I rarely get thank-you's for Bar Mitzvah or wedding gifts

amother

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 6:59 pm

not to hijack the thread but I'm curious what people think of thank you phone calls instead of thank you notes -is that ok or do you have to write a thank you card- I just express myself better and am much more effusive verbally.
I did write thank you notes for my wedding don't worry just wondering about for the new mother meals I'm getting now and the baby gifts etc....

b from nj

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 7:03 pm

amother wrote:

I think a phone thank you is better than no thank you but a card is a permanent expression of your gratitude (that is until it lands in the garbage Very Happy

cs1

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 8:16 pm

The day after my wedding I sent out my thabk you cards, so that everyone received it during my sheva brochos. People were shocked when they received it.

I don't get it. Kallahs are not that busy. They could spare 3 hours of a time to thank everyone for their generous gifts.

The same with my sons brissim. Not that I got so many gifts, but I did make sure to send a thabk you card. However, the people that gave me a gift months later, I must confess that I don't think I gave them a card. Hmm.

sweetpotato

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 8:57 pm

I sent out thank you cards for all my wedding gifts. It took me about six months to write them all (over 100, and I wrote long notes to each person and included photos of them from our wedding). I was busy after the wedding, working full time and moving to a new country... but I finished them.

After my baby was born, we received a lot of gifts, and I only managed to send out thank you notes for about half of them. It was a disaster. I was in such a fog for so long after the birth, I lost track of who had given what, couldn't get addresses together, and any time I sat down to write a note the baby would start screaming or some such. It just didn't happen and I gave up.

I still feel ashamed and embarrassed that people might think me ungrateful, but I can't do anything about it now. I now would not expect a thank you note from a baby gift, given the sympathy I have for how hard it is to write the notes after the birth. I think husbands should have to do it.

But overall, it's an important thing to do, and I hope to be better about it in the future.

morah

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 9:24 pm

Raisin wrote:

wow, I honestly don't keep track of ty notes. Of course, I send them myself, or attempt to, but I could care less if I get them. A verbal thank you is fine with me. Or none. I just assume the person is as flaky as me.

I think with email and fb people are out of the habit of using snail mail.

Oh, I certainly don't care whether it's handwritten or emailed, but I want the acknowledgement- to know they got it, appreciate it etc. If people don't have the time to do that, I don't have the time to pick out a gift and send it to them. Although, like I said, I have a lot more patience when it comes to baby gifts, because new parents should spend their downtime resting, and when they are past the point of needing to do that, deal with the thank yous. Bar/bat mitzvah, there is no excuse. I will never forget, I fell a little behind with my bat mitzvah notes, and my mother and grandmother sat me down on a Sunday morning and made me write them all- I was not allowed to do anything else till it was done.

boysrus

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 9:28 pm

sweetpotato wrote:

I think people understand when it comes to baby gifts. Personally, my policy is to call and thank people for baby gifts on the phone. It is easier to make phonecalls when nursing , than it is to write thank you cards, and I think that people generally appreciate the personal touch of the phonecall even more than they would appreciate a thank you card.

amother

Tue, Jun 24 2014, 11:31 pm

My son got a gift for his recent bar mitzvah erev shabbos that was left at the door without a card. He was excited that he didn't have to write a thank you card. I male him write 2 a day.

I also don't give a second gift if the first is unacknowledged. If you don't thank me for a bar/bas mitzvah gift then there will be no chassunah gift from me.

Raisin

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 5:58 am

cs1 wrote:

You don't understand why a new mother may find it difficult? I bh got lots of gifts after each baby but almost no help. No family around either. Some of my babies had colic so I was just holding the baby all evening. Other kids who need food, attention, laundry. I catered my sons brissim.

Yes, if I got a few gifts and lots of help, and it was an easy baby, it would be easier.

I actually feel kind of bad when I get a thank you note from a new mother. I would rather she spent the time resting.

Heyaaa

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 6:12 am

All our gifts were entered into a database and I asked my parents numerous times for the list of gifts and they never gave it to me. So all my in laws friends got the thank you notes but none of my parents friends.... Sad

I still feel guilty about it 2 years later. Now we live in Israel but if they ever give me the list I'll send it out.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 7:31 am

What's the etiquette of sending thank you notes for gifts that are given in person and opened in front of the giver. Obviously the person is thanked at the time, is it proper to send a thank you note as well?

I must admit that for baby gifts, I only sent thank you notes to people who sent me gifts in the mail.

ora_43

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 7:59 am

morah wrote:

If people don't have the time to do that, I don't have the time to pick out a gift and send it to them.

How are those things connected?

If I have time to get a gift, I have time to get a gift,regardless of what the other person's constraints may be.

It's not all about making time. There's also how they were raised, energy, organizational skills, etc - all kinds of things that could make it harder for one person to send thank-yous than for another to send a gift.

Quote:

Bar/bat mitzvah, there is no excuse. I will never forget, I fell a little behind with my bat mitzvah notes, and my mother and grandmother sat me down on a Sunday morning and made me write them all- I was not allowed to do anything else till it was done.

Bar/bat mitzvah has the best excuse. They're only 12 or 13 years old. Nobody gets everything right at that age. And not everybody has grandparents like yours.

ora_43

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 8:04 am

amother wrote:

I also don't give a second gift if the first is unacknowledged. If you don't thank me for a bar/bas mitzvah gift then there will be no chassunah gift from me.

It seems kind of harsh to punish a person in their early 20s (or hopefully at least late teens...) for something their 12-year-old self did. Not giving a baby gift one year after an unrecognized wedding gift I could sort of see (although to be honest it still seems kind of petty to me. but maybe that's just a generational difference - I never get thank you cards), but I think someone who's gone from childhood to adulthood in the interim should get a second chance.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 8:14 am

morah wrote:

I think it's more a generational thin than a frum thing. Young people the world over are generally derelict (well, not me. I'm a young person who's a crotchety old lady at heart). Personally, if I don't get a note for a wedding gift, I don't bother sending them a baby gift. I will say though, I believe baby gifts deserve more slack on timing than wedding or bar mitzvah. New parents can be expected to be in a mental fog for several months. Newlyweds don't have the same excuse.

I'm actually expecting it to be the opposite. I embarrassingly enough never finished my wedding thank you cards and quite frankly I'm scared sending them now will have people thinking I just want a baby gift. I went back to work crazy hours right after my wedding and while I started on a good foot and got about half of mine done (dh took care of his side and his are all done). It stopped when I had to go back and look at video to see who was there (I included thank you for attending wedding in cards of people who came). I never have vacation...the most is a day between long shifts and leaving house at the crack of dawn and getting home late evening. I know it's still unexcusable but after baby I'll be home all day and I think it will be easier.

etky

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 9:07 am

We davka do get thank you notes from many of the Anglo bar/bat mitzvah kids and couples whose simchas we attend and from some Israeli ones, though often these are of the pre-formated fill in the name type (hate those).
To this day I cringe about the fact that there were some thank you's that I didn't get out after my wedding though DH did all of his. To make up for it I made sure that each and every baby gift I ever received was acknowledged with a substantial note.
DH and I also made each of our kids sit down and write notes for every bar/bat mitzva gift that they received. It was tough for them and they complained plenty, even though we helped them with spelling and content, but it was also an opportunity to learn middot and social graces and also to practice writing skills in Hebrew and English. It was also a chance for us to tell them about certain family members and friends, especially those in the States who they have never met but who had sent gifts (and who no doubt expected a thank you note). Altogether a very worthwhile endeavor. I would hope that when they get married iy"h they are motivated enough to send out thank yous.
OTOH I have to say that I really don't keep track to see if I got a note or not and I'm not insulted if I do realize at some point that I never got one. This is after all Israel and social conventions do vary and people tend to be more casual about everything. It was/is much more important for me to know that I and my kids had written them then it is for me to receive an acknowledgement.

morah

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 10:25 am

ora, come on, you know I didn't mean that literally. Sure, I CAN make the time, but I'm less inclined to do so for someone who couldn't take a minute to drop me an email. I agree that a 12 or 13 year old cannot be expected to do it on their own. I blame the parents there. Believe me, these parents make sure their kids get their homework done, it shouldn't be a stretch to make them write their thank you notes too.

To the amother who thinks it's going to be easy after a baby: yes, you're home all day "only" taking care of the baby. A baby is a big job. It is physically and emotionally exhausting, even if it's an easy-going baby. Any time not taking care of the baby is going to likely be spent eating, sleeping, or showering.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 11:36 am

morah wrote:

I personally am negligent in that area. I still try to send out thank you cards and make sure by kids do so, but there must have been times I forgot some. Some people ARE scatterbrained (or ADD).