Dilemma-Do I say yes to chesed and no to husband or opp?

amother

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 5:01 pm

So this happened yesterday. I went to a wedding last night to say mazel tov to a colleague who got married.
The hall was 20min out of the area. My dh drove me which is highly unusual giving his tight schedule, so we enjoyed a ride together without the kids...
On the way out of the hall to get to the car, a women stopped me asking if we can give her a ride home. I really really wanted time alone with my dh and was looking forward for this ride home, but my mouth said - sure!...
When she left the car my dh was quite upset and told me we missed an opportunity and I should have told her outright that I can't offer her the ride cuz I wanne spend time with dh...
What should I have done??? it would be awkward to say such a reply as she was quite desperate to get home as her babysitter was waiting for her and there was no one else outside the hall going home that time.. so I was basically backed to a corner...
BTW in my community not everyone drives, much less women, so it is very normal to ask for a ride, and get it...

MaBelleVie

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 5:12 pm

I would check with my husband first... And if he isn't on board, go back to the woman and apologize with the excuse that he needs to make some confidential phone calls during the car ride.

zaq

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 5:52 pm

I disagree with the previous posters. If the normal way of things in your community is that people depend on the kindness of strangers for transportation, what were you going to do--leave the woman stranded with no way to get home? It's not as if you were being treated for IF and had to have relations within the hour or waste another month and several thousands of dollars' worth of medical treatments. Besides, you did have some alone time with dh on the ride to the affair.

OTOH it would have been appropriate to tell the woman you first have to ask dh if it's ok. It's not fair to accept a chessed job for someone else.

There are so many stories out there about people who got a wonderful sachar for putting someone else's needs before their own. One of my favorites is the one about Rabbi Akiva's dd who gave her wedding money to a poor man, and in return was saved from being bitten by a deadly scorpion. Who knows what you and dh were saved from because you did this chessed. A crash, maybe?

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 6:02 pm

I'd imagine if its the norm to get rides by asking, then the lady could have easily found a different ride.

Who comes first - your husband or some random woman? Your husband. Perhaps if you had asked him, he would have agreed to give a ride. Wouldn't you be upset if you went out to eat with your husband and he invited someone he saw to join you for dessert?! It's always a good idea to discuss things first.

33055

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 6:29 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

I would check with my husband first... And if he isn't on board, go back to the woman and apologize with the excuse that he needs to make some confidential phone calls during the car ride.

Why the gratuitous lie? There is no need to explain why not otherwise I agree with your answer. It troubles me how many people liked your answer because they are ok lying when there is no reason to.

zaq

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 6:36 pm

OP, put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine that the stranded woman was you--or better yet, your dd. How would you feel if you knew that someone who had the wherewithal to give your dd a lift refused, simply because she begrudged your dd being a fifth wheel for 20 minutes?

You did the right thing and I have no doubt you will receive sachar for it, all the more so because giving up the alone time with dh was a sacrifice. If your dh was so opposed, he should have helped find another ride for this woman.

b from nj

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 6:50 pm

I agree with Zaq (as I often do) & I think it's not a big deal to give someone a ride home even though it would have been nicer for you to have spent some alone time with your DH. Sometimes, it's just the right thing to do.

That said, I wouldn't sacrifice my family's needs to volunteer for a shul event or what have you but giving another stranded person a ride is simply the mentslich thing to do.

amother

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 6:51 pm

I highly doubt the woman would have been stranded. If there were very few people left at the hall then you should have checked with your husband and explained the situation to him. You cannot choose to do chessed at the expense of another person. But if the wedding was still in full swing there is nothing wrong with asking the woman if she thinks she can find another ride.
My husband and I were once traveling quite a distance to a wedding. Most people were taking a bus provided by the hosts. We were asked to give a ride to a vip type. I responded tht if he'd like to join us in our honeymoon he's welcome to come. We had made arrangements for the children all day in order to be able to go to this wedding. The wedding itself was separate searing so once we got there I wouldn't see DH. I think we were entitled to spend the ride together.
(Anon bc I've told many ppl this story.)

imasinger

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 7:43 pm

I'm torn. On the one hand, I agree with zaq that the opportunity to help a fellow Jew in need is paramount.

On the other hand, chesed begins in the home.

I guess I might have said to DH in an undertone, after agreeing to drive the lady, "I was really looking forward to time alone with you, but I know this is the right thing to do. Let's carve out 20 minutes together sometime before Shabbos to make up for this."

That way, you acknowledge the disappointment, honor the value of his time as driver, and hopefully, minimize the impact.

Sherri

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 8:37 pm

It's a tough situation and I don't know what I would have done, but I get the feeling that people are underestimating the possible value of 20 minutes of alone time in a marriage (especially since OP writes about her husband's tight schedule). It's not about relations or fertility or being a third wheel, it's about a couple and their connection.

amother

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 8:45 pm

Maybe I am selfish but I don't know if I would have given the ride. I definitely would have checked with dh first and if he wasn't on board I would say I am making a couple stops on the way home.

amother

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 8:51 pm

Since this is under manners and etiquette, I will post that I think people relying on others at simchas for a ride home at a very specific time (not earlier arranged) is not fair. It puts unnecessary pressure on people in general and on couples especially. Which couple can't use these precious moments to re-connect during a busy schedule? Of course everyone wants to do a chessed for those who don't drive or need a ride home from this affair and hence there can be a struggle. Obviously there are emergencies, and this particular woman asking for a ride in original post might have had previous plans fall through or whatever, but I think this happens often enough.

little_mage

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 9:07 pm

amother wrote:

This is exactly what I thought when I read the original post. It's irresponsible to not plan your transportation ahead of time, and I say this as someone who does not have a car, and happily accepts rides from others (that being said, I also hate, hate, hate asking, to the point where I once got scolded for being a martyr for walking to the store in the rain). Obviously arrangements can fall through, but I didn't get the sense from OP's post that it had happened to this woman.

Ruchel

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 8:31 am

Husband comes first unless this woman will be stranded. I would definitely ask first. It happened a couple (lol) times to me recently, I told the person openly "I need to ask my husband". Maybe they thought I was a doormat. I don't care. My husband comes first. Including if the kids are there, btw. It's still diff from a stranger. The only time I almost committed before getting an answer, was a woman with a small baby who would have had to walk and take the subway alone in the cold.

lfab

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 9:53 am

little_mage wrote:

This! Either make plans ahead or if it's a real emergency she can always call a cab. Yeah, giving someone a ride is a good thing to do but keeping your shalom bayis is more important. At the very least you should have asked your husband first if he minds. If he said no then no long explanations needed. Just say sorry we can't give you a ride if you'd like though I can lend you my phone to call a cab. If she really had to be home by a certain time she should have prearranged to get a ride with someone not relied on hopefully someone leaving when she needed it.

amother

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 10:25 am

OP here.

I get that I was supposed to ask my dh first. I also said yes straight away cuz 1. I usually always also ask for rides as I said dh is usually too busy to take me and 2. there was no one else outside, it was in the middle of meal... so I kinda thought she has no one else to ask, although dh said she could have called a cab...

chocolate chips

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 10:51 am

I definitely would have asked my dh first.

You yourself mentioned he has a tight schedule so obviously these times alone without kids are precious.

My dh and I often say yes to a lot of people. We are always doing things for others and we hate saying no but sometimes we need to. Family first and marriage before that.
I have said no to a few people for trips (and not short ones only 2hr ones too) because I want to just travel with my family, talk to my dh while the kids sleep in the back.
Apologize to your dh and tell him next time you will ask him first. And tell him you definitely value your time together and you will try remember next time that he comes first.