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Furious at inlaws continued...
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:20 pm
I'm the poster from the "furious at my inlaws" I guess I resent my in-laws attitude towards us. They are always willing to extend themselves and get involved in various financial projects, always willing to contribute financially to all kinds of causes. When a meshulach comes in from israel my FIL will give him post dated checks since he won't be back for another year. The bottom line is that while my husband and I have certain halachic obligations in terms of honoring him, (that we will honor) respect is a whole different ballgame. Respect is about how I we feel about him and I can't help the way I feel. The bottom line is that I don't respect (in my heart) a man who has plenty of money, is extremely generous to dozens of causes/strangers, but won't help his own son on any level financially. I challenge all mothers on this thread to honestly say that if ,say when they r 50 years old and have plenty of money, that they wouldn't help their kids with anything financially. Anybody feel that way? Anybody? That includes housing, tuition, camps clothes ect. In normal parents it is in their nature to want to help their kids. I simply can't respect a man who puts his own family last.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:28 pm
Are you the OP? You haven't clarified on what level you struggle financially. When there are limited resources, funds should be allocated based on need.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:31 pm
Thankfully, I would say we r doing OK financially. That being said we don't have enough money for a down payment.
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momX4




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:36 pm
does your DH have married siblings, or is he the oldest?
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:42 pm
amother wrote:
Thankfully, I would say we r doing OK financially. That being said we don't have enough money for a down payment.

Most people do it the old fashioned way, and take a few years to save up towards a down payment. We missed out on a house that we wanted a few years ago because we didn't have the money for a down payment. That's life.

For our own children, our vision for the future right now is to help the kids get on their feet by paying for college and/or helping them set up a business, but we won't be handing over big money for down payments or luxuries. I would imagine that if things don't work out and our children have difficulty feeding their kids we would surely help out, but we don't believe in spoiling grown adults just because they are our kids.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:46 pm
You asked for it, you got it. I'm in my late 50s and my financial priority right now is to save for my retirement. I've done my part bringing up my dc and financing their education, hopefully teaching them fiscal responsibility, and now it's time for me to look out for my future. My parents didn't give me money for a down payment and I wouldn't have dreamed of asking them to. I don't own a house, and have no intention of giving my children money for a down payment should they wish to buy a house. The day they got married and moved out was the day my financial obligations to them ended. Oh, I'll give them a small check for Chanukkah, b-day, anniversary, a generous check for getting married or having a baby, but that's because I'm terrible at choosing gifts and would prefer they buy what they like with money I give them than have to return something or be stuck with something they don't need or want.

Your attitude stinks and if you were my dc I'd be asking myself where did I go wrong bringing you up to have such a sense of entitlement. You're not the amother who sometimes doesn't have money for diapers--you're a double-income couple making decent money and either don't want to wait to save enough for a down payment or don't want to decimate your own savings to make the down payment. Too bad. Making tough decisions, long-range planning and deferring gratification is what being a grownup is all about.

If your notion of respect is tied to whether or not someone gives you money to which you have zero claim, well, I'm just speechless. This will come back to bite you, you know. Your children will pick up your attitude and you'll regret it very much when they decide that you're their cash cow and will accord you respect only so long as the udders flow in their direction.

You don't realize it, but your inlaws are doing you a favor. At the moment you're an immature, spoiled, selfish and self-centered patchetch who thinks her inlaws owe her a living. In a few years, after you and dh have saved up enough for a down payment and bought a house all by yourselves without help, you might--maybe--hopefully--G-d willing--have become a mensch.
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SplitPea




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 5:47 pm
Your Inlaws give tzdaka.

Would you accept tzdaka for a down payment? Are you saying you buying a house is an equal cause to helping fund a yeshiva? Marrying off an orphan? Helping a mom pay for surgery?

I think you are spoiled and entitled and need to learn the def of charity. Because if you believe you DESERVE charity like all the causes your FIL gives to then start going door to door asking yourself!

Also have your considered that possibly FIL gives to institutions like he does because he needs the tax credit?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:05 pm
OP, if you started a new thread in the hopes of roping in some support for your position after getting overwhelmingly negative responses on your initial thread, your ploy won't work.

One imamother could be wrong. Two imamothers could be wrong. Even three. But when amother after amother, of all ages and stages, weigh in against you, it behooves you to pay some serious attention. It's not pleasant to be told off, but neither are many other things that are to your own benefit in the long run.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:06 pm
op here, my dh has younger siblings who r not married. To the woman in her late 50's, u missed my point. It sounds like u don't have much extra money to help ur kids. Perhaps if u did, u would help them. My FIL is worth a few million, owns real estate and donates thousands of dollars to various causes. If u had say, 5 million in the bank, are u honestly saying u wouldn't give ur own child a little help with a down payment?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:13 pm
Did you realize that if your fil helps you with a down payment he'll then be 'obligated' to pay for your dh's younger siblings too?? What if he doesn't want to get himself into that situation?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:20 pm
Another poster here. I read the first few posts of your other thread, but didn't post. I agree with that it's frustrating that you feel they give everyone else, but not you. B'h it sounds like you don't need except for a house. That's where I don't understand. If you came here and complained that they don't want to give you a loan, I understand, but a gift of money for a house, not at all.

When we were looking to buy a house, which we didn't because we couldn't afford it at the end, my fil said he'll give us money as well as my father, but with my father it was a loan, which we understood. At the last minute my father backed out. I don't know why. Now that's lousy.
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Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:22 pm
I didn't read your last thread, so in just responding to this.
I'm close to the 50's range. We B"H have married kids. Some with your sense of entitlement.
But being young they are self absorbed & cannot see any situation beyond themselves.
We have many more kids to marry off.
Each chasuna costs us between $30-$60K (set up expenses etc).
We have full tuition to pay as well.
Yes we give tzeddoka. Our kids are young & healthy & can feed themselves.
You don't have a down payment? I'm sorry , it took us 10 years to save up for a down payment.
Your in laws do not owe you a down payment.
I would love to give my kids down payments but truthfully I don't think it would be good for them.
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savta718




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:22 pm
I'm just curious.. Is your dh on the same page as you? I c u haven't mentioned him even once.
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anotherima




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:38 pm
I think you should just move on with your life and realize your in laws will not help you buy a house. What good does it do you to get angry and stew about it? Rise above it.
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Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:39 pm
amother wrote:
op here, my dh has younger siblings who r not married. To the woman in her late 50's, u missed my point. It sounds like u don't have much extra money to help ur kids. Perhaps if u did, u would help them. My FIL is worth a few million, owns real estate and donates thousands of dollars to various causes. If u had say, 5 million in the bank, are u honestly saying u wouldn't give ur own child a little help with a down payment?


Honey my kids talk just like you.
We are also worth millions on paper. We also have real estate.
What you don't understand is that we also have considerable loans which are secured by that real estate.
We have a retirement plan and everything is carefully balanced.
You are not privy to your father in laws financial situation.
Look at bettering your own finances not thinking about his.
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Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:49 pm
And just to give you some perspective .
It costs close to $1m to bring up a frum child. That includes tuition, camps , clothing, bar mitzvah, wedding etc..
Multiply that by 6-10 kids...
Your father in law has a clear $10m?
If he's like us he's working hard trying to keep up & ensure a retirement as well.
It doesn't look like you will be supporting him.. Like we support our elderly parents.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 6:53 pm
Wow, I only read the first page of the other thread but wow, just wow.
I'll let you in on a little secret. Most people enjoy giving gifts to people who show appreciation. Most people do not enjoy giving gifts to people who think everything is coming to them.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 7:04 pm
Going to add my .02

Maybe the supposed millions a being put away for retirement. Maybe they know that with kids like you, they probably won't be able to count on you when they need help, you'll be too busy nickel and diming their bank account.

Oh and the big tzedakah? Ever heard the concept of maaser?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 7:19 pm
I read most of the posts on the other thread and I do agree that you are not entitled to anything, however after reading this post, I can comment on your defense.

I don't think your issue really is the money that you're not getting, I think it's that your fil seemingly cares about other people more than he cares about his kids.

I am In a similar situation. While my father doesn't have the millions, and he does help us out in his line of work, he totally puts other people ahead of his children. And that's hurtful.

I am used to it because that's how I grew up, but my dh cannot get over it. He does tremendous good and I'm super proud of him, but I do wish he'd genuinly care more about his children.

Interestingly the mitzvah is KABED es avicha, honor your parents, and not respect your parents. So keep honoring them and realize like I do that the good they do does help us out in of hand ways (like, oh, you're so and sos daughter, I'll help you because your father helped me when I needed it. .)

Hope this makes sense
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 08 2014, 7:25 pm
OP, when I was newly married I hate to say that I shared a little of your sense of entitlement, partly because of the society I grew up in, and partly because I was too self-absorbed. When I read threads on imamother, although I didn't like to hear it, the wise women here taught me that nobody owed me ANYTHING. And I'm really happy they've taught me that.

My situation was different, my father and father-in-law had both promised a certain amount of support and fil didn't hold down his end of the bargain. My first child was born right away, with a genetic disease. With the added medical bills we didn't have money for groceries. My in-laws don't have money, but any time they took a vacation or did anything of the sort my blood would boil. I am now working to support DH through school. Money is still really tight, and my child's disease hasn't gone away. But I have learned that no one owes me anything, and by looking ahead rather than around me I am a happier person. I wish you the same.
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