Marry a Man You Do Not Love

dimyona

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 4:37 pm

I received permission from the author to post this. I found this to be a really powerful piece of writing, and I thought that some members here would appreciate it.

Stay

By Shaindy Urman

Marry a man you do not love. Hear about him from your great-aunt Faiga, and then from your great-aunt Shprintza. Nod politely as they gush about his middos. Smile graciously as they rave about his learning. Agree respectfully that he will, indeed, be the next gadol hador.

Concede to their pleas to meet him just once. Put on your Shabbos suit – the navy one, not the black. Blow-dry your hair in front of the mirror. Apply a small amount of pale pink lipstick and some blush. No eye makeup. Slip into your navy 2” heels with the large hideous bow. Walk down the stairs. Groan inwardly when you see him, shifting uncomfortably in the straight back chair.

Smile thinly as you settle across from him at the dining room table. Fight the urge to roll your eyes when he stammers and stutters. Search his face for some sign of life, for a semblance of drive or depth. Find none. Answer his questions with brief one-syllable responses. Breathe a sigh of relief when he gets up to go.

Meet him again one week later. Tell yourself he is a nice boy, that he has a good heart. Get into the small rented car and let him drive you to a hotel lobby. Sip your diet Coke and force yourself to laugh at his awkward jokes. Feign interest in his stories.

Lie in bed that night and re-live the ineptness. Realize that you are already 20 years old, and time is slithering away. Persuade yourself that he will make a good husband and father to your future children. Concede with your family that he is, by far, the most learned bochur in yeshiva and that he is destined for greatness. Ignore your heart, your stupid ignorant heart. Swallow the words earnestly struggling to leave your lips, and heed your aunts’ words instead.

Call your friends and cover your ears as they shriek in excitement. Find a dress at Loehmann’s, a black one. Try on matching 2” heels with a large hideous bow. Accept the flower arrangement delivered to your door. Watch your mother and his break the plate. Smile for the cameras. Feign excitement when he presents you with the small diamond ring. Don’t think, just smile.

Dance at your wedding. Kick off your shoes and hike up your dress and jump around like a drunken monkey, so that maybe your heart, your stupid ignorant heart, will feel as happy as everybody else. Have a drink at the bar. Have another three.

Close your eyes that night as he climbs into your bed. Keep them closed as he fumbles with your nightgown. Squeeze them tighter as he touches your body for the very first time. Open them only when you are sure that the stranger you don’t love is safely asleep in his own bed across the room.

Settle into a familiar routine. Pack tuna sandwiches and fruit. Teach at your old school. Try to include vegetables at dinner. Get pregnant. Have a baby. Have nine more. Go to the country every summer and gossip with the ladies. Express shock when you hear about Ruchie and how one day, she just picked herself up, took off her wig and went to live in Manhattan with her non jewish boyfriend. Push back that annoying twinge of jealousy to the far recesses of your mind.

Let the days blur together and the sleepless nights pass by. Change diapers. Cook dinner. Get burned out from teaching. Get another job, not a career. Make Pesach. Make a wedding. Make nine more. Let 30 years fly by in a frantic race against the clock. Disregard your longing for more. Ignore your heart, your stupid, ignorant heart.

Look at your husband and cringe inwardly. Build a home with him, and a family, but never love him. Try to love him. Fail miserably. Reach 60 and realize you are married to a stranger. Cry for lost time, and for what could have been. Cry because you married a man you do not love.

Do these things, because he is the next gadol hador. Do these things, because the community will gossip if you break off a shidduch. Do these things, because you were taught that love comes after marriage, and not before.

For these reasons, marry a man you do not love. Keep shmutz romance novels stashed behind some old clothes in your bottom dresser drawer. Dream about a relationship in which your husband is your best friend. Fantasize about actually enjoying your life spent wiith somebody you have feelings for. But whatever you do, do not leave. Stay for the community, stay for the family, stay for the next gadol hador. Don’t marry a man you actually love.

November

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:37 pm

Pretty pathetic. Sounds like a Naomi Regan novel to me.

abound

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:40 pm

What did you find powerful about it? I found the writing on an elementary grade level and no message.
Pretty stupid piece.

allthingsblue

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:40 pm

Maybe I'm missing the point, but I married a man I met through the shidduch system and I am very much in love with him!

sequoia

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:42 pm

Wanna trade? Exploding anger

dancingqueen

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:49 pm

That was sad Sad

MaBelleVie

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:51 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Maybe I'm missing the point, but I married a man I met through the shidduch system and I am very much in love with him!

I think the point is that she was poorly guided.

Raisin

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 5:56 pm

Its a sad piece but many people who start off like this end up happy...and many who marry the man of their dreams and are head over heels in love end up unhappy.

But yes, I agree there should be attraction.

exaustedmom

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 6:24 pm

I found this piece very very sad.

Sugar plum

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 6:31 pm

There is a difference between marrying a man you do not love and marrying a man you do not like.
Love CAN come after marriage, but you need some foundation to build it on.

dimyona

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 8:06 pm

This isn't a rant against shidduch dating; I know countless couples with very meaningful relationships that met through that system. This is simply an unfortunate woman's raw personal expression, and I think it's about being true to yourself, and not letting society's expectations guide your life in whichever circle that might be.

Please don't take this as a militant attack against anyone's values.

chayamiriam

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 9:21 pm

Sounds too close to home but Baruch hasem not 10 kids!

bruriyah

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 10:46 pm

I found it very poignant. Simple and expressive. Yes, the author is expressing HER particular experience; she doesn't seem to be bashing anyone.

Personally, I think just liking someone before marriage is not enough. There needs to be the beginning of love before - more than just a casual liking. The risk is too great - what if you never get past casual liking after marriage?

I know some of you will jump at me and quote what is says about yitzchok - that he married Rivka and then loved her.

But there's also Yakov who loved Rachel before he married her.

Bitachon101

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 11:13 pm

Oh man! That really not cool!
I could see it happening to so many naïve ppl I know. But its not the majority.
Not sure why she had such a hard time saying No! But nobody wants to be the girl that never got married. I had a shadchan try to push me to continue going out and said that I'd kick my self when I'm old gray and single that I didn't marry this really good boy cuz I just didn't feel like he was for me. I envisioned in the future a life similar to the author's and went NUTS! The guy wanted to propose to me and I told him I'm not ready (even tho my parents came in!) And then I thought about it and LISTENED to my heart and said No!. I apologized to everyone, I had to clear the bad feelings with the guy, and I moved on.
It was the best decision I ever made...
I see couples and wonder how many of them married just cuz they were expected to get married but don't have love.
I can't say my shalom bayis is the perfect model but there is love in my marriage (just sometimes need to remind the dh ;p )
But its not dead stranger poppin out babies out of the machinery.
Wish the high schools and sems and Parents gave proper values and guidance for marriage and dropped the externals thing.

allthingsblue

Thu, Jun 26 2014, 11:47 pm

bruriyah wrote:

I think There's different levels of love. First comes the "like" sort of love, in which you like the personality, there's chemistry, etc. Then, after you're married for a bit, you start developing "love" love, in which you would do ANYTHING for the other person, and he really becomes a part of you. But that can't happen until you're married and you begin giving and sharing with him. Until then, it's just Like-love.

proudema

Fri, Jun 27 2014, 12:02 am

I found this to be quite sad because there is much she could have done to add to her marriage. She just expects to have feelings for him with no effort on her part. Once she made the decision to marry him she should have put her all into the marriage. Maybe she did, but she doesn't write that she did so we don't know that. It seems to me she expected "Schmutz" novel romance instead of a real marriage that requires hard work.

zaq

Fri, Jun 27 2014, 12:15 am

bruriyah wrote:

I found it very poignant. Simple and expressive. Yes, the author is expressing HER particular experience; she doesn't seem to be bashing anyone.

.

I agree. The plain style and staccato rhythm underscore how dead she feels. So terribly sad.

naturalmom5

Fri, Jun 27 2014, 12:29 am

But do you love me
Do I what Tevye your drunk
For 25 years I fought with him starved with him
If that's not love
I don't know what is

sequoia

Fri, Jun 27 2014, 12:31 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

But do you love me
Do I what Tevye your drunk
For 25 years I fought with him starved with him
If that's not love
I don't know what is

"Then you love me!"
"I suppose I do!"
"And I suppose I love you too!"

It doesn't change a thing, but even so
After 25 years it's nice to know!

ohnuts!

Fri, Jun 27 2014, 2:57 am

[quote="allthingsblue"]Maybe I'm missing the point, but I married a man I met through the shidduch system and I am very much in love with him![/quotte

Same here. First we had a "Shana rishona" love then it evolved into a deeper meaningful relationship, the more we gave of ourselves