How Can You Do Everything? Should we push ourselves?

Iymnok

Mon, Jun 09 2014, 2:29 pm

DH Felt a huge difference in his tefilla after learning Rav Shimshon Pincus.

The words are the same but there has never been the same tefilla twice since creation. Inspiration doesn't come, you have to work on it. Learn the words etc.

amother

Mon, Jun 09 2014, 3:29 pm

I will link here to what I wrote about my DH and his "vasikin" hobby:
old thread

Although he was more available this bain hazmanim, because he did allow himself to sleep a bit later, he did wake up to learn as early as he could and then went to daven. But at least he wasn't falling asleep all day.

It's just not always ideal for a family's situation, and I agree with those who said that OP's friend & her DH need to talk to a Rov.

zaq

Mon, Jun 09 2014, 7:53 pm

Jewishmom8 wrote:

you know what is really interesting.
I think that at times its the men but more often than not the women do it to themselves.
.

ITA. Women are very skilled at guilt. But it starts, I think, with being told from at least jr. high that a. their job is to enable their dh to learn and b. every second their dh spends doing something other than learning-- is a second wasted. Women are not inventing this idea on their own; they're merely taking that ball and running with it. The occasional rebellious troublemaker (read: independent rational thinker) concludes that learning should be a significant part of a man's life and his wife should be willing to make reasonable accommodations for same, but that she and their children should factor at least equally in her dh life.

Remember Rambam's Golden Mean. Not to mention Yitro's advice to Moshe: "Lo tov hadavar asher attah oseh. Navol tibol gam attah gam ha'am hazeh asher imach ki kaved mimcha hadavar lo tuchal asehu levadecha." Passion and dedication must be balanced with common sense.

StarrySky

Mon, Jun 09 2014, 9:13 pm

OP, please, would you let me know if your husband finds something that will help him?
Also, does this outlook of his affect any other areas of his observance? Is he an ffb, bt or ger?
thank you

amother

Mon, Jun 09 2014, 9:52 pm

It sounds like I can be your friend who you are talking about. But not exactly because the details are different.
my dh is learning full time so it's different than her dh but it's still similar. Many learning dhs still find time for their family/wives... but he manages to find extra times to learn in addition to set kollel hours. Yeah he's a big masmid but sometimes its just too much.

What I find really interesting is how many people on this thread are saying how it's the wives who are doing this to themselves and guilting themselves. They don't want to ask their husbands for more help, etc.. IT is completely the opposite by us. I beg him all the time to take a break from learning and be more available for us. Both to help us and for just together time. But he wont do that..oh well.

All I can say OP is that to me your situation is way more ideal than mine. I 'll switch in a minute.

amother

Tue, Jun 10 2014, 12:33 am

happywoman wrote:

OP, please, would you let me know if your husband finds something that will help him?
Also, does this outlook of his affect any other areas of his observance? Is he an ffb, bt or ger?
thank you

He's an FFB, but has struggled religiously since his teen years, as have all his siblings. His parents are BT/geirim, and one is off the derech now and the other is super shtark.

It doesn't really affect other areas, because he lets me call the shots religiously, and agrees to go by what our rav says, when it comes to what the rav says is mutar or assur. But its the asehs, like davening, tefillin, tzitzis, etc... that he struggles with. The biggest way it affects the rest of us is I'm concerned chinuch-wise for the kids because of it.

princessleah

Tue, Jun 10 2014, 10:49 am

This idea makes me kind of angry-- that the woman's role is to facilitate her husband's learning. We are not simply help-meets!
Women have their OWN obligations. Are these men being told to take 30 minutes in the morning to watch the kids so their wives can daven shacharit?? Why don't they have an obligation to facilitate that!
Are they told to come home early once per month so their wives can do a quiet and complete chafifa and then go to the mikvah??? Are they home on mikvah night making supper for the kids???

Only men have mitzvot they are obligated in? Or only theirs are important enough to merit help!??

Jewishmom8

Tue, Jun 10 2014, 11:04 am

princessleah wrote:

I dont think that anyone said that.
look its a lifestyle they chose together going in. they have the right to do that. just like if a woman wants to marry a doctor or a lawyer there are things that come along with that. I want my husband to be a rav and learn a lot of torah. I think its a good thing and I am willing to go the extra mile to make it happen. within reason.
clearly this couple the op is talking about they have issues.
my husband is in kollel now for 10+ years. he is great and helps me a lot and there there for me when I need him.

StarrySky

Tue, Jun 10 2014, 2:10 pm

amother wrote:

B"H thats all your problem then. My husband basically says at this point that he is willing to basically look like he is everything everyone else is, just for my sake. I refused that. I said he needs to be honest with himself and everyone else.
Yes, chinuch-wise.... But I am guessing your kids are in a jewish school? then they spend a lot more time there than at home. So I wouldnt worry so much.

Ruchel

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 8:41 am

Quote:

Are they told to come home early once per month so their wives can do a quiet and complete chafifa and then go to the mikvah??? Are they home on mikvah night making supper for the kids???

Yes of course.
A woman isn't forced to daven "like a man". She has her own obligations, and yes he must help.