Taking Kallah to mikvah

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 6:46 pm

Does anyone have any experience of taking a Kallah to the Mikvah for the first time? What is the norm, as in does the mother watch the daughter dip in the mikvah? Does the mother go into the washroom with the daughter? Should mom take the daughter to the mikvah altogether or does the kallah go by herself? What did your mother do? And are you chasidish, litvish, or MO? TIA

imasinger

Mon, May 19 2014, 6:58 pm

I am a ML, and what I generally see is that for the sefaradi familie, the mother comes (and sometimes other married female relatives), but ashkenazi girls usually come by themselves. The chassidish usually don't use our mikvah.

Nobody ever goes into the preparation room with the kallah.

I usually see sefaradi mothers or other family wait outside the door of the mikvah room while the kallah immerses. Then, when she comes out, (some right away, others after she is dressed), they sing, dance, hug, offer sweets.

Does that answer your questions?

If you are the mother of a kallah, please talk to her about what she wants, as that is very important.

Last edited by imasinger on Mon, May 19 2014, 7:12 pm; edited 2 times in total

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 6:58 pm

I'm chasidish and my mother came in with me, both to the washroom as well as the mikvah. We did not discuss it beforehand so I think that is the norm with everyone.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:05 pm

Chassidish here. My mother came with me and remained in the waiting room (or outside near washroom?) throughout. I think this is very common in our community, though to be inside the washroom or miikvah room is rare, from what I've heard (and waaay too invasive IMO)
I think the kallah should be asked and her wishes respected.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:13 pm

My MIL took me to the mikvah since my mother is not alive. She sat in a little room adjacent to the preparation room but the mikvah lady asked if I would like her to accompany me into the mikvah room "to answer amen to the bracha." I didn't understand the point then, do not understand the point now, and was extremely uncomfortable with the idea, but I knew that my MIL overheard the question and did not want her to feel bad, so I agreed. (I can't imagine wanting my mother to go to the mikvah room with me either but I probably would not have felt as bad to say no.)

I still can't figure out the point, and it can make the kallah feel very awkward. Ask in advance or stay outside (I.e. stay out of all rooms where the kallah is not fully dressed unless she has explicitly expressed an opinion otherwise).

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:13 pm

amother wrote:

Yeshivish and my mother did the same. Would not want her in the milkvah room or the washroom!

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:14 pm

I'm chasidish. My mother did want to come into the room but I refused. We had a huge argument while then and there. Iy"h when I'll marry my daughter's I plan on asking them before and see their opinion.

MaBelleVie

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:19 pm

The ML in the mikveh I went to basically told my mom to wait outside the kallah prep room (there was a chair there) and then told her to go into the prep room while I went into the mikveh. She told me to say the brachah loud so my mom could hear and answer amen. I was totally uncomfortable with that setup but I didn't want to hurt my mom and anyway I wasn't really assertive enough back then to say anything, so I just went along with it. This was a sefardic mikveh that lots of Ashkenazim in the community use.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:20 pm

amother wrote:

I'm chasidish and my mother came in with me, both to the washroom as well as the mikvah. We did not discuss it beforehand so I think that is the norm with everyone.

It should not be so! Chassidish too here and had horrible experience. My mother sat outside and said tehillim while I prepped. The ML came in and out about 3 times to" check " on me. I was too naive and mortified to protest. Dont even ask what a hard time she gave me with my hair! I had long hair and she made me recomb it a million times. Finally, when it was time to dip she " invited " my mother in WITHOUT MY permission, too see her daughter dunk and reap nachas! I was ready to punch her! I love my mom and wishef her to see nachas, but it doesnt mean necessarily seeing me so exposed! My mother had the sense to say, no - thank you, but to this day I feel violated! Horrible... Please ask the kallah and respect her privacy. Its embarrassing and very hard in the beginning.

rising hero

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:26 pm

My mother came along with me but she was in the waiting room the entire time. The ML asked me if she should call in my mother, before she took me to the mikvah. I declined. Thankyouverymuch. One person in the room is more than enough. And especially a mother...

Edit - I'm chassidish

mummiedearest

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:29 pm

ask your dd what she wants. however, you should also check with the ml when making the mikva appointment and find out what is commonly done in the mikva. you should then discuss what ml said with your dd and see if she wants anything to be done differently. that way your dd is prepared. make sure you tell your dd if you have any particular minhagim pertaining to mikva, as she is supposed to do what her mother does. and let her know that you are available in case she has any questions.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:34 pm

My mother came with but sat in the waiting room. It all seemed a bit pointless, to be honest, I only took her with because otherwise it would have looked wierd, but we don't have a great relationship.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 8:04 pm

Chassidish here. My mother came with me to the mikvah. She waiting in the waiting room while I prepared, and came with me into the mikvah. She was turned around- and was just there to say amen!

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 8:29 pm

I'm chassidish and my mother did come with me to the mikvah to answer amein.
She stood by the corner facing the wall. It's such nachas for a mother and if she's smart enough to stand facing the wall then y not.
I do remember my k Allah teacher mentioning that the ML will ask me if my mother should come into the mikvah room with me so I knew what to expect.

pesek zman

Mon, May 19 2014, 8:32 pm

I went on my own.........never realized how common it is for mothers to accompany their daughters. I don't really get it, but different strokes for different folks I guess.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 8:49 pm

superdanni wrote:

I went on my own.........never realized how common it is for mothers to accompany their daughters. I don't really get it, but different strokes for different folks I guess.

(MIL-accompanied amother here)
I don't get it either but apparently it's a really big tradition that the kallah does not go to the mikvah alone. Several people independently offered to take me instead of my mother.

(I'm not chassidish, btw)

Mon, May 19 2014, 9:18 pm

I'm litvish and my mother sat outside the room, I think saying tehillim, I thought that was really nice. she told me to call to her when I came back from dunking and then she left.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 9:32 pm

yeshivish/litvish here
my mother came with me to the mikva. I got one prep room, she got another. I dunked before she did and waited in the car until she finished and then we went home together.
otherwise I probably would have went myself. or maybe she would have dropped me off and gone shopping or something till I was ready.
anon for her privacy.