I rarely get thank-you's for Bar Mitzvah or wedding gifts

Dina_B613

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 12:38 pm

If I have time to cash your check and use your gift, I have time to write you a thank-you note - that's how I look at it. Ex's cousin sent a thank you note 9 MONTHS after her wedding - which was nothing compared to the rest of them who never sent TY's. So rude.

causemommysaid

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 12:56 pm

I wrote thank you notes for wedding and baby gifts. It took a few months to get them out but they did get sent.

It was kind of annoying when people called my mother or grandmother asking for a thank you note.

I had moved out of town, all my stuff were in boxes, half my gifts were still sitting in NY cause no one gave them to me yet and I hadn't had time to go get them, I was working full time and pregnant. Really. Stop keeping tabs. I'll send a note when my pregnant exhausted self is unpacked and actually has all the gifts and knows who to send the thank you note to.

its tacky not to send a thank you but its also tacky to call wondering when your going to get a thank you.

causemommysaid

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 1:00 pm

oh and a few of my notes came back undeliverable and I couldn't track down where to resend them to.

I got one lady who called my mother all upset that I didn't send a note even though I tried to send it twice.

Maybe next time have the proper address on the envelope/check. Oh and make sure your phone number works and that you are listed in the white pages if getting thank you notes are so important

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 1:32 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

You sound a childish when you say "no one gave them to me yet." What does that have to do with anything? The giver gave them to you. Is the giver also supposed to move then for you also? No wonder they called your mother and grandmother. They know what you are like.

You should have opened your gifts and made a list as each item was given. I never heard of anything this irresponsible.

Why do recipients think it is an acceptable excuse that they have add or are unorganized or pregnant?

I tell my children they must acknowledge every gift they get. If they don't acknowledge them then they don't deserve them.

I am the amother who doesn't give another gift after the first one is not acknowledged.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 1:35 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

Wow! I presume you worked with an invitation list. Why didn't you use that one. I never put my return address on a gift. The send time the note came back, you should have called your mom for the correct address.

causemommysaid

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 1:56 pm

amother wrote:

I dont understand what you are saying. they were dropped off at my mothers house after I moved out of town. my mother left them for me on the side until I came to get them. I didn't even know they were there.

how can I open gifts when I am hundreds of miles away? As I said before the thank you notes were send. it took a few months to get out and it was annoying to get calls from people I didn't even know sent gifts.

also please read the rules of imamother. you are not allowed to insult people anonymously "They know what you are like" is a direct insult to my character which you know nothing about.

(being exhausted and pregnant is a reason not to travel hundreds of miles to figure out thank you notes.)

causemommysaid

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 2:04 pm

amother wrote:

of course I used the guest list. still came back. my mother had the same address that I had. Apparently a couple people moved in the interim or had summer homes etc and the mail wasn't being forwarded.

after a certain point we gave up- especially on the gifts that were not labeled.

Did I mention that someone called for a thank you note for a cash gift handed to my brother in the middle of dancing? he had no idea who it was and there was no name listed.

I sent out about 150 thank you cards. about 10 came back. I managed to get about half resent. the remainder I gave up on. yup I guess that makes me a ingrate with no middos Confused

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 2:57 pm

Wow I didn't realize people take these things so seriously! One person asked my grandparents about thank you card during sheva brachos (I was traveling all over for sheva brachos and was newly married and hadn't gotten to them yet! They had sent a check with someone else to the wedding). I made sure to get that one out right away (even though I was kind of annoyed this was the first ever family simcha they were missing). Of the ones that I did get sent out some were sent back and people told me not to worry about sending cards. I still have a bunch that were never sent that I'm hoping to work on tomorrow even though I feel weird sending them now (I'm the amother who is due soon and don't want people thinking I'm sending it to encourage future gifts).
My brother had one interesting response to his thank you card. He sent card saying "Thanks so much for your lovely gift" and the person called his mother in law complaining that he didn't use the word generous instead. You can never win with some people!

chocolate chips

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 3:00 pm

My mother got a phone call from her aunt a few weeks after our wedding asking if we got the check she sent since we hadn't cashed it and she never received a thank you card. Well we never got it.
She sent another one and we sent her a thank you card.

A year later my father took out his bekeshe to wear for pesach (he bought new one for wedding and had worn his old one since) and in the pocket was.....the check!! LOL

But yes I can understand peoplecalling to 'check up' on the gift they gave.
And I like that saying "if you have time to cash the check you have time to write the card".

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 3:00 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

You are old enough to get married. You are old enough to organize your own thank yous. Your mother is not responsible to get your presents to you.

You could have figured something out like asking a sibling to open the gifts and send you a picture.

I find that you are annoyed at people who are concerned that you might not have received the gifts you said were put on the side strange since you said you didn't even know that you received them. I am not so concerned about the time it took you to get out the thank you cards, I am more concerned with your attitude.

suzyq

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 3:17 pm

amother wrote:

I LOVE the people who put a return address on their gifts! It makes it that much easier to write them thank you notes. In fact, those are the people who I write thank you notes to first, since I don't have to bother looking up their addresses. (I have torn off return address labels or saved the envelopes that had the return addresses on them to save myself that work.)

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 3:23 pm

amother wrote:

Sometimes gifts are lost and not known about. My FIL found a check when cleaning for Pesach a year after my wedding. Had that person been upset they didn't get a thank you card they clearly didn't show it. Embarassingly enough, FIL emailed him and he sent us another check a couple weeks ago. No we need to send him thank you card.

Ruchel

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 3:29 pm

Some take the "etiquette" EXTREMELY seriously.
My mom's uncle got a card instead of a phone call for my son's birth and was broiges well, until close to the birth of the following baby... we made sure to CALL.

Very annoying when people don't leave a card in the gift. Unless they're gifting something so huge and want the full mitzva of anonymity??!

invisiblecircus

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 5:25 pm

I received some gifts at Sheva Brachot that I did not write thank you notes for.

The organisers of the SB had invited some people I didn't know. Of course we were introduced at the start of the evening but there was no way I could remember everyone's names to be able to call the host and ask for addresses if there was no label on the gift. I open all the gifts in front of the giver and thanked them, but that was as much as I could do.

Raisin

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 6:15 pm

Great idea! next time I give a gift it will be anonymously so they don't have to worry about thank you cards.

I think it is so contrived - no one under the age of 50 communicates by post anymore. Everyone emails, phones or texts. Yet thank you cards are somehow "better" when handwritten and posted. I would much rather a heartfelt spontaneous text or phonecall.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 6:41 pm

I made sure my kids wrote TY notes for gifts from the time they learned how to write. Bar/Bat Mitzvah I more or less sat on them till they wrote. By wedding time, though, I felt I'd done my part and now the achrayus was theirs.

I don't really know if they thanked everyone but suspect not. In fact I wonder if they thanked anyone. For some reason when we got married people people reported to our moms what nice TY notes we sent them, but nobody told us any such thing about our dc. On the contrary, we were embarrassed, disappointed and angry with dc when a close relative asked if they received the wedding gift she had sent several months before. It was delivered to us and we gave it directly to dc so they definitely received it and in fact dc remarked at the time "oh, we can definitely use this".

We try not to be annoyed at people whose children don't send us thank-you notes and hope people extend us the same consideration. You do your best bringing up your children, but if upon reaching adulthood they reject or ignore your teaching, there's nothing you can do. There comes a point at which you're no longer responsible for their behavior and you have to let them do as they wish, whether you approve or not.

causemommysaid

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 9:29 pm

amother wrote:

so basically I need to stand guard at my parents house for at least 6 months after my wedding on the off chance that someone will drop by with a gift.

or if thats impractical I should be sure to grill my mother once a week as to the gift situation in her basement.

the people I am referring to are not worried that I didn't get their check. They are calling in anger that I didnt send a thank you immediately for the foot massager or martini sticks (I kid you not) my mother left in the basement and forgot to tell me about. yeah thats annoying

either way we both have a point. its rude not to send thank you notes and its rude to call and check if you are gonna get a thank you note.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 10:18 pm

cs1 wrote:

The day after my wedding I sent out my thabk you cards, so that everyone received it during my sheva brochos. People were shocked when they received it.

I don't get it. Kallahs are not that busy. They could spare 3 hours of a time to thank everyone for their generous gifts.

The same with my sons brissim. Not that I got so many gifts, but I did make sure to send a thabk you card. However, the people that gave me a gift months later, I must confess that I don't think I gave them a card. Hmm.

Really? Can I tell you what the first few months of my marriage were like? By the time we settled into our apartment 2+ weeks after Sheva Brachos (because of lack of power...thank you Hurricane Sandy), we had lived through both a hurricane and the death of dh's grandfather. Our apartment was full of boxes, nothing was Toveled, and I was making Shabbos many weeks (no parents nearby to go to). I was also catching up on the schoolwork that I missed because of our wedding, and by the time I was caught up I was up to midterms and then finals. I also got pregnant right away B"H and was dealing with that! At some point I was working 6 day workweeks. I also had about 200 thank you notes to send out (I am the daughter of a community figure and we had a large wedding). I did as many as I could before we got married, but it still took me over 9 months and honestly I never finished them.

So yes, Kallahs could indeed be very busy!

Anon cuz my story is unique!