Dilemma-Do I say yes to chesed and no to husband or opp?

debsey

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 10:59 am

It took me YEARS to develop an allergy to guilt when my people would ask for rides and I really needed time alone with my DH, or he needed time alone with me.
In this week's Mishpacha, Yonason Rosenblum wrote about the "divorce after 40" article (Last week, Mishpacha had a whole feature on couples who wait to divorce till the last child is out of the house, and many people objected) He wrote that there is something to learn from that article, even for someone like him, a happily married "over - 40". He said that we have to be reminded that even healthy marriages need nurturing.
It's SO true. My husband and I have lots of pressures on us. Lots of demands on our time. Some of the demands are lovely (my three year old is delicious! going to a HS graduation is nachas) Some of the demands are less lovely (paperwork. Demanding clients.) Some are unavoidable (aging parents who need help). It makes tons of sense that the marriage can fall by the wayside.
Don't look at it as "saying no to her" look at it as "saying yes to nurturing the marriage."
We get married so that we can pretty much have opportunities for chessed 24/7, so saying yes to your husband's desire for a private chat in the car IS saying yes to chessed.
That being said, this perspective took me YEARS (17 to be precise!) to come to.
debs

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 1:18 pm

amother wrote:

OP here.

I get that I was supposed to ask my dh first. I also said yes straight away cuz 1. I usually always also ask for rides as I said dh is usually too busy to take me and 2. there was no one else outside, it was in the middle of meal... so I kinda thought she has no one else to ask, although dh said she could have called a cab...

If you live somewhere where it's easy to get a cab in a timely and manner at a reasonable cost, I agree with DH. Your time alone isn't less valuable than her few bucks.

I live in Lakewood and getting a cab isn't as simple as a phone call and shelling out a few dollars. So I would give the ride, as other times I might be in that position and be grateful for the same kindness from others. I'd carve out some other time to spend with DH.

It happens to be that whenever we have a wedding/simcha to attend in NY, I try to keep one way free from rides....so nice to get some uninterrupted, uncensored (teenaged DD's!) conversation with DH.

Ruchel

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 3:54 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

No car services in your neck of the woods? thats what most ppl do... getting a free ride is nice, but taxi companies exist...

honestly it can be so prohibitive, and many women aren't comfy in a taxi late at night

amother

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 3:59 pm

OP
Waiting time for a car is roughly 20 min - 30min (if service is not busy) they have to drive out to the hall from our area, and the price is not cheap.
(then I think there is the issue with yichud? alone at night for 20min drive - out of area..?)