Taking Kallah to mikvah

rzab

Mon, May 19 2014, 6:37 pm

Some Sefardim have a big party at the mikveh. (some people call is a swanee) All the female relatives are invited and after the kallah comes out they have a little party. Presents, food, the works.

I come from a sefardi family, but my mother is ashkenazi. This was one minhag we did not take on. My mother just took me and waited in the waiting room until I was ready. My grandmother on the other hand was disappointed with the lack of fanfare....

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 6:41 pm

I'm yeshivish/litvish and my mother is the ml!
She stayed out of the washroom throughout and told me to call if I needed a/t and not to stress!!

on the other hand, I once used the mikvah in the community where I now live and saw a girl waiting outside in the parking lot. It looked strange to me so I mentioned it to the attendants when I went inside. they were very upset b/c apparently she was a kallah whose mother left her at the mikvah alone and went to run her errands. leaving her daugher in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation.

the ml told me to remember "when you bring your daughter beezras hashem to the mikvah, you stay and say tehillim and just wait for her".
I agree. its stressful enough as it is...

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 6:47 pm

So many years ago, my mother took me did not stay while I prepared but I found a mark on my back (never really looked there) and I was afraid that it was dirt. My mother checked it over and told me it is a birthmark.

My mother also made sure that I did the minhagim that she learned by the mikvah (how many times to dip).

I don't recall if my mother was in the mikvah room when I dipped but I assume so. (she used to be a mikvah lady so she would have been totally comfortable with that.

I know for my mother it was important that I learned the minhagim that was passed down from mother to daughter for generations.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 6:55 pm

I'm "yeshivish" and didn't have the best relationship with my mother at the time. I didn't ask her to come with me (hey, she refused to come to any gown or shaitel appointments why this??) and she was insulted. I had been told by kallah teacher and friends that mother goes. I know she went with my sisters. I preferred to go alone. My kallah teacher and a friend offered to come so I'm not the only one going alone but I didn't mind being the only one and looks like I wasn't the only one after all. Oh, and if anyone suggested that my mother come in to say amain or watch to shep nachas...all I can say is heaven help that person!

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:23 pm

amother wrote:

Me too and I did not go with anyone. In my case, the ML asked me "are you here by yourself? Where is your mother?" (Flatbush Ave. L and Ocean Ave mikvah). Totally threw me off, as if I wasn't doing the mitzva right.

And btw, it's pretty weird for a mother to have to "watch" her daughter dip to get nachas. The whole idea of her getting married and hopefully building a new Torah home should be the nachas- not watching this one particular detail. I find that very weird.

proudema

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:43 pm

My mother took me, which I am grateful for. I would have been so uncomfortable just walking into the mik by myself. I was all of 19 years old! But my mother is very wise and also very private by nature and she just waited for me in the private waiting area they have for kallos and their family. When I can back, fully dressed, she kissed me and said mazal tov. That was all. It was a very nice experience. My family is litvish not too yeshivish. Typical Flatbush people. Smile

sandwitched

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:43 pm

my mother came along with me. Was facing the wall while I dipped.

it was such a beautiful experience! When I came out I saw her all emotional and in tears, and I knew she was davening for me.

why else would a mother want to come along if not to pray for her daughter?? It's not as if this is an interesting show or anything, and it's such a beautiful and holy time, when a mother's tefillos are so so needed.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 7:46 pm

One of the most horrible experiences of my life.
My mother, whom I did not get along with for good reason, threatened not to come to my wedding if I wouldn't let her come along to mikvah. (I would have loved that, except I cared too much about DH's family to allow that.) So I did, though it was basically the only time we went anywhere together in years.
She B"H did not come into the room, but the ML 'brought her along' to check up on me in the prep room and then left the door open a crack so she could say amen, and I disassociated myself from the entire experience. My body was there, my soul was not.

Wow, I can't believe I can still cry when I think abt it- 10 years later. I never mentioned this to anyone.

MLs out there- don't assume the kallah wants her mother!!!

mommy9

Mon, May 19 2014, 8:40 pm

My mother took me and waited in the waiting room. I did the same for my daughter. I wanted to say tehillim but the mikvah lady wanted to shmooze. After she took my daughter she came out and gave me a kiss and said mazel tov. I had my nachas without going in with my daughter. My mother was accompanied by her mother and mil. Maybe the minhag came from the kallah needing shmira before the chasunah?

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 9:29 pm

I’m a ML in a very small mikva OOT. The mikva is open by appointment only, and our community is small enough that we make sure not to overlap appointments. Mikva is used by MO, Yeshivish, and Conservative.

I speak with the kallah when she makes the appointment. As part of my discussion, I ask if she will be coming with anyone else and tell her any female she’d like to bring is fine. If she says her mother, I ask her if she’d like to bring her MIL-to-be as well.

There’s a waiting room with a comfortable bench, which is where I usually sit when any woman is preparing. When moms, MILs, and other family and friends come, we all sit in the waiting room together and talk. The vast, vast majority of the women are ever so grateful to the bride for inviting them. As some women have never seen a mikva, I feel fortunate to explain the beauty of the experience to them.

When the bride is in the mikva, but before she says the bracha, I open the door to the mikva a bit so the women in the waiting room can hear the bride say the bracha and the women can say amen. They can’t see her at all. After the bride has finished her dunks, but before she comes out of the water, I leave her and tell her she can spend as much time as she wants talking to G-d—that this is her time to do so and to pour out her heart and her dreams to Him.

When I go back out to the waiting room, it’s the most incredible thing. Nine times out of ten, the moms and MILs are crying and hugging each other, even if they barely know each other. It’s an amazing bonding experience for them towards each other and towards the bride. Then when the bride comes out, the family inevitably gives an impromptu group hug. It’s beautiful.

And of course if the bride says she's coming by herself, that's cool too. Equally cool if the bride's mom also goes into the preparation room. (I did with my daughter when she was married in Israel, but not into the mikva.) Or if the mom sits and reads tehillim.

amother

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:16 pm

Dear Kallah Teacher

When you tell your student about the wonder of Mommy "taking her to the mikvah for the first time" PLEASE BE SPECIFIC!

I was totally freaked out by the idea, and kept resisting it, because I thought my Mom(zl) had to be in the room when I dipped! Thankfully I found out in time that all KT intended was that she took me there and brought me home...with which I was totally fine...

Dolly1

Mon, May 19 2014, 11:45 pm

My mom took me to the Mikvah, which I thought was the nicest idea. I would never have wanted to walk in there all alone for the first time. It´s overwhelming enough as it is. She waited outside while I was doing the prep. And when the ML took me into the room to dunk, she told me to wait cuz she is going to get my mom. I wanted to die!!!! It was such an emotional experience, but I wanted to be ALONE in the room. I DO NOT think that watching a dd dunk is THE nachas part. The whole idea of the mikva is emotional and can bring a mom the same amount of nachas even without watching her dd dunk. Thank G-d the ML only brought my mom into the adjacent room so that she can answer amen. But I still felt uncomfortable! I love my mom dearly, and am very very close to her. nonetheless , I find this to be a private time. I would have preferred to be all alone in this! especially since this whole idea was still so fresh, I felt that it was too much at once!

eschaya

Tue, May 20 2014, 12:47 am

I drove to the mikvah on my own, dealt with the ML and details on my own, dunked with only ML present, and then drove myself home. Exactly how I wanted it. I guess my mother knows me too well, b/c she merely "offered" that if I did want her to come she'd be glad to. I told her 'thanks for the offer".
I would not have tolerated it had she come in the room with me, and I would have been embarrassed and uncomfortable had she even come and stayed in the waiting room.
I knew some mothers took their daughters to the mikvah, but never imagined they actually came in with them. Wow, mind-blower here.

amother

Tue, May 20 2014, 4:44 am

amother wrote:

My mother took me inmiddle of the day by appointment, and she waited the whole time in the waitingroom. But my mil took my sil in the evenings when its open to the public and she went in side with them and helped them taking a bath etc. And my sister in law hated it that her mother watched her the whole time while preparing and getting toiveled

I am schocked that some mothers go into the prep room and mikva room with their daughters! How embarrasing! A kalla doesnt need her mother to teach her how to shower and she has had kalla lessons so she should know what to do anyhow!
And whats this about mikva ladys/ mothers checking up on kalla's in the prep room? Arn't their locks on those doors???(all the mikvas ive been to have locks and I make sure to always close it)