Delicate situation. Advice? Trigger warning for abuse.

amother

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 12:59 pm

I was matched to learn with someone through Partners in Torah. After we had learned a few months, she revealed to me that her husband is a convicted relations offender, and the crime was against a child. I googled and found him and the crime he committed.

I know I need to talk to my rav, but he's very busy.

On one hand, it is very uncomfortable for me to learn with someone who would stay married to such a person. On the other hand, maybe learning Torah will help her to deal with her situation.

The other problem is if she can't learn when I call, HE calls me back and tells me. Now, I'm sure he's just trying to be polite or whatever, but I don't want this guy calling my house. It makes my skin crawl.

WWYD?

allthingsblue

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 1:04 pm

My own initial uneducated response is: don't punish the wife for her husband's crime. It's bad enough that she went through all that pain and humiliation; please don't reject her, adding to her pain. I'm sure she feels isolated enough as it is...

Since you are Partners in Torah, you learn over the phone, and I really don't think you have what to worry about. Of course, you'd be right not to go over to her house or invite them to yours- but I don't see how learning over the phone can be harmful.

amother

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 1:23 pm

OP here. I am not scared that he would do anything to my family.

And I do worry about punishing her for the crime her husband did. But at the same time, I know that if my husband committed the same crime, I would not stay with him under any circumstances. I both feel sorry for and also don't understand her.

But she is very sweet and eager to learn, and I would hate to pull that out from under her. I wish she had never told me this.

Scrabble123

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 1:26 pm

If you don't feel that her husband is a threat or poses a danger to you (which I'm not sure why he would at this point), I don't see what learning Torah with someone has to do with your personal opinion of her life choices..... I don't either understand why she shared it with you, but just put it aside and learn together. Personal mistakes, decisions, etc. have no place here. Why do you feel the need to understand someone you are LEARNING with?

If you feel your family is in danger, then cut it off. Even for a small percent of a chance, but if it is just about her personal decisions and your disapproval of them, then I feel you are totally out of line and wrong.

Last edited by Scrabble123 on Sun, Jun 08 2014, 1:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

allthingsblue

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 1:34 pm

amother wrote:

it's easy for you to say that, because I'm sure deep down you think your husband would never do such a thing, so you'll never be tested in this area! But when push comes to shove, there are a lot of factors involved, such as money, kids, and perhaps love and a hope that things will change. Maybe she was advised by a rav or therapist to stay together. You just don't know!!! I know other wives who stayed with their husbands after such a thing (for now, at least)- but honestly, you cannot judge her for that!!!

Shopmiami49

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 2:10 pm

If she told you about it, she is obviously looking for your friendship/support learning partner. Don't push her away unless you feel that her husband is a threat to your family. It's not fair to her to judge her and make her suffer because of what her husband did.

OTOH, it is imperative for you to set boundaries. Decide what you are ok or not ok with and make sure she knows it. You can probably have a frank discussion and tell her something like "I am so happy to be able to learn with you. I think we are doing well together and I am looking forward to continuing. However, it is important to me that we keep our learning partnership separate from your personal life. I know you must be going through a tough time and I wish I could do more/know what to to say to help. Unfortunately I don't, so the best way I can be of support is to keep our learning strong. Oh and by the way, if you can't make it, I would rather you give me a missed call/text me/leave me a message yourself."

amother

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 2:11 pm

I agree with others that you should not punish the wife for her husband's acts. Btw, I know this goes against everything the world wants to have us believe but 1st time offenders who have loved ones who push them and support them through rehab and intensive continuous monitoring/therapy have less of a chance at recidivism.

We were there with a family member and when we went to psychiatrists who specialize in dealing with offenders, this was the mssg we kept getting: don't isolate him. Set rules and he must go through intensive and highly qualified rehab program. He's been on parole for 8 years and his parole officers are constantly telling us the same. It's our support that keeps him in his therapy program and 12 step program for last 8 years.

Talya

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 2:14 pm

debsenr@gmail.com wrote:

To me, it would be a clear cut halacha question. Ask a rav who is knowledgeable about this. do what he says.
debs

What's the halachic shayla?

imasinger

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 2:16 pm

As I see it, you have two options.

If you feel you can wall off what she told you, you can limit your interaction to learning. You can tell her that you do not want her DH having your number or calling you when she can't make it, you'll deal if she doesn't call.

If you don't feel comfortable, then call Partners in Torah and ask her to be reassigned to someone else, and make your excuses to her.

You decide which feels right for you.

5*Mom

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 2:18 pm

amother wrote:

This.

You don't know; this woman might be making the ultimate sacrifice for the safety of her community. In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, judge her well, not harshly. But do set boundaries if you need them in order to feel less uncomfortable.

Ruchel

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 2:37 pm

WOY!!!

This woman is a tzadeket to say the truth. Yet again you have to protect your family and your sanity.

Maybe, unfortunately, something will come up in your life that will restrict your learning more and more until you can't anymore... see what I mean!

debsey

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 4:43 pm

Talya wrote:

What's the halachic shayla?

I'm Partners in Torah with this woman. I like her. I feel she likes me. Stopping to learn with her due to her marital situation could be a huge chillul Hashem and hurt another Yid. But I'm scared and I find what her husband did morally repugnant.
Halachically, am I obligated to keep learning with her because I don't want to hurt another Jew and she would be very hurt by my decision.
That would be MY question.
debs

Talya

Sun, Jun 08 2014, 4:48 pm

debsenr@gmail.com wrote:

She said she is not concerned about her safety.