DS age 7- everything is"It's not fair.."

baker1

Mon, May 19 2014, 8:48 am

As much as I talk to him about being happy with what he has and using all kind of parenting tips each time anyone else in the family gets something while he does not, he is always saying "it's not fair....I never get good stuff (which is untrue, as he is the oldest he tends to get the most privileges and even if I point it out while it's happening it still does not help) etc...."

He just seems so unhappy, I am worried it's not going in the right direction. Unhappy tween...not a good situtation.

For example- He had a dentist appt last week. I picked him up from school and made it into a really exciting trip getting him ice cream after etc. Now this morning DS age 5 has a dentist appt but since its at 9:00 I did not send him to school. Now DS-7 was grumbling all morn how "it's not fair I never get to go in the morn to the dentist. Of course, I sat him down and reminded him of the fun we had we I took him to the dentisit and how it's DS-5's turn and how not everything has to be equal etc. Eventually he got it and stopped complaining.

But still, why the immediate jealousy and how can I stop it?

thanks

Mon, May 19 2014, 9:29 am

Don't pay too much attention to it. Trying to prove things really are fair will never work. He will always find a reason why "it's not fair", and he learned that it gets your attention and how concerned you are about him being "happy". Try really ignoring this for a month, and I'm pretty confident it an end to this behavior.

mummiedearest

Mon, May 19 2014, 9:32 am

my response to that is, "you're right, it's not fair. I'm such a mean mommy. I guess I shouldn't have taken you out for ice cream, then, that was too nice for a mean mommy to do. I'll keep that in mind next time: no special treats for ds when going to the dentist. and I'll make sure to make your appointment outside of school hours. letting you miss school was too nice of me. I have to maintain my image as a mean mommy, you know."

that usually gets a loud "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" out of ds. and then he stops.

mamaleh

Mon, May 19 2014, 12:17 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

I usually do something like this, too. 'I know, I'm the meanest Mommy in the world. Poor you'. B"H this usually stops her. Sometimes I need to go to the second part of mummiedearest's speech 'I guess next time I won't be able to ... because I'm so mean.' I usually don't connect what I can't do to what her sister is getting, just some privilege or special treat that she has gotten recently because my goal isn't to make her compare the things they got but rather to realize that everyone gets what they need even though it's not the same as what someone else got.

sky

Mon, May 19 2014, 1:27 pm

I have a just turned 8 year old just like this. I think it is his personality and I try to get him to work on it.

but I find the time that he thinks things are unfair is the wrong time to work on it. I am practicing active listening - even though I'm not great - I try. So if he complains about how unfair it is - I just agree with him, and acknowledge how disappointing it is, and act all understanding even if I am not and validate his feelings. Because in reality he feels that way.

Son: Its so not fair that Shmeal always gets to stay home and I never do.
Mommy: You are right. Things didn't work out the same. You sound so disappointed that it worked out this way.

Later that day during dinner or bedtime or even the next day I may discuss with him that really everyone gets different things and being appreciative for special times mommy gives him helps encourage it in the future.

I once watched a play where a wife was complaining to her husband about how unfair her salary was and he kept explaining to her that it wasn't. It was so obvious that all she wanted was some understanding. I'm trying to work on giving that.

allrgymama

Mon, May 19 2014, 1:55 pm

My five year old started saying this and I just respond that it isn't her place/business to tell me what it is or isn't fair because she is essentially telling me that what I'm doing is wrong and that is chutzpadig (I do this in an age appropriate way).

She does still slip sometimes, but it has calmed down a lot.

mom4many

Mon, May 19 2014, 2:03 pm

I used to be very into fairness as a kid, but it came from wanting the world to be a right place to live, so it bothered me to see unfairness even when it wasn't related to me.

This sounds more like jealousy and/or insecurity. It's not really wanting "justness" in the world.

little_mage

Mon, May 19 2014, 2:07 pm

I think there's also a misconception that fair=equal. I don't know how to explain this to your son, but he's probably thinking that in order for things to be "fair" they have to be equal, which I don't think is the case.