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Daughter's Bas Mitzvah is on our niece's birthday
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Miri1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 10:59 am
ElTam wrote:
Why not face this head on. "SIL, I love you and I love my niece. I want her to have a nice birthday, but this is the only bas mitzvah my daughter will ever have. You can bring a cake and sing happy birthday. That is all. If you want to do more, you need to make your own simcha." If she starts but, but, butting you, remind her that your daughter's birthday was not even mentioned at her daughter's party.

Look, this is a lesson I learned the hard way with DH's family. You bend over backward, and you bend over backward, and you bend over backward and they are STILL going to show favorites and be yucky. So why teach them it is okay to act that way? Do what you want to do. Be kind about it. Be menschlich, but being someone's doormat won't make them like you.


I wouldn't even offer that, even this is an infringement on the simcha, especially as it sounds like your SIL will just squeeze in more. The is an event for which people are coming in from out of town, it's just not appropriate, and not fair for your daughter.

How you'll say it diplomatically... if she's not respectful of your preferences, don't blame it on dd, you can refer to some advice you got from someone you respect in parenting (imamothers!!) or something like that. It's a very important day in her life etc. etc.
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 11:20 am
Call her and tell her each child deserves their own celebration. Save your cake at your house. We can come by and celebrate the 4 yr old in the evening if you like. Lunch is going to be all about DD. All birthdays are special, but bas mitzvah is extra special and she deserves the spotlight.

If she doesn't like it, let her stay home and sulk.
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LisaS




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 12:43 pm
What about asking your daughter how she feels? It is her day.
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Mrs Bissli




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 2:23 pm
Sounds like I'm a minority opinion here, but isn't a 12-year old old enough to "share her simcha"
especially with a very young cousin? I almost got an impression that it's not about conflicting
simcha but more to do with family politics and OP's feeling resentment that her in-laws care less about her daughter than her niece. You'll never resolve who-is-more-favoured-in-the-family argument, I'm afraid this is not the first and the last time to resurface, so I'm afraid you and your daughter just have to handle it as graciously as possible.

Firstly, YOU did send out the Bat mitzvah invitation. So guests do know it IS a Bat Mitzvah celebration.
You said you're going to hold it in YOUR house. So you're in charge of party planning, decoration etc.
I presume YOU, YOUR DH and YOUR DD would be the first ones to greet the guests, give speeches and thank them for celebrating YOUR simcha.
So I won't be worried too much that your SIL/niece would "hijack" the simcha.

On the other hand, think about your niece for a second. 4yr old is the kind of age where celebrating birthdays IS a big thing. Why not let her have some fun. Does serving a birthday cake and singing a Happy Birthday song toward the end really ruin your simcha? Is having unhappy niece/resentful SIL really a smart idea in the long run?

We actually have the exact same situation, except our niece is 16 (Sweet Sixteen!). SIL asked me if we can do a birthday cake, and I can't really think of reasons to object.
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smiledr




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 2:31 pm
A bat mitzvah is not any old birthday - it's special and shouldn't be shared especially considering what you've said regarding your family.
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teddyb




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 3:09 pm
I would tell her to do something a couple hours before or after at HER house. preferably after. or after its over got a nearby park and do it there. it should not be in the same location.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 3:13 pm
amother wrote:
OP here: Thanks everyone! It is tacky and inappropriate!

I didn't speak to her directly. DH did...and agreed to it.

The problem is that there is clear favoritism of my SIL's children, and if we DON"T do let her do anything it'll be a huge issue, and we will look bad.

I can see it now: My husband's entire family paying attention solely to this niece, and completely ignoring dd. Sad


So why in the world does the 4th bday have to happen on time? I don't know anyone who doesn't postpone their toddlers bdays to their liking.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 3:16 pm
Mrs Bissli wrote:
Sounds like I'm a minority opinion here, but isn't a 12-year old old enough to "share her simcha"
especially with a very young cousin? I almost got an impression that it's not about conflicting
simcha but more to do with family politics and OP's feeling resentment that her in-laws care less about her daughter than her niece. You'll never resolve who-is-more-favoured-in-the-family argument, I'm afraid this is not the first and the last time to resurface, so I'm afraid you and your daughter just have to handle it as graciously as possible.

Firstly, YOU did send out the Bat mitzvah invitation. So guests do know it IS a Bat Mitzvah celebration.
You said you're going to hold it in YOUR house. So you're in charge of party planning, decoration etc.
I presume YOU, YOUR DH and YOUR DD would be the first ones to greet the guests, give speeches and thank them for celebrating YOUR simcha.
So I won't be worried too much that your SIL/niece would "hijack" the simcha.

On the other hand, think about your niece for a second. 4yr old is the kind of age where celebrating birthdays IS a big thing. Why not let her have some fun. Does serving a birthday cake and singing a Happy Birthday song toward the end really ruin your simcha? Is having unhappy niece/resentful SIL really a smart idea in the long run?

We actually have the exact same situation, except our niece is 16 (Sweet Sixteen!). SIL asked me if we can do a birthday cake, and I can't really think of reasons to object.


If they are doing it with family in her house, then all the in-laws will pa attention to the niece. besides, will a crowd of 4 year olds show up too? Along with DD's 12 year old friends? I cannot even picture what the whole thing is going to look like.
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nyer1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 3:27 pm
I'm sorry, what? Why can't u put out a nice cake for the bas mitzvah and also have a small birthday cake or cupcakes for the niece? Imagine as a 4 year old u had to go to a party on ur birthday and it wasn't for u. Would it really kill u???
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Mommy3.5




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 8:12 pm
Apparently, reading comprehension is not your strong point, she stated clearly why it would hurt her dahow it wouldànot just be a small cake....
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 8:25 pm
amother wrote:
OP here: Thanks everyone! It is tacky and inappropriate!

I didn't speak to her directly. DH did...and agreed to it.

The problem is that there is clear favoritism of my SIL's children, and if we DON"T do let her do anything it'll be a huge issue, and we will look bad.

I can see it now: My husband's entire family paying attention solely to this niece, and completely ignoring dd. Sad


The answer is staring you in the face. What's your priority: your comfort and reputation within the family--a family that by your own admission ignores your children in favor of others--or your own daughter's once-in-a-lifetime bat mitzvah?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 20 2014, 8:37 pm
Mrs Bissli wrote:

So I won't be worried too much that your SIL/niece would "hijack" the simcha.

.


I would. Big time. Anyone tacky enough to want to tack their event onto someone else's is just tacky enough to hijack the whole thing.

I have been at weddings where the chosson-kallah asked the MC to announce people's b-days, anniversaies and so on, which IMO is unbelievably thoughtful and unselfish. How about suggesting to your dd that near the END of the party, like right before benching, she announce that it's also the cousin's b-day, thank her for joining your simcha on her day, maybe sing "Happy Birthday to You, Too". The kid gets acknowledged, the Bat Mitzvah doesn't get hijacked, everyone wins.
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Marion




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 21 2014, 4:31 pm
My bat mitzvah, and my sister's bat mitzvah, both fell at times when there were lots of other birthdays/anniversaries in the family. The bat mitzvah was the main attraction BUT on the dessert table there was one cake with paper flags/flowers each with a name, date, and special occasion written on it. (The exact design differed slightly at each simcha but the idea was the same). For example, at my bat mitzvah (June 21) there was a cake with flags for
June 4 - birthday - Aunt S
June 4 - birthday - Grandpa
June 6 - birthday - Aunt M
June 9 - birthday - Uncle W
June 10 - birthday - Sister
June 18 - anniversary - J&P
June 22 - anniversary - E&E
June 23 - birthday - Aunt R
June 30 - anniversary - E&S
July 5 - birthday - N
July 11 - birthday - Uncle E

No big deal (singing/candles/attention grabbing behaviour) was made, but the special dates were marked. Maybe tell SIL not to bring a cake, you'll take care of it, and you can do something small like this? (And then you can include your DS as well.)
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 21 2014, 4:48 pm
If it was my family I would be fine mentioning it. But it sounds like a likely scenario would be grandpa and grandma turning up with multiple gifts for the 4 year old and nothing for the bas mitzva girl. Which would be horrible.
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 21 2014, 5:03 pm
Wow that's difficult. It is more than this bas mitzvah. It is the grandparents openly favoring the other family over yours. And your sil is being openly mean. ( I wonder if it is because they are both less or not religious ). This is so insensitive on the part of your In laws. I'm sure your kids are used to it. You can't avoid the obnoxious behavior toward your family anyway you do it. Just tell your kids that you are sorry and explain that they are great kids. Why would you even invite people that spit in your face in the first place? I would have done a small birthday just with people who like me and are nice to me.
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mother48




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 07 2014, 12:19 pm
OP,

What ended up happening? (I'm hoping you stood your ground and made your daughters day special.)
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