How do you cope when dh suffers from depression

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 4:59 pm

My husband has been showing signs of depression for a few years, at times very serious and others less so (but still present). He's really struggled with parnossah and this makes it worse. I struggle with watching someone I love with so much potential be SO down on himself. He goes irregularly to therapy (because of $) and medication helps to some extent but there are days when he is really, really depressed.

My therapists says I can't force him to take care of himself (go to therapy, exercise, change his thinking patterns), and I agree. If you have gone through a similar situation, or are currently like me, I'd like to hear how you get through the weeks and months of very dim hope.

So, really, I am looking for advice for me, not for my husband. And chizuk, hoping there are mothers who have been able to hang in there. We are very blessed in so many ways B'H. Depression is the pits!!!

Thank you in advance for any words of encouragement or advice for me and other imas in a similar situation. I appreciate it very much.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 5:12 pm

My husband suffers from clinical depression and bipolar every day of his life. It is beyond the pits.
How do I cope? I am part of a support group for wives of mentally ill husbands. Without that, I would not be married.
How do I cope? By going to marriage counseling with my husband.
How do I cope? By knowing that the things that my husband does or does not do are not reflective of who he really is, that it is the illness wreaking havoc on our lives.
How do I cope? By sometimes putting up a wall so that the depression that my husband is feeling does not seep inside me and bring me down as well.
And how do I cope? By making sure that I take care of me all of the time. No matter what that means.

I know how it is OP. Life is very hard with a husband with depression. My husband is never happy, never. Its awful, but when I came to finally understand that I am not to blame and on the other side of that coin, I can not help him get out of it either, that helped me a lot.
Depression is nodody's fault, remember that. Its an illness that has to be treated correctly. HUGS!

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 5:14 pm

[quote="amother"]My husband has been showing signs of depression for a few years, at times very serious and others less so (but still present). He's really struggled with parnossah and this makes it worse. I struggle with watching someone I love with so much potential be SO down on himself. He goes irregularly to therapy (because of $) and medication helps to some extent but there are days when he is really, really depressed.

My therapists says I can't force him to take care of himself (go to therapy, exercise, change his thinking patterns), and I agree. If you have gone through a similar situation, or are currently like me, I'd like to hear how you get through the weeks and months of very dim hope.

So, really, I am looking for advice for me, not for my husband. And chizuk, hoping there are mothers who have been able to hang in there. We are very blessed in so many ways B'H. Depression is the pits!!!

Thank you in advance for any words of encouragement or advice for me and other imas in a similar situation. I appreciate it very much.[/quote]

keep on reminding yourself that its not your problem. that he does. just try to be positive around him. I know I have issues with depression and that helps also dont be around him during the day if you can help it . I understand thats not the best advice but if you can try it will help al little and give him honest compliments when they learn and understand that depression is something he does have some control over he will feel better. I know it that depression is somewhat in our control and somewhat not. even though doctores tell you its not that way beleive me I have alot of expereince in this. and so des dh. try very hardd to focus on the ppositive bec depressed pp also tend to be negative. refuah sheleima.

Frumdoc

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 6:02 pm

There are online free websites which provide some mindfulness/ self help material for both depression and anxiety, such as mind gym or others, google them.

If he is serious about trying to change, these are a good start to work on. He will need lots and lots of encouragement, depressed people and depression can be very draining on the partner and families.

A good book for understanding the issues is a comic style book called "The black dog" by an Australian named Matthew Johnstone, who has written/ drawn several books about depression and living with someone with depression, based on his own experiences, the books are available on Amazon. He also has a website pointing to various self help resources.

I have used the books multiple times to help friends/ families/ others come to terms with or identity issues relating to depression and find them enormously useful in normalising the experience for people who are terrified or feel helpless.

There is an awful lot of free help available online if you look for it.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 6:15 pm

I feel for you op my husband is depressed and refuses to do anything about it. He feels he is fine and I have the problem. He has health issues that he refuses to address he is always in bed he has not worked a full week in years. I have tried to get him to get up and go to gym but he says it. Is too hard.
I finally realized that I can't help him if he won't first help himself so I decided I have to make a life of my own without him. No this is not the marriage I wanted but there is nothing left for me to do. I have a wonderful circle of friends I go out with, go on vacation with a friend and I leave him behind.
I wish you a lot of strength to keep going on.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 9:12 pm

Thank you very much for your responses! It is comforting to know I am not alone. I know a lot of people live with a sick spouse, one illness or another. I love our family, and it hurts to think the only way out is to end the marriage - which I don't want to do.

I have been working hard on myself in therapy, and taking steps to improve my own life and take care of myself. But I really haven't found a replacement for a nurturing and safe relationship with my husband. Our lives revolve around how he feels. So, like you said, I have my own interests and friends - I can overlook the depression a lot, but sometimes - like on a particularly bad day when I have to pick up the slack because he can't even get out of bed - it's hard. I get very resentful. I think he owes it to himself and our family to be serious about getting treatment. Am I wrong?

Thanks again! I feel so supported here. Thank you Heart

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 10:48 pm

I know this is not for those with serious issues and that depression and bipolar are real (my dh uncle has bipolar)
But just to put this out there for those with"mild depression"
Get your blood work checked.

I was putting myself down and really upset about my life in many ways (not full blown depression, but getting there) and I found out I am very low on vitamin b12, I am now getting b12 shots and the change is dramatic.

amother

Wed, Jun 25 2014, 11:05 pm

actually, amother, what you say about B12 is legit for anyone. I used to take B complex and noticed a difference. Just that the kosher ones I got had a funny smell, and I ended up not being able to stand that in the end!

I think my dh takes a vitamin with his depression med. I'll ask what it is. But, you make a good point, for mild and serious depression, it can make a difference. Thank you very much for the reminder!

chani8

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 6:18 am

For depression, the book by Dr Burns called, The Feeling Good Book (or Handbook), is an excellent, often life changing, resource. I gave it to my teens to read, two of them read it, and they both agreed it was very helpful. This book may be helpful for both of you, btw, not just for someone with depression. It's based on cognitive psychology.

That said, I just want to send you support and empathy. We can't save other people. They have to find their own internal strength. We can only encourage and maybe push a little.

It is torturous, though, to stand back and watch a loved one fail. And when depression affects parnossoh, it's pretty much terrifying.

I just caught that part you said about his not being able to get out of bed. That's pretty serious stuff. Is he a survivor of s-xual abuse? Physical abuse? Head injury? Where does he think this depression comes from?

amother

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 6:43 am

Quote:

Op sometimes I wonder if my dh is bipolar because he has these really happy days (not jumpy, just happy) and the next day he can not be able to get out of bed and is super beyond depressed and he'll start telling me that he's the worst person in the world and hopeless....
I try to daven but I'm usually too sad seeing him that way. I don't have advice but hugs I know it's so painful.

I have the same thing

I think my dh is trying to be happy but fighting a very hard battle

I feel bad for him but it's also so hard to be the spouse

amother

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 11:12 am

I have been married for many years and my husband has been bipolar for a large portion of that time. Despite the challenges, we have managed to have a good life together and raise a family of thriving children and grandchildren. I want to say a few important things:
1) depression can be a fatal disease. Something like 20% of people with depression commit suicide. It is very important that you insist that your husband remain under the care of a doctor. You and he cannot deal with this alone.
2) There are lots of medications that help depression, sometimes dramatically for the better. If his current medication is not working, switch until you find one that does. Only a psychiatrist or other M.D. (not a counselor or psychologist) can prescribe medications. Major depression or bipolar has a chemical basis and changing the body's chemistry can help control it. Your husband may feel sluggish or sedated when he first take the medications or he may have side effects. Please make sure he doesn't stop. These effects usually go away after a few weeks.
3) You should aim to keep your husband working and maintaining a normal routine, if at all possible. It is not a favor to him to let him withdraw, even though it will be hard for him to put on a public face.
4)It is important for you to keep perspective and not become isolated in his depressed world. So seeing your friends and getting out socially is really important for you. You also need to let your husband know that while things look very bleak to him, that is his depression talking (I.e. be a reality check for him). His depression will influence the decisions he makes and you will need to take a greater hand in decision making than you might otherwise.
4) Depending on the age of your children, you should explain to them in a way that they can understand that their abba is not rejecting them or ignoring them and that he still loves them even though he is feeling sad right now.
5) Your husband's depression is nothing for you to be ashamed about. Don't hide. Share your problems and concerns with your rav, with other trustworthy people and supportive family--don't act like you have a shameful secret. If you treat this in a matter of fact way, others will too. This is an illness, not a curse.
Hope this helps.

amother

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:14 pm

I appreciate all of your comments and support. It really means more to me than you would know. I would like to keep this thread about us, the wives, and not about our husbands. There is another board where people can talk about depression of loved ones. One of my problems is that dh's depression (symptoms, negative things that happen because of it, and what to do about it) are omnipresent in my life, and I am suffocating from it. There is no end to the support available for people with depression. I reached out to you because I needed my own support.

Please let me know if you would be interested in joining a closed group for wives of dh's with depression. The purpose of the group would be chizuk, and the main people we would be concerned about would be ourselves.

It's a forum where I could write "There are days I just want to leave him and make a new life, and then something will happen that I'll realize this is the man I love deeply, as do our children. I don't want to break up our family. I feel like I have no good solution."

That's how I'm feeling today. DH is depressed, acting exhausted, flakey, unreliable, and self-absorbed since he woke up. Maybe tomorrow will be different. It's like living on a roller coaster.

Thank you again - I appreciate you.