Need desperate help for my gifted daughter

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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myym

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 3:07 pm

Hi all, I've been dreaming about posting here for ages.
I have a daughter who is gifted, in that she is way above average intelligence, and above average maturity, in the way she speaks and carries herself. As many of you know, there's a package of traits that come with giftedness. She is very intense. Very sensitive, and notices the minutest detail. Her brain is constantly racing and she constantly comes up with crazy ideas. Every 2 minutes in my house, literally: "ma, can I cut my bangs? next 2 min: "ma can you order me a tank top to wear under my shirt? Next 2 min: Ma I wanna go swimming tonight. Next 2 min: "Ma, can I have a drink? You can imagine the next time I hear that MA! I am ready to shriek. This is all with my other children clamoring for my attention.. So that's a big issue of hers, nonstop coming up with ideas. I've considered the diagnosis of ADHD but we had her evaluated and they said she had oppositional defiant disorder which we have worked on and seen positive results, and they also said anxiety but said she didn't need meds. I'm wondering if she does need meds.
Another huge issue is her complete lack of social skills. We have taken her to many professionals, psychologists, social workers...all have been extremely unhelpful! She would tell me,
" I don't want to go. I'm not gonna change." She is all of 9 years old.
In terms of friendships, she will initially have a friend but then she will call them 15x in a row and smother them so they won't like her. When I tell her that we don't call someone more than 1 x she completely disregards what Im saying. She calls with an urgency as if she must speak to them, and when they don't answer the phone she get crazy frustrated. Maybe that's the anxiety? I really don't know. It's extremely sad for me to see her have no friends. Very painful. She knows she doesn't have friends. Anyone out there have a gifted child, who can advise me? This is just a drop in the ocean of what we deal with...She is more challenging than my special needs child. Can really get under your skin! Any relevant advice is most appreciated.

Zehava

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 3:23 pm

This is me and sounds a lot like my little sister who is about the same age.
I don't remember nagging like that but boy does my sister do it!!!
Can you clarify what kind of help you are looking for? Practical help? Just advice?

myym

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 3:34 pm

I need help! Never mind that I am losing my mind from her. She has the same whine as my 2 yr old. Literally. I never know who was the one who said, MAAA!
So are you an adult who was a gifted child without friends? I would love to hear your perspective.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 3:36 pm

Asperger's? Sensory?

Sensory people learn to self-calm. Maybe she could use help learning some techniques of how to do that. Such as when they don't answer the phone.

She needs to cope with a physical thing she can't argue with. I recommend sports. I recommend pottery, throwing on the wheel. It should be hard. It should be obvious when you have done it right and when you have not done it right.

Possibly carpentry. There, you can waste wood, make holes in the wrong place, and hurt yourself. She will NOT like that and will learn very quickly to control herself.

Also dealing with animals. Do that wrong, and you get bit and stepped on by, say, a horse. Do it right and you feel good.

She is not tired enough. She does need a shadow to always talk to.

As she has none of that, you are the project.

She is lonely.

I recommend music: get an electric keyboard at Amazon. With headphones so only she can hear it. They are amazing and imitate all kinds of instruments.

Make sure she has plenty of large, very large, paper to draw and paint on. Hang up her paintings prominently.

Get her stuffed animals, large and small.

http://www.amazon.com/Casio-CT.....piano

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Jun 17 2014, 3:40 pm; edited 1 time in total

Zehava

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 3:37 pm

Yes that was me. Without the whine. I think.
Ummmm if you live near me I'd say send her over sometimes but I'm not really the best with whining either... How is she with other adults?

Zehava

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 3:42 pm

I agree with the painting and music.
There are Sunday programs that develop various talents. Let her choose what she's good at. It'll give her creative expression and a sense of acheivemant and will give you some peace and quiet.

amother

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 3:47 pm

Does sound a bit like anxiety or even manic... but if you've seen professionals and tried to implement their advice, I am not sure what better advice you will get here.

However, you should realize that a situation can change. So, if, for example, you were told she has anxiety but does not need meds, but now she is more anxious, it might be time to see that professional again.

I, personally, would work with a homeopath...

amother

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 3:49 pm

I'm the poster above. Just to add that I have a couple of gifted children but they did not display any of what you describe, totally different personalities & were able to entertain themselves, with only occasional input or suggestions from me.

So while her giftedness might make her more creative in her ideas, it may not have anything to do with the fact that she's so demanding.

myym

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 4:00 pm

Original poster here. To the mom who advised art classes. we did that all year. she very good at it. She did act impatiently there sometimes. Demanded a lot of attention from the teachers. It worked out well though. That's done for the summer. In terms of checking out her anxiety again, I think I will do that. I just started her on a bunch of vitamins recommended from the nutritionist at MAXI Health. If that doesn't work we will try a psychiatrist again. Does anyone have any insights from my description of her? She's also not so nice sometimes. Like she's extremely jealous of anything the child right underneath her gets. She says she hates him and I think she really does. If there is an option of both of them getting a treat or none of them, she would rather neither of them get, than that he also gets. Anyone with any insights, please advise.!

mummiedearest

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 4:04 pm

Zehava wrote:

just wanted to say, those programs billed as "sunday programs" are generally glorified babysitting. check out the program and make sure there's actual value in it. get her into a GOOD art/music program.

mummiedearest

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 4:06 pm

oh, and take your dd to therapy regularly. let her say she doesn't want to, but take her anyway. it sounds like she could benefit from therapy, especially if she has anxiety. and you might consider therapy for yourself, so you can learn coping techniques.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 4:10 pm

You have entirely missed my point.

She needs to transition into being able to solve her own stresses. Not art classes, the materials to make art any time she feels like, it as a method of calming herself down.

Not music classes, but a keyboard she can use when she needs to calm herself down. Emphasis: HERSELF.

Temple Grandin (read her book), very high-functioning autistic, built a squeeze box she could use on herself, HERSELF, to give her the deep massage she needed to .... calm herself down. Alone. On her own.

You must understand that the kid needs to get some mastery. She needs to be taught and given materials for, ways to master her OWN impulses without endless help from other people.

Stop responding so much. Silently hand her or point to, something she can do for HERSELF.

Don't let her terrorize the younger sibling. She must be trained endlessly not to say " I hate so and so" at least not in his/her hearing.

Do NOT let the particular needs of one child overshadow the legit needs of another one. Spend only the same amount of time and love on each one.

The danger is one, this one perhaps, ends up getting both too much of one thing and not enough of the other. Meaning, too much time, and not enough love. One comes to dislike that one. But while still over-attending to her.

Be very sweet to her, but also learn to ignore her. She won't die of being ignored. Or while you are busy with somebody or something else, simply stroke her head affectionately, but stay involved with that other thing.

By responding to each and every thing she says, you are implying strongly that that is a necessary thing for her survival. You are teaching that she must be responded to, or bad things might happen. Let her experience that being ignored a little isn't the end of the world.

Also, brief, friendly, eye contact for a moment may be ALL she really needs. Or a friendly pat on the hand. Not a literal response to what she said. She may just be checking the dial tone.

I speak under correction. Others may have much more knowledge of this than I do.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Jun 17 2014, 4:15 pm; edited 1 time in total

5*Mom

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 4:13 pm

I am not a professional but it sounds to me like your dd has some very significant social cognitive deficits as well as executive function deficits. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record here, but I would strongly recommend that you get her a thorough evaluation by a great pediatric neuropsychologist. You will get a detailed assessment of her developmental strengths and deficits and detailed recommendations for remediation, which will give you a much clearer idea of how to move forward from here.

imasinger

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 4:21 pm

She sounds a whole lot like my DD, almost 12.

Here's what has helped us:

1. An excellent social skills program; ours has a physically active component which serves in place of OT. It costs a lot, and is worth every penny (we live OOT, so can't advise you about what is good elsewhere).

2. Parenting classes/talk with a therapist about how to get her to cooperate. This is really key. We were told that our positive changes in parenting could do more good than lots of therapy for her.

3. In our case, an evaluation with a good developmental pediatrician. Sometimes, when there are several conditions comorbid, or a kid that's really bright, it takes an especially astute diagnostician.

For us, ADHD was diagnosed (after several years of being told by less knowledgeable practitioners that she didn't have it), and medication helped significantly.

4. Developing a hobby where she has some skill andcan make friends with like minded people. For my DD,it's drama and theater at the moment.

Hatzlacha, and hang in there!

bnm

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 5:04 pm

social skills group

amother

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 5:10 pm

OP, you might want to post where you live & you'll get recommendations for good professionals of all sorts.

amother

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 5:56 pm

Her intensity, urgency, need for absolute attention and defiance makes me wonder if she has a mood regulation issue.

Kids like that do well on mood stabilizers.

5*Mom

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 5:59 pm

amother wrote:

Her intensity, urgency, need for absolute attention and defiance makes me wonder if she has a mood regulation issue.

Kids like that do well on mood stabilizers.

Emotional regulation can be chemical or cognitive. Many of the other suggestions have multiple possible roots as well, each with its own remediation path. That's why she needs a thorough eval first.

November

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 6:06 pm

OP you mentioned having a different child with special needs. Can you say more about that? What is the age difference?

myym

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 9:15 pm

Hi Again. OP here. Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. For the person who said to give my area so ppl can provide professionals I'm in Brooklyn/Manhattan area and willing to travel a bit. I would need a fantastic evaluator because I have already been quite around town. 5*mom mentioned specific deficits she thought. If you can elaborate on those, or provide a name of someone to go to. I spoke to relief plenty of times already so that's not a new idea. And I forgot to mention we did a social skills group that was truly a waste of time, travel and money. Ima Singer wrote that she has a similar child. I would love to hear your experience and about your child. I have yet to find someone who can relate to me and I know theres gotta be kids like my daughter out there. Also, my issue with taking her to a psychiatrist again is that they meet the parents for an hour and then the child for a half hour and that's what they use to make a diagnosis. I think that's ridiculous. My daughter will not whine, and act intense or even speak much to the psychiatrist. And for them to just go by what Im saying I feel is only a partial picture. Also there are loads of books out there saying that gifted children are very often misdiagnosed because of their typical attributes...On the other hand maybe medication would be beneficial...HELP!

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