Sleep over guest in one bedroom apartment

amother

Tue, Jun 03 2014, 10:35 am

My (single) sister in law wants to come for Shabbos because she has a wedding on Sunday and figured it's the perfect time to come to us. Unfortunately for her, her brother married the biggest party pooper of a wife who gets stressed really easily and is REALLY not up for company these days (8th month, yada yada yada). On top of that we only have one bedroom. I know that for some people this would really be no big deal but for me it is. She thinks great just set up blow up mattress in living room and will sleep there. Thing is, that takes away all our living space for her entire stay. She'll also be with us the entire time as she doesn't know other people here.
I asked a neighbor with a second bedroom if she can stay there and they said yes. I assumed she would share the room with their baby and it wasn't that big a deal (they do it all the time). I then I found out she takes her baby into her room, which takes away her privacy, and even though I'm sure it's not as big a deal to her as it is to me, I have to assume it is, and I feel super guilty about it.
I'm still going to stick with the original plan of putting her up there over Shabbos but the problem is Motzei Shabbos and Sunday night. I can't ask neighbor to put her up for three nights in a row. I also can't have her in my living room because I wake up 5am to get ready for work and even though she says it's no big deal and she'll just go back to sleep I need to feel comfortable getting ready in my own space. My parents are local and being as she will have a car I figured I can put her up there for remainder of her say (obviously staying by us during waking hours) but she is uncomfortable with that. Is it unreasonable of me? What should I be doing at this point?

amother

Tue, Jun 03 2014, 10:49 am

asp40 wrote:

Let her come and stay with you. I know that it seems stressful now, but once she is there it will be fine. During the day you can move the air mattress out of the way and you will have most of your space back. I too used to hate having guests stay over, but my DH loves it. It always ends up being fine, as long as DH entertains them when I need a break.

The problem is she sleeps until the seuda and then takes a long nap. I'll be giving up my entire living quarters (also not sure how I will prepare the meal it's a one room living room/dining room). She also takes forever to get ready in the bathroom. I'm not sure how she is as a guest but she takes an hour long shower at home much to everyone elses chagrin. She is socially normal so I don't think she'd do that by my friend but she might try it by us (after all, we are family). I also don't know how I'll get ready for work Sunday morning with her sleeping in my living room (where I get dressed to not wake dh and where I need to walk through to get to kitchen to pack lunch and then to leave). Telling me it's ok to disturb her doesn't make it any easier. Also, not to sound crude but my schedule really hasn't been working out with DHs and weekends are really our only time to be together. A. I don't want to share him and B. Ummmm, there goes THAT idea this week! Will be no privacy at all.

PAMOM

Tue, Jun 03 2014, 11:50 am

I know it sounds stressful but you can do this ( and if she spends one night with neighbors , you can be with dh then). Tell her your schedule and when the bathroom has to be available for you and dh. If she's dh's sister , let him deal with your getting dressed in the bedroom. Take her at her word that she'll go back to sleep when you leave. She wants to see you both and she's family. I've been that guest abd it was fun for me to be with family, but I've been that host so I understand your concern.

amother

Tue, Jun 03 2014, 12:30 pm

studying_torah wrote:

Can she just come motzei shabbos thru Sunday? Still the same issues but for a much shorter time frame

That would be a waste of her time because she's driving four hours for this wedding. For that money she may as well come just for the wedding. Or even sleep over Sunday night because I don't have to leave that early Monday. She really wants to come to us for Shabbos though. If only the wedding was Sat night and she could go back right after lol.

Quote:

The problem is we're both dead come Friday night and rely on Shabbos day. If she's by the neighbor will be fine so long as she is sleeping in afternoon I guess. And yes she wants to see us but this is less than ideal timing for us though given the circumstances (that she is coming for a wedding) we don't really have much of a choice. As far as scheduling bathroom sessions--um that's WAY too complicated when you have an 8 month fetus kicking on your bladder!! and way too formal for a guest to feel comfortable. And it's not just getting dressed in the bedroom it's being able to freely move about my space.

From all these responses I guess I really am just an awful person. It feels like HUGE deal to me and I REALLY don't want it! I feel like she wants to come and were somewhat happy to have her but she knows we have limited space and are doing our best to accommodate her. When we go there we get all sorts of uncomfortable arrangements which don't include her giving us her private space (I'm not a believer in single kids needing to give up their rooms for married couples just because they are single and don't hold it against her but at the same time it feels like she is asking me to do for her what she wouldn't do for me and our visits there are always uncomfortable (we have to stay at random neighbors who don't have comfortable/private accommodations or by my relatives who are a ten minute walk each way which adds up when your pregnant and there are lots of meals! but obviously not going isn't an option either)).

I guess I was hoping people would agree that it's not the end of the world if I put her up by my parents for Sat night even if she's slightly less comfortable there. Maybe I'm just crazy and an awful host Sad

amother

Tue, Jun 03 2014, 12:37 pm

Raisin wrote:

maybe tell her your concerns. Personally if I was sleeping in someones living room I wold not sleep in. She may not act the same way as she does at home.

I wouldn't call sleeping past 5am on a Sunday morning "sleeping in". It's a perfectly reasonable hour to be sleeping and I wish I could do it myself! Besides, her being awake then isn't any better--I don't want to be entertaining so much alone. It's the only open space. We have living room/dining room and bedroom. It's not like there is somewhere for either of us to escape to. She doesn't know people and I can't go out because she needs entertainment. I'll also feel bad escaping to my room because I've been the guest where the host disappeared to room for long stretches and didn't know what to do with myself. It was really awkward and I hope to not repeat that myself!

amother

Tue, Jun 03 2014, 1:25 pm

no one will tell you that you should just cancel on her.

Think about it ...how many people can you really host at this point with a small apt.??? Really almost no one but her!! So, you will be a little inconvenienced ....you'll get over it!

Main thing is .. she should have a nice time when she is with you.

Don't worry if you make noise getting ready on Sun. No one cares .. not her, not your DH so you will try to deal with it too.

My best memories when I have when I was single is staying with my friend in her 1 bedroom apt , sleeping on her futon in the living room. They were so happy to have a guest and were so nice to me. I was so happy to be there! After her baby was born, there were nights she joined me on the futon while nursing and trying to keep her eyes open.

You make it sound like it's for a month.

Let her go to neighbor for fri night then to to you.

you will survive!

amother

Tue, Jun 03 2014, 3:03 pm

amother wrote:

Now she's saying she'll stay at hotel sat night. Do I have to insist she stay by us? Honestly, she's prob best off in hotel so she can have her endless showers and not worry about it (twice a day an hour each etc)

No. Please don't insist that she stay with you.

Your animosity towards her is quite clear in your posts, and I've little doubt that she is quite aware that you don't want her around. You'll do best to allow your husband to salvage whatever relationship he has with his sister by having her stay elsewhere.

amother

Tue, Jun 03 2014, 3:13 pm

amother wrote:

all her communication has been with DH and she has no clue that I'm really not up to it these days. I'm annoyed that I have to do it but unless she's on this site she has no clue how I feel. She's always been aware that we have a small apartment. And she has no idea what pregnancy does to you because she's single. The only thing she does understand is liking ones personal space and my work schedule because she is similar in both regards.

abound

Fri, Jun 06 2014, 6:36 am

There are over 11000 people on this site, You can keep posting to people will tell you that you are 100% okay if you tell her that she cannot come. Personally that I think there is a huge leap from being a horrible person to not allowing your SIL into your house.
Think to yourself, would you be okay with your own sibling staying over like that? Is 2-3 days of being slightly uncomfortable, worth your relationship with your SIL?
(I do not think that you will have a bad relationship with her. But family ties are made by spending time together and bending over backwards for each other.)

5*Mom

Fri, Jun 06 2014, 6:59 am

I will be the voice of dissent. I know there is single-girl cluelessness, but inviting yourself over, without asking, to your very pregnant sil's ONE BEDROOM apartment for THREE DAYS?? Who does that?? OP, your sil is in the wrong, not you. And it's not as if you're turning her out into the street, either; you've arranged other comfortable accommodations for her. But oy, she's not so comfortable. Oh well. You can be nice, you can be gentle, you can tell her you'd be happy for her to spend time with you during the day, but you do not have to do this.

ETA: And if I were your sil's mother, she'd get an earful from me. Not okay.

amother

Fri, Jun 06 2014, 7:36 am

abound wrote:

I'm not trying to tell her she can't come. I never considered that an option. Same way I didn't consider it an option when my brother wanted to come for a meal last week when I wasn't up to it. Some things you just do and I'm sucking it up yet again. I'm happy she's coming. It was staying on my living room floor that was difficult for me. As for my own siblings--no, I wouldn't have them sleep on my floor any more quickly than her.

5*mom wrote:

I appreciate your post. To be fair--she did ask (though I guess this kind of asking isn't really asking...she's being in town one day and wants to make the most of it). I don't hold it against her for asking and it will be nice to spend shabbos with her (especially since dh feels like he never sees his family) it was just the space that's the issue. Thinking back I've been invited to siblings when they had it rough (one found out she lost a pregnancy and was going for D&E after the weekend but insisted it was perfect timing for me because she knew my parents were away) but they always had more space. And maybe they're just better people I don't know.

Anyway, turns out she will be staying my neighbor over shabbos and hotel Sat night. IF I can touch base with said neighbor!