her evaluated but she's so borderline, the doctor couldn't do anything other than tell us too go see a neurologist a month or so after she starts Grade 1 and we see how she's handling the workload, organization, etc.
It's always so difficult taking her on errands and I avoid it when I can but today we went sandal shopping and I needed to run to the home improvement store next door to the shoes afterwards. She gets more and more wild, running around and riles the 3 year old up.
It was hard getting a worker to help me, then finally at checkout (only one lane open) the guy in front of me kept adding things to his order- his kid wanted gum, he was smelling all the different air fresheners and on and on. Meanwhile, the younger two are running around, my patience is plummeting, they're not listening and finally the youngest gets hurt. The checkout lady asked the guy in front of me if that's his kid. who's crying He pats his DD, says "no, mine is well-behaved", she responds "oh, you're right
and he walks off. I almost burst into tears right then and there.
I'm so torn. I find it so difficult to control her in public, especially if the errand isn't realated to her but it's just unavoidable sometimes. How do you handle hyperactivity in public??? I can usually get her to walk next to me or hold my hand but when we're just waiting in line or something, it all comes out

5*Mom

Sun, May 04 2014, 12:03 pm

Hugs, it doesn't sound easy. Have some games you can play with her at checkout to keep her occupied, like I Spy or taking turns spotting items that begin with various sounds of the alphabet (letters when she gets older), things like that. Obviously you do your best to avoid situations that are too difficult for her to handle but sometimes you just won't be able to. For those times, you have to have something up your sleeve to keep her focused and busy so she can hold it together until you can get out. Leaving it to the fates won't usually end well.

cbg

Sun, May 04 2014, 12:53 pm

Tons of positive reenforcement, this means bribe them, but make sure to keep good to your promise, or it won't work. I'm a big advocate of bribing kids. "If you can stay here quietly for 5 minutes (show her on a watch she can wear) then I'll take you to the park for 15 minutes to run and play. Does she like stickers? Dolls, cars? Have a small toy that is ONLY played with,for these types of situations, something special. Try not to resort to electronics (ie:videos). You want her to be actively engaged.
Kids that have ADHD, have very special talents, and are usually smarter than your average quiet kid. The problem is that they are always asked to leave class because of disruptions, and then they fall behind.

amother

Sun, May 04 2014, 12:59 pm

cbg wrote:

Kids that have ADHD, have very special talents, and are usually smarter than your average quiet kid. The problem is that they are always asked to leave class because of disruptions, and then they fall behind.

I don't believe this is the case that many fall behind because they are asked to leave class. All too often ADHD is paired with another mental issue or learning disability.

ShanaMatele

Sun, May 04 2014, 1:11 pm

I avoid taking age 6 ADHD DD shopping at (almost) all costs. Simply not worth the stress. When I have to take her it is extremely difficult.

I have found that handing her my cell phone with a kids game on it helps a LOT for a short store run, and will put her to sit in the main part of the shopping cart with it.

My older DD, also with ADHD, is *much* better now at age 9 in terms of shopping, so hopefully this will become easier for you in time.

hugs!

amother

Sun, May 04 2014, 1:23 pm

I too have a child with certain issues. If this happened to me, I would look the person straight in the eye and say, "And I certainly hope you thank G-d every day that your child doesn't have [insert issue]."

Hopefully this would make him think twice before acting so insensitively again. I'm embarrassed to admit that my secret ulterior motive would be to make him feel stupid, if only for a moment.

greenfire

Sun, May 04 2014, 1:52 pm

it's very hard to go shopping with a kid with problems ... usually they do better one on one & sometimes not even then when they can't get what they want ...

for the future don't go shopping with all of them - and try only to do minimum errands with the older child - like in this case it would have been good just to go to the sandal store & do the home depot errand without her ... talk to her for distraction - offer her a treat that she will only get afterward for behaving - stick to it - don't give in

good luck !!!

solo

Sun, May 04 2014, 7:28 pm

Ds is only 3 with no diagnosis. But he's extremely sensory and I have such a hard time keeping him in check when were shopping. Which is why I do most of my shopping online. If I have to take my kids out with me I try to involve ds in the shopping (putting things on the basket, onto the check out counter...)
When I find myself in an embarrassing wild situation I just thank the store clerk and manager on my way out. Tx so much for ur patience and understanding.
That's what I would've said after I checked out in ur store. That way I don't apologize for my amaizing boys awful behavior, but do acknowledge that he's been disruptive.

chavs

Sun, May 04 2014, 8:01 pm

Honestly there isn't always something you can do. Shopping with kids is hard and with kids with special needs its really hard. You and your kids have just as much right to shop as others do however.
I try to send my dh shipping or go when dh is with the kids. If that's not an option I try to be as fast as possible. Try to get them involved (tell them what we are getting and ask them toget me various things. Making them a shopping list (either with words of they can read or pictures if they can't) can be helpful and then they are in charge and busy getting the carrots and cucumber etc.
For me getting my kids involved makes all the difference.
I also tell them that we are going shopping now, they'll help and after shopping we'll do x, y, z (Park for example).
Making sure they've moved before shipping also helps and that they aren't hungry or tired or over stimulated.
I've also seem tee shirts and batches that say "I have autism" and they might have for adhd too. It's meant to make ppl be more considerate. Try ebay for those.
The most important thing is going only when I have energy and know I'm Ok and can handle it .
It also helps to keep in mind that other ppl really don't matter in that way. You don't need to or have top justify why you or your kids are how you are. It's their problem if they are rude.
I've yet to try online shopping but a lot of ppl like it because of this.

the world's best mom

Sun, May 04 2014, 8:26 pm

When I take my ds into a store, I review our rules of that store with him. These might include things like:

-You need to stay with Mommy

-You cannot scream

-You cannot touch the credit card machines or self check out machines

-No screaming or roaring at anyone

-No hurting anyone

-No touching anything the store is selling unless Mommy says we are buying it and you can touch.

-No running in the store

-No hiding candy up your shirt

These should be modified for each kid and for each store. Then I ask ds if he thinks he can follow the rules. He says yes. I remind him of the rules when he forgets. And I get out of the store as quickly as possible. It makes shopping much more manageable.

amother

Sun, May 04 2014, 9:08 pm

I also find it extremely difficult to go shopping with adhd DD 6yo. Also because that usually means my other children are with me as well. The first thing I learnt is the bribe- we generally don't have time for parks, but I'll get them a special treat (a nosh or chocolate yogurt) for the way home if they're good. Then, they get to help out- so and so run to that aisle for that and the other goes to another aisle for s/t else (this only works in our kosher grocery store where they know the store and the employees know us). Now here are my two keys. 1- I do let her run up and down the aisles. We have a very strict 'mommy has to see you at all times rule' and even stricter 'no bumping into ppl or getting in their way' rule. But as long as she is careful, I don't see the harm in it. 2- I play a game with myself. I stay very patient, calm and loving and its all an act. The game is to impress everyone in the store even though I know its false (I'm totally seething inside) and try to see how many 'I'm so impressed you take your kids shopping with you. you are so amaz-ing!!' I can get.
Worse comes to worse, let them pick out a nosh at the checkout. Or let them roam free and hope for the best. My dd once crash landed on the concrete floor in Lowe's- and took down the light bulb display with her! A bump on the head and the 'kids will be kids' shrug and we were on our way.
I know its rough. Hang in there- you are not alone!

the world's best mom

Sun, May 04 2014, 10:53 pm

amother wrote:

I find that having the kids sitting in a store wagon (if available) makes it much easier. 5 is not too old for that.

The main rules just just be not to shout and to always be close to you.

The shopping cart is very helpful- if I'm not pushing the baby in the stroller, that is.

I'm curious why you think you should only have 2 rules. What if your kid loves to roar at the manager of the grocery store, non-stop, every time you go in there? What about if you have a kid who walks down the aisles of the supermarket with his hand stretched out to his side, knocking everything off the shelf and hitting everyone he passes? What if you have a kid who runs behind the counter or climbs up on the counter to use the credit card machines/computers/scanner by himself? What if your kid thinks that when Mommy says no candy, the appropriate thing to do is scream, hit Mommy, and then hide the candy up your shirt? If your kid does these things every single time you go into certain stores, why not have rules against them? Some of the rules don't apply in every store, but each store has its own set of rules for my special needs child, and each rule is crucial.

I wasn't trying to say that anyone should adopt my exact rules. Those were my rules that apply to my child. I'm sure other people may be helped by having a similar set of rules if they are shopping with a difficult child.

amother

Sun, May 04 2014, 11:06 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

Different amother here.
I think the idea is to have a set of rules. or lots of sets of rules for different situations. But everyone on this thread is giving different ideas. Every child is different and every family is different. The point is simply that instead of assuming the situation won't happen or hoping it won't happen, plan for it. Planning and rule setting is different for each family but certainly knowing what to expect and what is expected of them is very critical when it comes to working with special needs kids (or any kids for that matter). It sounds like you are doing a great job of dealing, the worlds best mom. Hatzlacha!

amother

Wed, May 07 2014, 3:29 pm

OP here- thanks to everyone for hugs and ideas
I'm struggling with her day-to-day. I don't know the best methods for getting her to listen, carry out routine, etc. She doesn't qualify for any treatments and I'm just so lost.
I see she tries to be good but distracts sooooooo easily. Like I ask her to clean up her markers/put on shoes/ whatever and she'll start doing it but then sees her doll or a sibling calls to her and that's it.
She's smart too. She did about 99% of everything perfectly at the evaluation, just answered while fidgeting, getting up, leaning on me, etc so th dr could only say she has "hyperkinesis"
how do you get through each day?

mha3484

Wed, May 07 2014, 3:52 pm

In some ways that could be my 3.5 year old. I have the best success when I am very very specific. I don't say clean up toys I say something like please pick up 5 toys. Or we make a game and I say who can pick up more before the timer goes off or how many can we pick up in 5 minutes.

I used to go crazy when I gave open ended tasks. Some kids become too easily overwhelmed if they are told the minutia of what to do or how to act in a situation.

amother

Wed, May 07 2014, 4:01 pm

mha3484 wrote:

No. Cleaning up was a bad example. I'm talking about trying to get out the door in the morning: put on shoes, get your water bottle, put your lunch in your bag