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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Wedding gifts

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shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 7:45 am

A relative of mine recently got married. A very small wedding, maybe 100 people. At the end of the wedding, we were with the chatan's father when he opened the safe where people put the money gifts and his father took them out and gave them to his son later.
The next day the chatan emailed some of the guests to let them know that he thought that some of the money gifts had been stolen. I asked him how he came to that conclusion. He told me that he had a whole spread sheet with the guests that came and the gifts dont even closely add up.
I felt very sad for him. I figured that nothing was stolen but that many people just did not bring gifts.

That got me thinking, do many people do that? Go to weddings and not bring any sort of gift? Not monetary or something of use? This relative of mine was pretty distraught. And understandably so.

Im not saying that each guest had to give them 500 shekels, but some sort of gift? Isnt that just proper wedding etiquette?

groovy1224

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 7:58 am

You know what's worse than not bringing a gift to a wedding? Putting people in an awkward position by emailing them telling them their gift must have been stolen, when you're not 1000% sure that they gave you a check in the first place.

I mean, what are people supposed to say? "Ohh, umm..no..my gift wasn't there because I.. *cough* didn't bring one. It's been a tough year, we weren't able to afford anything.."

And even if they were stolen, what are people supposed to do? If they gave a check, the thief wouldn't be able to use it as it's not made out to his name, and if it's cash...the people are supposed to give again? I don't think so!

Anyway, I know that wasn't your question, but that's just my reaction. To answer your question, not everyone gives gifts at the wedding itself. I'm not in Israel, so maybe it's different by you, but here, some mail a check or send a gift later, since they don't want to burden the chassan and kallah with them to shlep around at the wedding itself. So yeah, if my 'spreadsheet' wasn't adding up, I would not jump to petty larceny.

Edited for typo

Last edited by groovy1224 on Tue, Jun 24 2014, 8:39 am; edited 1 time in total

morah

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 8:19 am

Many people don't give at the wedding- some give later. At least in American culture, the accepted rule is you have up to a year to give a gift. And gifts are never obligatory. It is the right thing to do, but not obligatory. Embarrassing your guests by insinuating someone is a theif (and thereby making it glaringly obvious that some people- who may have good reasons- didn't give) is 1000x more rude than skipping out on the gift. If he were my relative, he could count on NOT getting a baby gift from me!

amother

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 8:50 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

That got me thinking, do many people do that? Go to weddings and not bring any sort of gift? Not monetary or something of use? This relative of mine was pretty distraught. And understandably so.

Im not saying that each guest had to give them 500 shekels, but some sort of gift? Isnt that just proper wedding etiquette?

I don't know how common it is but many people who came to our wedding did not give a gift.

The people who did bring a gift, either monetary or otherwise, left them on a table in the hall (it was a small shul hall, there were fewer than 50 people there) and I did wonder afterwards whether any monetary gifts had been stolen.

I wouldn't dream of contacting anyone insinuating that their gift must have been stolen. My main worry was that someone gave me a gift that they did not receive a thank you note for.

On a slightly different note, one friend and one brother who did not bring gift told me that they had not brought a gift but if I want something I should let them know. I wasn't sure how to take that! I mean, I'm hardly going to say "oh, we haven't got any wine goblets, can you buy me some?"

That friend got married 6 months after me and when I accepted her wedding invitation she kept nudging me to buy a gift. She had a registry at a shop which had some kind of notification system when someone bought one of the items off her list so she could see who had bought and who hadn't. Anyway, every time I spoke to her she would ask me if I'd had a chance to look at her wedding list yet. Closer to the date of the wedding (when we had still not gotten around to buying a gift because we had been moving house) she asked me if we were definitely coming (we had already confirmed immediately that we were.) She then kept asking if we'd bought train tickets yet and booked a hotel. She said she wanted to be sure we were actually coming because if we weren't she wanted to be able to invite another couple. I started imagining that she thought the other couple might bring a better gift...

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 10:35 am

Thank you everyone who answered about my relative even though I was not asking about what he did. I realize that what he did was not nice and not really tactful.

I really just wanted to know if people do come to weddings without gifts? That was my main question here.

oliveoil

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 10:50 am

I think it varies hugely where you live.

In my community people often have 4 or more weddings per week, and they feel burdened just to go. In those cases, they might not give a gift, especially if they just pop in for 15 mins for dancing.

Happy18

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 11:32 am

We got a lot of checks in the RSVP envelopes, some people handed to our parents at the wedding, some people mailed, others brought gifts to the wedding or engagement party, other people bought off our registry and they were shipped to my parents house. People definitely didn't give. Do I know who or even care? Nope. The only time I have ever paid attention to who gave and what they gave is when my parents want to know what to give when that person/couples child gets married.

Kitten

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 11:45 am

Many people don't bring gifts. From my experience, the people who give gifts are the ones who are very close to the chosson and kallah and/or on the rich side.

mille

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 12:04 pm

We got a lot of gifts after the wedding. Things people ordered online at bed bath & beyond shipped directly to us, things people gave to my in-laws at a later date, cards in the mail... It's beyond tacky to insist that gifts were stolen AT THE WEDDING. I know people who don't bring gifts to the wedding because it's a hassle, especially if it's not a check. I usually give gifts after the wedding because I remember it being a hassle to deal with a ton of cards and boxes at the end of the night at my own wedding.

We had some guests not give gifts (I, too, had a spreadsheet -- it's easy to stay organized for thank you cards!). I am not going to judge them or demand a gift. For all I know, maybe they are in a particular financial situation and are embarrassed. Maybe they forgot. Maybe it was a husband-wife miscommunication. Maybe they did give a gift but it got lost somewhere, or I misplaced it, or whatever.

You should have a wedding so you can share your simcha with friends and family, NOT to get gifts.

amother

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 5:53 pm

groovy1224 wrote:

If they gave a check, the thief wouldn't be able to use it as it's not made out to his name,

Totally wrong. Unscrupulous check-cashing outfits and incompetent or lazy bank tellers will cash checks without checking ID or even the name on the check. I not once but twice had IRS refund checks stolen and cashed in check-cashing places, "signed" with the names misspelled. The cashier didn't even bother to see that the "signature" matched the name on the front of the check, much less ask for ID.

The dc of a friend of mine had the gift envelopes stolen from the chassanah, and at least one of the checks was cashed. This wasn't a case of people not giving gifts, it was a definite theft. The baalei hasimcha didn't say please write new checks, they just said you should stop payment. I would hope that no one was foolish enough to give cash and that most people did reissue.

imasoftov

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 6:09 pm

Ruchel

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 5:41 am

Btw sometimes it DOES get stolen.

Raisin

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 6:06 am

I don't think there is anything wrong with what he did. Its not asking for a gift. If he thought there was a possibility of the cheques being stolen people should be informed.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 6:19 am

Most people I know actually prefer not to bring gifts to the wedding, and my married DD implies that it is considered a little tacky to do so.

The baalei simcha and couple have enough else to worry about already.

The nicest way is to order something from the registry well in advance and have it shipped to the preferred address. But people send things afterwards, too.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 6:25 am

imasinger wrote:

great idea but in reality not everyone does a registry, even in america. In israel for sure not.

abound

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 7:01 am

Personally, I would never do a registry and would really try my best that my children should not. It is pretty much asking for a gift, which we teach our kids from toddlers not to do.

Ruchel

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 7:11 am

I love wedding lists. It prevents you from getting ten times the same thing you don't even like or want. People can choose to just give a small sum towards an item, and not the full expensive item. You can put cheap things. People can choose not to give anything, like at the wedding.

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