Taking Kallah to mikvah

Ruchel

Tue, May 20 2014, 7:55 am

amother wrote:

Does anyone have any experience of taking a Kallah to the Mikvah for the first time? What is the norm, as in does the mother watch the daughter dip in the mikvah? Does the mother go into the washroom with the daughter? Should mom take the daughter to the mikvah altogether or does the kallah go by herself? What did your mother do? And are you chasidish, litvish, or MO? TIA

AFAIK many kallot go alone, some with their mom. Mom is OUTSIDE the bathroom and certainly the mikve dipping area/room.

Some Mizrachi groups do a whole party, some even have single girls around (I have no fondness for this when it happens around women who come their for toiveling and are embarrassed /or disturbed by the noise).

I even heard for some it's a segula to wash the kalla. I can't handle the thought, I find it repulsive...

amother

Tue, May 20 2014, 8:16 am

amother wrote:

Don't know- Chuppas niddah Sad

Also chuppas niddah.
My mother offered to go with me (drive me there, wait in the waiting room) before I told her it would be chuppas niddah and I wasn't going before the wedding anyway. Not sure how I would have felt about her coming. Might have been cool because my mother isn't religious and has never been to a mikvah, but might also have been weird and uncomfortable. When I did go for the first time after the wedding, I was happy to go alone.

amother

Tue, May 20 2014, 11:10 am

My mother came with me and waited in the waiting room. I had no idea she wanted to/was supposed to answer amen so I just dipped and got ready to leave. Knock on the door, ML says that she didn't know I was a kallah and my mother needed to hear the bracha...... No questions asked (what did I know), I got ready to re-dip without a bracha and just said the yehi ratzon again.

amother

Tue, May 20 2014, 11:57 am

amother wrote:

It should not be so! Chassidish too here and had horrible experience. My mother sat outside and said tehillim while I prepped. The ML came in and out about 3 times to" check " on me. I was too naive and mortified to protest. Dont even ask what a hard time she gave me with my hair! I had long hair and she made me recomb it a million times. Finally, when it was time to dip she " invited " my mother in WITHOUT MY permission, too see her daughter dunk and reap nachas! I was ready to punch her! I love my mom and wishef her to see nachas, but it doesnt mean necessarily seeing me so exposed! My mother had the sense to say, no - thank you, but to this day I feel violated! Horrible... Please ask the kallah and respect her privacy. Its embarrassing and very hard in the beginning.

Yes, I agree. I am still in shock (im the chasidishe amother whose mother came into the prep room as well as the mikvah) about it even though it happened a few years ago. It was an invasion of privacy but unfortunately, I did not have a voice then. I just remember looking at my mother in shock and horror but not being able to say anything about it Sad

I dissociated myself from it but I sometimes have flashbacks.

I am sorry to hear about your experience. I wonder if there is something we can do to educate Kallah's as well as their mothers about their (the kallahs) rights to privacy.

Mystery Woman

Tue, May 20 2014, 11:59 am

I'm going to chime in as a mother.
I took my daughter. I waited in the waiting room while she did her preps. When she was ready to dip and the ML brought her to the mikvah room, she told her to wait a minute while she calls her mother. I didn't know I would be called, and I went with the ML to where my daughter was waiting and asked her if she was okay with me being there. (The ML put a chair there for me, which was facing the wall.) My daughter was fine with it, and even though I didn't see the point, I stayed. It ended up being such a beautiful and emotional experience.

amother

Tue, May 20 2014, 12:30 pm

I am a rebbetzin in an oot community where generally going to the mikva as a kalla is the only time they will go. The mothers almost always come with, they sit with me in the waiting room and come into the mikva room to see their daughter toivel. If the daughter doesn't want them there I make sure they wait by the door so they can hear us and answer amein. It sometimes happens that the mothers asks to stand and hold the towel up for her daughter when she comes out of the mikva. Afterwards we have a l'chaim and chocolate.

We give the mother a beautiful tefilla to say that is supposed to be said by a mother before her daughter's chuppa, which is printed on lovely paper and we include the names of the chosson and kalla. Every mother asks to keep this and not one mother has reached the end without her voice breaking. It's a very emotional and beautiful time, especially as the last time most of the mothers went to the mikva was before their own chuppa. We give the kallas the tefilla to say that is in Tehilla Abramov's book, also with their names added in.

My mother came with me into the prep room to answer any questions I had and came to see me toivel. I took my daughters before their weddings also.

amother

Tue, May 20 2014, 12:37 pm

amother wrote:

I am schocked that some mothers go into the prep room and mikva room with their daughters! How embarrasing! A kalla doesnt need her mother to teach her how to shower and she has had kalla lessons so she should know what to do anyhow!
And whats this about mikva ladys/ mothers checking up on kalla's in the prep room? Arn't their locks on those doors???(all the mikvas ive been to have locks and I make sure to always close it)

Exactly!

Is watching your daughter bathe herself part of the emotional nachas moment?
EWWWW

What is UP with people walking in a woman taking a bath??????

amother

Tue, May 20 2014, 12:58 pm

I'm chasiddish and my mother sat in the waiting room the entire time until everything was over and I came out DRESSED!
I thought that was normal didn't even think that mothers came into the prep. room or the mikvah... it's actually very shocking for me.
I was so embarrassed having the mikvah lady see me. I didn't need my mother there too.
As for the mikvah lady during prep. my room was locked!

P.S. I'm still embarrassed by the mikvah lady every time that she sees me undressed... still haven't gotten used to the idea. and I'm married for 3 years now

Mrs Bissli

Tue, May 20 2014, 1:37 pm

rzab wrote:

Some Sefardim have a big party at the mikveh. (some people call is a swanee) All the female relatives are invited and after the kallah comes out they have a little party. Presents, food, the works.

I come from a sefardi family, but my mother is ashkenazi. This was one minhag we did not take on. My mother just took me and waited in the waiting room until I was ready. My grandmother on the other hand was disappointed with the lack of fanfare....

Swanee is actually a different party, usually held closer to engagement and definitely before the mikvah visit. (Traditional swanee gifts are a purse and a pair of slippers for the kallah to use for the mikvah visit). If you have multiple kallahs coming in the same afternoon, make sure they don't get spooked with a big mikva party of another kallah. I don't think it's only for married female relatives/friends, definitely single friends/bridesmaids who are old enough to understand what the mikvah is for would come.

Lady Bug

Tue, May 20 2014, 1:56 pm

I'm chassidish. My mother took me and waited in the waiting room while I prepped. She warned me not to overdo it - not to look at the clock, just to do a decent bath/shower/cleaning. She also told me that our minhag is to toivel three times and not to allow anyone to tell me to toivel more. I think the mikvah lady called her when I toiveled but I didn't see her - she waited outside the room. I met her in the waiting room when I was done. It was a nice experience and I appreciated having her there to show me where to go.

amother

Tue, May 20 2014, 2:07 pm

Normal American Frum. Not yeshivish, but cover hair etc. Grew up in a small town and mother took me to the mikva with both of us completely expecting her to wait in the waiting room. Except I had known the mikva lady since birth and there was no way I was letting her see me nekked! So mom watched me dip, crying the whole way through. Now that I am older I understand how emotional it is to see your daughter carrying on your traditions. My mother and I are very close and always went to Loehman's and Sym's together (remember those one big dressing rooms??) so I didn't think it was that big a deal.

chocolate chips

Tue, May 20 2014, 2:19 pm

I am chasidish and my mother is one of the ML so she asked me if I want her or the ML who usually does it so I said no difference so she came and the regular ML came too I honestly couldn't care less honestly I just said the bracha dipped, they both wished me mazel tov and that was that.

Also it is by appointment only so they were chatting while I got ready which made me more relaxed since it wasn't just one person waiting for me.

doughnut

Tue, May 20 2014, 2:38 pm

amother wrote:

Is there anyone here who considers herself abnormal frum?

But back to the thread...I went alone. I would not have considered any other way. But there was a big sfardi party in the room next door and I had no idea what was going on until now...

Ema of 5

Tue, May 20 2014, 3:40 pm

I got married two days after shavuos and spent Yom tov with my friends family, in Baltimore. Her mother, a"h, was my Mikva lady. I think my friend came with us, but she stayed outside the whole time.
Had my mother or mother in law been with me I would not have wanted either of them to come with me to prep or to dunk. (And back then I was ok with how my body looked!!)

Tante Elisheva

Tue, May 20 2014, 7:56 pm

My family is 'heimishe/chasidishe'. We all expected our mothers to bring us to the mikvah, wait in the waiting room (after entrusting us the the warmest mikvah lady on the staff) and my mother gave me sweet cookies when I came out as a sign of blessing and sweet things. I cherished that!

eschaya

Tue, May 20 2014, 9:03 pm

just wondering how some women are so comfortable with their mothers seeing them naked. I mean, the last time my mother saw me naked was maybe when I was 7 years old and it was still unsafe for me to bathe by myself. Since then, nothing less than a bathing suit.
For the women who did have their mothers with them - and appreciated it - did you have years of exposure to nakedness, or was this something weird for you as well? Not meaning to hijack, just really curious about how y'all did that.