How do you deal with your own/children's jealousy?

amother

Tue, May 06 2014, 5:48 pm

I myself struggle with this.

It is difficult for me to accept my lot in life.
Especially when others move on, have more etc.

So when my child complans that the neighbors classmates have more I don't know how to answer

Please give helpful suggestions which proved useful to you

Thanks

amother

Tue, May 06 2014, 8:52 pm

Just want to say that a neighbor of ours bought a home. This neighbor got married the winter before I did and most of her children are my children's playmates.
I'm worried how they will take this news.
My apartment is cramped and we only have one bathroom for eight people.
I find my kids comparing themselves to others in regards to money etc.
It bothers me but I'm too stressed to work on it

Please chime in if you have a suggestion

amother

Tue, May 06 2014, 9:35 pm

Oh wow
No jealous people in this world?

animeme

Tue, May 06 2014, 9:54 pm

Or plenty of jealous people, but none with good answers.

I can give you the classic "fill your home with happiness", which is true, but it's still hard.

The best I've got is to work from the bottom up. Work on yourself, on being grateful for what you have, and let the kids see you doing it. Notes to yourself on the fridge, a gratitude journal, quick conversations, etc.

Hopefully you make some headway, but even if it's slow going, the kids internalize that its important enough for you to devote energy to. So they get the seeds of something that can grow.

amother

Tue, May 06 2014, 9:55 pm

I think you probably have more of an issue with the house than your kids.

I think kids pick up on our feelings a lot. Work on your own jealosy- there are many english books/ seforim....

sorry its difficult for you, we all have struggles Smile

zaq

Tue, May 06 2014, 9:57 pm

1. We see only one sliver of the whole picture. The material goods we see may be compensation for real tzores.
2. Having more material goods doesn't necessarily make people happier. We may get more pleasure out of our little handful than someone else does out of his truckload.
3. Make an effort to stop comparing yourself to others. (Not easy, esp. if they live right next door and are in and out of your house!) Try to cultivate appreciation for what you do have. You have indoor plumbing? Marie Antoinette didn't. She had to use a chamber pot. She may not have been sharing it with 7 other people, but still...ugh. You have central heating? Queen Victoria didn't. With fireplaces you freeze your front and burn your back or vice versa. You married the man of your choice? Even if he was not your first choice, you had a choice, yes? Empress Maria Teresa's daughters didn't. They married the men the Empress told them to--princes with whose countries she wanted to make political alliances. There, you're already richer than the former crowned heads of Europe.
4. Money can't buy brains, character, health, love, friends, or nachas from the children.

amother

Tue, May 06 2014, 11:04 pm

OP, you seem to be very competetive. Even your way of describing this neighbor/friend as "She got married the winter before I did" indicates that competitive nature.
I think this is mainly your issue as in you wanting a bigger house. your kids pick up on that.
you got some good suggstions. good luck!

seeker

Tue, May 06 2014, 11:27 pm

I thought that the getting married before was just a way of explaining how their lives are parallel, that it's a challenge not to compare because they got married and had kids at the same time.

I find that role modeling for my kids has a positive effect on me even if I still have quite a way to go personally. I tell my kids how lucky we are and point out the good in our lives, and use that as context for giving to others. You don't need to have a lot to share with others less fortunate than you, and I make sure my kids don't feel they're losing out by letting them choose things to donate and always giving the context of us having more than enough. By giving, they see that others have less without actually having to point it out in a mussar-y way.

I don't know how old your kids are but I wouldn't assume young kids would even notice to compare - why aren't we getting a bigger house. Maybe older kids, but by then they understand a little more about the way the world turns, even if it's still hard to accept.

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 07 2014, 2:56 am

Who is rich? The one who is happy with what he has. ~ Pirkei Avot.

Go volunteer at a soup kitchen, or sponsor a child in a 3rd world country. While you're at it, thank G-d that you have 8 children, while other women cry their eyes out for years on end, desperate for a single baby to fill their big, empty houses.

My DD is an only child, and so is her best friend. Her friend comes from a wealthy family, and lives in a big fancy house. The girl has every toy you could ever want, but has a lot of tension and stress at home.

We live in a small, run down rental house around the corner. Toys come at Chanukah and birthdays, and we budget for what we need. Our house is full of love and acceptance.

DD once asked me "Mama, are we poor?" I told her that no, we were not poor. We have a roof, warm blankets, central heating, electricity and safe water to drink. B'H we have food in the refrigerator, and leftovers in the freezer. We have a choice of clothing to wear, shoes on our feet, and winter coats. We are FAR from poor!

DD's friend told her the other day, that if CVS her parents should die, that she wanted to be adopted into our family, because we are always so happy with our life. That is a compliment I will cherish for a long time!

I have been poor before in my life. Homeless, to be exact. I've slept on park benches, and under shrubbery. People who slept in cars were considered the lucky ones. I've stolen fruit off of people's trees to have something to eat, and begged for spare change on street corners. Once, I stole food out of a garbage can behind a fast food restaurant.

If you can survive that, then every bite of food that goes into your mouth, and every clean piece of clothing you put on is nothing short of a miracle. Even though all of that happened to me 30 years ago, the gratitude I feel is like it was just yesterday.

Please forgive this New Testament source. Just remember that JC was a big fan of Hillel, and that's probably where he got it from:

25 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?' 32 For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. 34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.

amother

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 10:41 pm

OP here
still struggling

I just feel like I'm behind

I have this amazing good hearted wonderful sister n law who has it all
she is pretty she is well educated she well liked she has a great job her father built her a beautiful home she has beautiful children and they take all these amazing family trips
they have place for a huge sukkah and are always hosting guest

I'm sad

I guess I'm not trying the gratitude thing enough

looking for hugs

FranticFrummie

Tue, Oct 14 2014, 5:29 am

Keep up the gratitude. Being jealous is a hard habit to break, so try to think of it like smoking or doing drugs. You're doing something that is harmful to your neshama, and harmful to your children. Would you smoke cigarettes around your children? Of course not!

Right now, where I am it is pouring buckets of rain outside. I have a roof over my head, but many people don't. My succah is totally collapsed and water logged, but I have good friends who would let me use theirs any time. My stomach is not growling, but many don't have enough to eat. I have more than one winter coat, many don't even have a sweater.

Look around you, and see how many wonderful things you have! Take time to appreciate them and thank Hashem for what you have.

chani8

Tue, Oct 14 2014, 5:57 am

I think jealousy is a personality thing, actually.

I think this is a case for "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk", a book by Faber and Mazlish. With your kids, you just need to acknowledge their feelings. Not fix them.

For your own struggles, accept yourself. It's ok to be jealous. Just say, "Oof, there I go being jealous again." Of course you want those fine things. We all do. As long as you aren't bitter about your lot in life, you're doing fine. Are you feeling bitter?

amother

Tue, Oct 14 2014, 2:48 pm

My husband and I were just talking about this last night. I definitely agree that jealousy is a personality thing, but I think it's something to work on. By nature, I am not very jealous, especially of material things but I do get jealous of relationships (even though I am thank God, I am blessed with many great relationships). My husband grew up feeling poor (even though he wasn't) and this is something he worries about with our kids. He doesn't want them to ever feel jealous, but I think it's bound to happen and it's something that they may need to work on. I don't think being rich makes people less jealous, they are just jealous of different things.

Here are some ideas/ thoughts:
1. I had a teacher who had us start each day writing three things we are thankful for. This can be a very productive exercise.

2. When you see someone who has it all, realize that you must not know them that well because has everyone has their issues. If you think you know them really well and think that their life is still perfect, then guess what, you don't know them that well.

3. My father used to tell me that there will be always be someone prettier, smarter and richer than us that we will encounter in life. Try to thing of things that you love about yourself that are unique to you, that you don't need to compete with anyone about. I think self-love helps fight jealousy.

4. There will be people who have more than you. Try to be happy for them. Even if you don't feel happy for them, try say nice things to your kids about it. Relating to your friend's new house: you can tell your kids that you are excited for them that they have a new house. Don't say anything about your apartment or compare. If your kids say something like, " why do we still live in an apartment but they have a house?" you can say something like, " everyone spends money on different things that are important to them" or " we don't all have the same things in life, what do you feel lucky to have in your life?" or "I hope to move into a house one day, but for now I am very happy to live in this apartment with my beautiful children. "

5. If possible, it's best to live in a community where you are not the richest or poorest so the differences between your lifestyle and your friends' isn't so different. This isn't always possible, but it makes life easier. There still will be differences and jealousy that come up but to a lesser degree.

6.traveling around the world and seeing people who are truly poor but happy with what they have has been really impactful for me. if money is tight, you aren't going to be doing a lot of traveling but try to rent books or movies from the library about people from poor countries. When you are learn about their lives you will see that objects are not what really matter.

amother

Tue, Oct 14 2014, 3:40 pm

It starts very early. My grandson is constantly checking that his sister doesn't get anything more than he gets. If he gets a prize for good behavior, but she gets the same thing, it doesn't count.

So DD sings a songs (to the tune of Ump dadi dydy) - We are different, we are different ay yay yay yay yay yay yay...Chani has a bow in her hair, Moishy has a yarmulka etc etc We are each special etc.

Hopefully, it sinks in with enough repetition. Then you tell yourself, Hashem gives me just what I need (sing it to your favorite tune). You need to replace the messages in your head that say "I need what she has" "It's not fair" etc.

amother

Tue, Oct 14 2014, 3:55 pm

Wow this struck a chord with me. I have one older dd who keeps on checking things out to make sure it is all fair. For example she looks at the grape juice to make sure that nobody poured more than she has in her cup and if someone has more she will pour herself more, She looks at her brothers who have more friends than her and gets sad when they have friends over and she doesn't .
It is a very sad life to have. Don't know how to get her to be satisfied with what she has ( and she really has everything she needs and if she asks for something she usually gets it, but it seems that there is a hole inside her)