Young Marrieds Only Want to Hang with Young

amother

Mon, Jun 23 2014, 12:48 am

Do you think this is true? I have a friend who is a youngish single (24) and she's been noticing for the past several years that young married (w/o kids) couples only want to hang out with each other for Shabbos, Yom Tov meals, etc. Do you find that this is true? Are there places where this isn't true?

Dev80

Mon, Jun 23 2014, 3:53 am

There's no stereotype that fits everyone but as a young married with a few kids I know that my talk inevitably turns to baby talk because that's my life. So if there are 3 couples at the table, two with kids and one without we'll try to talk about neutral topics but the convo steers to baby talk at some point (not if the couple has been married a long time, but a shana rishona couple). If it's just us and a newlywed couple then I definitely do try and find other things to talk about although the other wife is usually interested a little bit in my kids.

But what your friend is saying makes sense - two couples without kids then the wives can go to shul with the husbands if that's done in the community, they can have an uninterupted meal without kids screaming/mother running away to nurse/bedtimes and they can also have outings together if that's done in the community (bowling, a bbq, etc without having to worry about getting home on time for xyz). I have found though that our newlywed friends ask to to come to us for meals and we love having them and they're great with the kids as well (even though that's not expected of them!)

zaq

Mon, Jun 23 2014, 3:17 pm

Most people tend to gravitate to those who are most like them. Empty nesters with empty nesters, golden agers with golden agers, teens with teens, newlyweds with newlyweds, young families with young families. It's only natural to look for people whose lifestyle, concerns and interests are similar to your own. Also, it's uncomofortable and awkward having to avoid topics near and dear to you that may hurt someone in another group. For example, a newlywed wants to gush about her dh and her wedding and the new apt and the gifts and married life in general, all of which may bore a single to tears--in both senses.

Another issue with singles and newlyweds that has been the topic of much discussion here on imamother is singles who behave inappropriately towards their friends' dhs, being excessively lively and talkative and even flirtatious, whether consciously or otherwise. No newly married woman wants to have that happen, be her dh ever so devoted and temimusdik and clueless. It's just not pleasant.

Those who are willing and comfortable socializing across demographic lines are in the minority. I have a few friends of middle age--actually not so "middle" any more, as one of them has to be over 70 by now--who are friendly with everyone, be they 20-somethings or living in retirement homes--and I admire them tremendously. They're not afraid or embarrassed to attend an event knowing they may be the only people there over 25. They want to go, they go and participate. More power to them!

ectomorph

Mon, Jun 23 2014, 3:25 pm

Of course it's true.

There's actually this lady with a few teenage kids who I really like, but it's harder to find time and/or reasons to get together because she's in a totally different stage in life and very busy.

But I'm sure we'll become good friends sometime.

ROFL

Mon, Jun 23 2014, 3:47 pm

At thus point I actually am better at choosing my friends by the people I like.
I have a friend who gut married a bit older but us still ten years younger than me. Her oldest is 15 and my youngest is 20+. But we have much in common and I don't mind talking about homework issues.

chaos

Mon, Jul 21 2014, 8:19 pm

Everyone's different. I'm in the young married no kids category and as a general rule. I dislike hanging out with other young marrieds unless they are people I am friends with, or would be friends with, independently of their relationship status. Other young marrieds always make me I have to compete with them, but I'm insecure and weird. My favorite people to hang out on Shabbat/Yom Tov are singles, young or old (my best friends in my community are singles 12-21+ years older than me), though I also like older couples (20-30 years older) and families with kids, although I admit there are fewer families with kids I'm close to unless the kids are older. I resent that everyone assumes that young married people have so much in common with other young married people solely based on our age and relationship status.