Mishpacha - Midlife Divorce

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Hobbies, Crafts, and Collections -> Reading Room

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 10:23 pm

I was wondering what people thought of this article.

My parents are married 35 plus years with 3 teens still at home. They are virtual strangers sharing the same home. I guess the article put some fear into me, could my parents actually take this route in a few years?

Honestly, sometimes I feel anger at my parents. They had a wonderful marriage in the beginning until finances, life circumstances and a dozen kids got in the way. They drifted apart from each other and have been living separate lives under the same roof for years now. I think they should expend the effort to fix this problem, I don't believe they've gone for therapy once. I've try to coach my mother to put more effort into her marriage, but she is so uninterested. It's unfair to model such bad marriage habits to the younger kids in the family.

Reading through peoples narrations in the article made me so upset. How self centered can some parents be. None of my parents are abusive or emotionally unstable. Yes, my parents have beef with each other, some very substantiated. But as couples, please try your best to work on your marriage.

I know many people on this site struggle with their DH. I would love to hear their side, why it's OK to give up on a marriage when some effort could make it work. Do you not think a second marriage will require tremendous sacrifice as well?

anonymom

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 10:35 pm

The whole article rubbed me the wrong way. Why make it seem like such a normal thing? Why do kids have to read about it? Why do young couples have to hear this? Will it help anyone have a better marriage?

heidi

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 10:40 pm

I actually thought that was what the article was trying to say, OP. That working hard may save a marriage but people just aren't willing to put the effort into it. I didn't think the article was advocating for midlife divorce. I have to say I am surprised at your attitude-- if you know your parents are miserable, and obviously setting a really bad example for what married life should look like, why do you think they should stay together?

DrMom

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 10:50 pm

anonymom wrote:

Should we in the frum community never acknowledge marital issues, so that children and young couples don't hear about them?

The fact is that midlife is a time when marriages are particularly prone to divorce. Discussing it in an article can help validate feelings of those with similar sentiments, can help catalyze important discussions, may inspire other coupes at risk for divorce to seek counseling, etc.

I don't believe the frum community does itself any good by sweeping all problems under the rug and pretending that everything is perfect. We all have ideals, but in the end, we frum Jews are real people. Why not acknowledge that?

amother

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 10:58 pm

heidi wrote:

OP here, What I'm saying is they should put in the effort to work on their marriage. Why is it that some couples just give up? I have a relative who divorced after 6 years. It never worked from day one, her DH had some major issues. But if one was happily married for over a decade, can't they at least work to recoup that?

heidi

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 11:02 pm

I'm not trying to be thick here, but it seems that your parents aren't willing to do that, unfortunately. My question, and it might be off topic, is when do you think it's OK to call it quits?

DrMom

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 11:20 pm

OP, how do you know that your parents never tried counseling? Just because they didn't inform you, doesn't mean they didn't work on their marriage.

You really have no idea what goes on in their marriage, or how their marriage arrived at its current state.

Edited to correct typo.

Last edited by DrMom on Mon, Jun 16 2014, 12:27 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 11:25 pm

heidi wrote:

I'm not trying to be thick here, but it seems that your parents aren't willing to do that, unfortunately. My question, and it might be off topic, is when do you think it's OK to call it quits?

OP here, I can't imagine my parents happy as a divorced couple. The burden it comes with is tremendous. I have an amazing marriage and it boggles my mind that my parents aren't willing to do the work to try to reclaim what was once theirs.

My mother told me they never went to marriage counseling. And she refused to speak to the Rav I recommended either. She told me "it's beyond hope."

Maybe it's that little girl in me that just wants mom and dad happy. But seeing adults make bad choices in life is frustrating.

MaBelleVie

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 11:28 pm

anonymom wrote:

I actually really appreciated the article. First of all, it did not make it seem normal, just common. All of the professionals who contributed basically said that it happens for the most part due to one or both spouses not taking responsibility for his part in making the marriage work. They made it sound like these couples could have had happier lives if they had been willing to own up to their own shortcomings and resolved to address them.

Kids? Kids should not be reading this magazine. They have their own magazine to read. I'm very against the idea that the main magazine should be child proof. It's written for adults, and thank goodness for that.

I think it benefits young couples to read this. Here's why. They're still starting out now, and are less set in their ways and complacent in their marriages. They're more likely to seek help early on, rather than let things fester and rot. Which young couple is going to read this and think, oh I want to be that couple- live like strangers (at best) until we marry off our kids and divorce in middle age. It's a push to action for young couples, IMO.

Anyway, the article was not a pleasant read, but I appreciated it nonetheless, and I applaud them for tackling this complex topic.

amother

Sun, Jun 15 2014, 11:32 pm

I agreed a lot with this artice
giving my life as an example
I moved because DH wanted but I'm miserable here. the only reason I'm still here is because I have kids.
There are a lot of other issues too - I did try to go to counseling but MY DH isn't willing to change, so I gave up on trying .
I'm just living day to day with the thought that Iy"h my youngest is getting married I'm out.
I;m giving up my life as long as they're still home, but I don't have to stay together after they hopefule set up happy homes so that they should feel good.

studying_torah

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 12:29 am

To the op- it's easy to judge your parents for living 'separate lives under the same roof', especially since you bh have a great marriage. But, give yourself time, go thru challenges and see it's not always a conscious decision, nor can it always be fixed- if they were happy for 10 yrs but are married for 35- that means for 25 yrs they were not happy. You have no way of knowing what changed after that decade, and if it can be fixed or not, esp when they're unhappy more than twice as long as they were happy.

Simple1

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 12:34 am

MaBelleVie wrote:

Kids? Kids should not be reading this magazine. They have their own magazine to read. I'm very against the idea that the main magazine should be child proof. It's written for adults, and thank goodness for that.

It depends how you define "kid". It's awkward to tell a teen that they can't read the frum magazine that's sitting on your table. And it's not practical to hide away magazines in the bedroom.

Simple1

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 12:37 am

OP, I understand the topic upset you because it hit you personally. But really midlife divorce, should be not much different than any other life stage, with the question always being how much should the couple try to work things out.

Tablepoetry

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 2:01 am

amother wrote:

Some respect.
They are your parents.
Your mother told you 'it's beyond hope'.

Maybe as a young, optimistic person with a 'great marriage', you cannot fathom a relationship that is beyond hope. One day you will understand that this exists.

Your mother does NOT want to fix this marriage. It is perhaps unfixable. Maybe things occured over the decades that she is unwilling to forget or forgive. Can you not think of some examples?

Maybe your father cheated. (or your mother). Maybe he had a three year affair with someone. Maybe he went to harlots and she caught an STD. You think she would tell you that? Or do you think YOU have the right to tell your mother (or anybody else) to get over it and salvage the marriage? Not everyone is willing to forgive these things.

Maybe one of your parents has zero libido and has refused intimacy for a decade. You think she would tell you that?

Maybe your parents never really loved each other in the first place, and got married because that's what everyone was doing. Maybe there's nothing to 'salvage', and you are just romanticizing their early years because you were little and they put on a great show.

Or maybe they did have a great relationship, but decades of mistreatment by one or the other caused such resentment that they aren't willing to ever get over it. Maybe your mother doesn't want to get all warm and cozy with the man that hurt or neglected or ignored her for twenty years.

Your mother does not want to build emotional intimacy with your father. Either it's impossible, or for her it's impossible. (pretty much the same thing).
I don't know why she stayed with him (fear? money? lack of independence? belief it's best for the kids?)......but you really must respect what she has to say about the relationship.

freidasima

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 2:44 am

Some marriages were not meant to be in the first place. Op dont fall into the little girl trap of happily ever after. It doesnt always happen that way in spite of everyone trying.

amother

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 2:59 am

amother wrote:

I have not read the other responses and have not read the article (I dont get mishpacha magazine) but I have to say OP, what a way to judge your parents. Even though you grew up in your parent's home, there is no way, not any way at all, to know what really went on in your parent's marriage.
Most people start off with amazing marriages (but not even everyone at that) but even for those who do start off with amazing marriages, it does not always continue that way.
You say that you dont think they have gone for therapy once. How would you know? Do you live at home? Do you know all of your parent's goings on? No. There is no way that you know everything.

As for your question as to why people just give up and dont make an effort, how do you know that there was no effort made at all? How can anyone know that about any other couple? In my in laws marriage, my fil is abusive to any and every family member. My mother in law has not left him because she has always been nervous financially that she could make it on her own, but she has been living a separate life from my father in law for years. It is a very sad situation, but it happens.

And again, how can say that no effort was made? On your parents part or any of these couples here on imamother who post in the shalom bayis forum. Who are you to say that the amount of effort put in (very small or very large) was not enough.)

Divorce is very hard. Very. Dont discredit that at all either. And very hard emotionally as well, for the entire family. There are so many different variables in a family situation.

Dont judge your parents until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Really.

MaBelleVie

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 7:55 am

Simple1 wrote:

It depends how you define "kid". It's awkward to tell a teen that they can't read the frum magazine that's sitting on your table. And it's not practical to hide away magazines in the bedroom.

Personally I don't think they cover any topics that are inappropriate for a hs age teen. I would be extremely disappointed if the magazine were edited with teens in mind though. Not everything frum is childproof and that's ok. Tanach and gemara are a lot more juicy than anything in mishpacha.

Ruchel

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 2:02 pm

You are all very hard on OP!!!
Wow. Of course she cannot understand such a long relationship and of course parental divorce is hard at any age! I have relatives who fight constantly (won't divorce), relatives who separated "due to medical needs in different retirement homes" (won't divorce/separate openly)... it's very hard for their children who are... grandparents...

Vent away, OP! you are allowed to your feelings...

As for juicy parts... many circles don't teach them to teens/unmarried!

amother

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 2:32 pm

I haven't read the article you are referring to, but I'll give my parents as a real-life example of what it seems like you are saying. My parents were married for 23 years before deciding to divorce. They went to counseling exactly twice before deciding to split and before the divorce was final, my mom was dating the therapist! (My parents are not frum.) I felt my mom was extremely selfish for divorcing - she basically stated that she was tired of all the responsibility and wanted her freedom.

However, after about 12 years of being alone, she met someone and got remarried. I've never seen her so happy. I think it was a combination of needing to grow up and being in a very different stage of life, but I don't think she could ever have been so happy with my dad. She's become somewhat less selfish, though still pretty self-absorbed.

I sometimes wonder if I should follow her footsteps - I think I'm in a similar marriage to the one she was in with my dad - but I'm terrified that I won't find that person who will make me happy.

das

Mon, Jun 16 2014, 4:12 pm

Coddling children doesnt make them stronger. Nothing will happen if they're exposed to real issues, within reason.

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next