Daughter's Bas Mitzvah is on our niece's birthday

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amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 10:51 am

We make a Bas Mitzvah celebration for each of our girls for with family. Our families our small, so we make a nice get-together in our home around lunchtime. My 4th daughter is having hers on June 22nd. My husband's sister called yesterday to ask if she could bring a cake because it's my niece's 4th birthday. OK fine. (There are kashrus issues, but I will let dh deal with that). She wanted to know right then and there if we are having dairy or meat. DD hasn't decided yet, so my sil got annoyed. Then she asked if she could bring party favors and other things for the birthday.

I am really worried that dd's Bas Mitzvah is going to turn into a 4th birthday party for my niece! My in-laws favor my sil's children over ours, so I know that they will give her all their attention and not dd who is having the Bas Mitzvah. SIL will end up bringing a huge cake, and that will totaly overshadow anything we do for dd. (Then my FIL will sit around and compare the cakes, and no doubt loudly proclaim that the one my SIL is a million times better, whether it is or not)

My SIL has never brought a gift for any of my girls for their Bas Mitzvahs. I can guarantee they won't this time either. My in-laws don't even acknowledge my kids' birthdays. Yet I am sure there will be tons of gifts for my niece! (And then they will all complain if we get nothing for my niece)

The final issue: SIL made a Bas Mitzvah on this dd's 11th birthday last year. There was not even one mention that it was my daughter's birthday. They had it in a huge hall, and even when we went back to my in-laws house later on....there were no gifts, not cards, no cake for my dd. I didn't say a word, figuring it was my older niece's day. NOW we are going to be put in the position of making a whole big deal for my 4 year old niece/

Not sure what to do! DD is going to feel awful if her whole day becomes a 4th birthday party for my niece!

mummiedearest

Mon, May 19 2014, 10:55 am

then why did you allow sil to bring a cake? just say no.

greenfire

Mon, May 19 2014, 10:55 am

birthdays should not be shared ... beginning & end

Jewishmom8

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:01 am

I think it was tacky and wrong of her to ask

causemommysaid

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:06 am

wow. no way. call your sil back and tell her your daughter does not want to share her special day and you are rescinding the offer of letting her bring a cake.

end of story.

what is wrong with people? who asks questions like that? Confused

some people are so beyond socially inappropriate.

Iymnok

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:07 am

Tell her you changed your mind and no.
she can have her preschooler b-day party in the morning and your daughters Bas Mitzvah in the afternoon/evening.

proudema

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:18 am

No way. Just no way. Very inappropriate of her to even ask. Call her back and explain that this is for your daughter and she can make a birthday for the 4 year old another time. A bas mitzva compared to a toddler party? No.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:22 am

OP here: Thanks everyone! It is tacky and inappropriate!

I didn't speak to her directly. DH did...and agreed to it.

The problem is that there is clear favoritism of my SIL's children, and if we DON"T do let her do anything it'll be a huge issue, and we will look bad.

I can see it now: My husband's entire family paying attention solely to this niece, and completely ignoring dd. Sad

mummiedearest

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:27 am

op, if it's just lunch in your home, can you switch the date? just tell sil that the original date did not work out for some family members, so it is being changed. that would help avoid bday combination issues. from now on, make sure not to schedule such things on other ppl's bdays.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:30 am

mummiedearest wrote:

OP here: Invitations have already been sent out, so it's too late to change.

mummiedearest

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:32 am

amother wrote:

OP here: Invitations have already been sent out, so it's too late to change.

if it's just a family gathering, it's not too late to change. you just have to call everyone and notify them that there was a scheduling problem. everyone can assume the date was bad for someone else in the family.

mummiedearest

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:34 am

just wanted to add, your other option is to call sil and tell her that dd's bas mitzvah was meant to be a bas mitzvah only, and that dh didn't check with you before okaying the cake. there is no room in the kitchen/on the table for another cake, and you're going to have to pass on that one. thank her for the offer, and make sure to wish the niece a happy bday on her way out. give the bday niece a bday present (again, as they're leaving) so that it doesn't seem you ignored the bday.

saw50st8

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:38 am

amother wrote:

I would just call your SIL and say "We don't like to mix smachot. How about we get together at your place 2 hours after the bat mitzvah for her birthday celebration?" You can even blame it on your Rabbi if that would help.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:42 am

mummiedearest wrote:

OP here: Out-of -towners already have flights, have taken time off from work, made hotel reservations. Went sent out gorgeous, printed invitations, that DD picked out.

It's not so simple to just change the date. And that date was chosen because there are no other dates in June. No one would come father's day. After June 25th, kids start with camps, so no one will be around until the end of AUgust. Beginning of June is SIL's annivesary and too close to Shavuos.

mummiedearest

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:43 am

amother wrote:

out-of-towners? well, then, cancel the cake. simple as that.

greenfire

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:44 am

it's not too late ... tell sil that she needs to make new invites for another time ... they're not twins - a bas mitva and a preschool birthday do not mix or match ... and that's that

your husband didn't realize it would be an issue - but it's your bas mitzva girl's day to shine

ElTam

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:47 am

Why not face this head on. "SIL, I love you and I love my niece. I want her to have a nice birthday, but this is the only bas mitzvah my daughter will ever have. You can bring a cake and sing happy birthday. That is all. If you want to do more, you need to make your own simcha." If she starts but, but, butting you, remind her that your daughter's birthday was not even mentioned at her daughter's party.

Look, this is a lesson I learned the hard way with DH's family. You bend over backward, and you bend over backward, and you bend over backward and they are STILL going to show favorites and be yucky. So why teach them it is okay to act that way? Do what you want to do. Be kind about it. Be menschlich, but being someone's doormat won't make them like you.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:52 am

greenfire wrote:

OP here: Just to calrify: She never sent out any invites. We've already sent out the Bas Mitzvah invites a while ago.

By contrast, our son's 5th birthday is the day before...and I would never have thought ever to bring out a whole cake or anything for him during the Bas Mitzvah!

groovy1224

Mon, May 19 2014, 12:11 pm

Just wanted to add: when I was a kid, my birthday always kind of ended up getting swept away due to other occasions. It wasn't even really anyone's fault, but ultimately I never really ended up with a nice birthday party ever because there always seemed to be something else going on.
Anyways, my point is, that it would have meant so much to me if my mom had just once made a point to put everything else aside, and make sure that my bday was celebrated. It sounds as though you are already doing that, with the invitations and all the prep. Continue to stand your ground, and make sure your daughter is not overlooked; she will always remember if you do. If you SIL wants to be a baby about it, let her. This is your DD's day, and I applaud you for standing up for it.

greenfire

Mon, May 19 2014, 12:14 pm

amother wrote:

excellent - so it's a lot easier ... call her & tell her NO WAY JOSE !!!

although maybe the day before your 5 year old & this 4 year old can have a joint cake at her place or saturday in the park ... anywhere but the bas mitzva !!!

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