I rarely get thank-you's for Bar Mitzvah or wedding gifts

Tziril Miriam

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 1:00 pm

I give a range of gifts. For Bar Mitzvahs, usually very nice books, when possible autographed by the author. (Authors are glad to do this if you provide prepaid boxes. Ask them to write "to Dovid in honor of his Bar Mitzvah", or whatever. Usually authors embellish their notes.) I give boxed book sets for weddings, or choose from the registry.
This year I gave a very nice young lady $360 cash in a silverplate decorative box. I gave a new couple 2 place settings from their registry, including utensils, dishes and the extra soup bowls. I could not attend those out-of-town weddings, but RSVP'd appropriately. I haven't received any responses.
A few years ago I phoned a bride's mother to tell her that I had not heard from the girl. I knew the kallah received it, as one of their photos showed my gift on display in their dining room. The mother told me that her daughter was very busy.
I do get very nice thank-you's from non-Jewish people I know from work.
Is not sending a thank you note a frum community thing? After going out of my way to be generous, not hearing from gift recipients is very discouraging.

chocolate chips

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 1:03 pm

I sent over 150 thank you cards after my wedding.
And another 120 after my son was born.

I think it is a certain mentality of not sending thank you notes where as other couples just don't get around to it until 6months later and then think it is too late.

I personally thnk it is rude to not send a thank you note or a phonecall.

MommyZ

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 1:05 pm

You are correct. It would be appropriate to send thank you cards. I have been guilty of not sending thank you notes, and I feel bad now that I am older and more mature. I send gifts, and because I remember how young and immature I was when I got married, I don't expect thank you cards. You have two choices. You can continue sending gifts, and understand that because frum girls get married at fairly young ages they may not send thank you cards, or you can choose not to send gifts. It's up to you.

suzyq

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 1:12 pm

I sometimes get thank you notes and sometimes don't. From both frum and non-frum/non-Jewish people. I don't think it's specific to the frum community - I think some people are just more conscientious than others. They absolutely SHOULD be sending you a thank you note, but there are always excuses.

Happy18

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 1:45 pm

It's so rude not to send them. I seem to remember that it's a year after your wedding when you can send a thank you note. Obviously the sooner the better, but to not send one is incredibly tacky. As a kid I remember sending thank you notes after my birthday party. Someone took the time and spent the money to get you a gift and you can't be bothered to say thank you?

amother

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 1:46 pm

I just found a bag full of thank you cards for gifts when my son was born. He is now 9 months old... I'm not sure why they were not sent out! Should I still send them now? I thought it was better not to send them than to send them so late but this thread got me wondering.... not trying to hijack

Happy18

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 1:52 pm

amother wrote:

Send them. People will be happy to get them.

b from nj

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 1:54 pm

amother wrote:

YES, send them. It's never too late to be a mensch.

That is something I have tried to ingraine into my kids. If someone is nice enough to get you a gift, the least you can do is spend the few minutes to acknowledge their gift. MY DD23 recently got married & all of my friends were amazed at how soon after she got married she sent out her thank yous even though she is very busy working full-time, cooking, shopping etc. I guess I did something right Wink

!

Last edited by b from nj on Tue, Jun 24 2014, 6:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 5:13 pm

I agree that people don't send thank you cards anymore. I very rarely get them but I always try to send them. I find it rude but that's the way it is today. we just made a bar mitzvah and the rule was that my son couldn't open up any gift until he was ready to write the thank you card. it took us a month to get them all done but he didn't get to use the gift until he was ready to say thank you.

Side note - when I ordered his thank you cards they asked if I wanted blank cards or ready made thank you cards where you just fill in the recipient name on top!

zaq

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 5:13 pm

This is a pet peeve of mine. I've learned not to expect TY notes, because chances are slim that I'll get them. Either parents aren't training children that TY notes are a moral imperative, or children have become so self-centered, entitled, and lazy that they ignore their parents' teachings. There is NO acceptable excuse for not thanking someone who gave you a gift, no matter how cheap, useless or downright ugly that gift might be.

Better late than never, amother with the baby. People may dlkz and assume the postal service was to blame for the delay. Anyone who ever made a simcha has had the experience of getting a response card six months after the simcha, postmarked a month before the simcha.

morah

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 5:23 pm

I think it's more a generational thin than a frum thing. Young people the world over are generally derelict (well, not me. I'm a young person who's a crotchety old lady at heart). Personally, if I don't get a note for a wedding gift, I don't bother sending them a baby gift. I will say though, I believe baby gifts deserve more slack on timing than wedding or bar mitzvah. New parents can be expected to be in a mental fog for several months. Newlyweds don't have the same excuse.

Raisin

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 5:26 pm

morah wrote:

wow, I honestly don't keep track of ty notes. Of course, I send them myself, or attempt to, but I could care less if I get them. A verbal thank you is fine with me. Or none. I just assume the person is as flaky as me.

I think with email and fb people are out of the habit of using snail mail.

Happy18

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 5:31 pm

I don't keep track of who sends, but I get really annoyed when I don't know if someone got a gift or not that I sent through the mail. At the very least send an email or text a thank you.

amother

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 5:47 pm

amother wrote:

Side note - when I ordered his thank you cards they asked if I wanted blank cards or ready made thank you cards where you just fill in the recipient name on top!

better to write it personally but I would rather get this then none at all

Happy18

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 5:54 pm

amother wrote:

That's very strange. I am ok with having kids type the notes as long as it is personalized in some way, but pre filled thank you notes are only acceptable for a young child's birthday party.