Never received a Baby gift from my MIL

imorethanamother

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 1:11 am

To me it would be obvious to buy a baby gift for a grandchild, but I actually do understand it from the other side.

I'd like to think of myself as a generous person, but often I'm just really clueless. For a long time I never knew it was a thing to make food for a shalom zachor, or chip in for flowers at a vort/bar mitzvah. My sisters in law will buy my kids something and I want to smack myself on the head because I forgot all of their kids' birthdays.

I moved, and suddenly there were dinners and people helping me move. I mean, I had dozens of friends move over the years and it never even occurred to me to make dinner for them!

I'm sure your mother in law cares about you and your children. She really does, even though it's not tangibly offered, like with a present or a Shabbos meal. Some people are clueless like me, some people have a hard time remembering to buy a present (that's actually also me), and some people are overwhelmed in their own lives and it's hard for them to see someone else who needs something from them. It's not malicious.

allrgymama

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 2:06 pm

OP, I want to add that my in-laws and the entire rest of the family live in Israel while DH and I live in America. Based on what I know, I'm sure that if they saw us more often (I've been to Israel twice in six years of marriage and my in laws are too old to fly here) there would be slightly more gifts.

Do you live local to your in-laws, cause that might also be it.

amother

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 2:17 pm

amother wrote:

I never yet received anything from my Mom. Hope this will calm you.

Me neither. My mom spent thousands on my siblings and their kids for my wedding and didn't offer me a dime. Never got baby gifts from her. Luckily I dont need anything from her.

ValleyMom

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 4:27 pm

My MIL showed up at the hospital with bags and bags of beautiful new clothing when our first was born. It was overwhelming because my parents are NOT gift giver, check writers-from time to time but NO gifts.

The bags of clothing took time, patience and energy-my MIL was a lawyer and a busy woman so I was really speechless when she showed up with so much stuff.

Davida

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 5:06 pm

I'm surprised about the comment about sending a meal if money is tight. You can find a one sie for $6 at carters, you can't make a meal for so littler. When I send a meal to a family, I hope they realize that easy way out would have been the $6 onesie!

Sanguine

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 5:09 pm

out-of-towner wrote:

Oh goodness! Another one of these threads?

Agree!!

My MIL gave me the best gift for my baby. She gave me a wonderful father for my baby. This doesn't mean that I think my MIL is perfect. It means that I didn't read that book that says my MIL has to give me a gift.

Barbara

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 5:24 pm

Sanguine wrote:

Agree!!

Not really.

"Entitled" is "my mother in law has loads of money, and she only offered us a Graco stroller; she should have purchased the Stokke Crusi we really wanted."

Not so much expressing disappointment at a failure to acknowledge what is usually a gift-giving occasion. "Gift" could be an outfit or toy that costs less than $10, a book, an heirloom blanket. It doesn't have to cost much. Its the acknowledgement aspect, the "yes, this is a wonderful thing, and I am so happy" element.

And its not "giving to DIL" or even "giving to son." Its "giving to my new grandchild."

amother

Vanilla

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 5:50 pm

Not everyone buys gifts for birthdays, graduations and similar occasions. But I do think it's a little odd not to get a baby gift from your MIL. I am not saying this from an entitlement point of view, it's just that most people are excited to get something for their new grandchild. As other people mentioned, you can get a $6 onesie from Carters if you can't afford more.

But it was probably not with malicious intent if you did not receive a baby gift. Perhaps the mil never received gifts herself and is just a little clueless?

Last edited by amother on Mon, Feb 05 2024, 11:27 am; edited 1 time in total

SRS

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 6:03 pm

Should you be offended? Don't waste your time please.
Is it nice and appropriate to buy gifts? Sure.
You mention this isn't your first kid. Perhaps it is completely possible she didn't know what to buy, figured she would get around to it, and hasn't got around to it. Some people are far better at the gift giving thing. As for me, I feel like I'm always behind and sometimes the wedding gift or baby gift for a first time mother is months behind too.

zaq

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 6:04 pm

amother wrote:

yes, but when your fil spoke to your dh a few days after the baby was born and offered to pay to send you to the kimpoturin home, you just went and didn't even thank your mil it. It was her money too that paid for you to go.

Do you know the OP or is this theoretical? Because I was going to say it's possible that fil or mil gave their son, who happens to be OP's dh--money for the baby, and he just put it in he bank w/o telling dw about it. Or they may have opened some sort of investment or savings account of which they retain control and of which the baby is the beneficiary, without telling OP and her dh, with the intent of presenting it to the baby upon his coming of age, whether that means bar mitzvah or turning 18. It seems odd to do so and not inform the child's parents, but they could have their reasons. Nothing like surprising someone with a nice chunk of change when they least expect it.

amother

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 6:48 pm

I wish my mil wouldn't give me gifts. She spends too much money (money that she can't afford) then she harasses me for the next few years. "How's the baby liking this, how's that toy doing, do you want an extra piece for that toy, make sure you count all the pieces before you go to sleep at night, so you don't lose any...(like who really does that)then she will remind me how much money she spent. I told her countless times how my kids would be happy with a $2 book, but she won't hear of it. It's not always so pleasurable to receive gifts from ppl. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, she's just emotionally not a well woman and I can't deal with her craziness. I buy my kids their own presents now LOL

amother

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 7:13 pm

My ils are super wealthy Andover the past few years have given tons of stuff to my sil s but nothing for my past baby and prob not to the next one that is due soon. Do I feel hurt? Definitely. Especially since my parents are struggling and give us a small gift each time which is hard for them...

We are self supporting and although it hurts to watch others get, I ve learnt that it's not important enough to ruin a family over.

Whatever we are meant to get, we ll get some other way.....

flowerpower

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 7:22 pm

Getting a gift for your new grandchild, his upsherin, bar mitzvah, etc...is called common sense. It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive. It shows that they are excited to partake in this nice simcha. It would probably bother me a drop too.

amother

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 7:26 pm

amother wrote:

Wow, ok op here . This is not my first child and I don't expect much , hardly got anything for the first one either but like someone said, yes when I have my own grand kid iyh " I will want to buy something, even if its just a small onesie or something. Im always giving her gifts for yom tov etc.... It would just be common decency of her to give me something. Acknowledge your grandchild , or if u dont want to do that, then come visit or invite us to your house. I just feel like she has no interest at all and dosent even care, by giving a small gift she would show something,.......

this is a horse of a different color. it's not that you're upset about lack of gift, it's the lack of excitement from her. perhaps if your thread title would have read, "MIL doesn't care about my new baby" it would have evoked more sympathy. either way, your hurt feelings are justified.

amother

Mon, Jul 14 2014, 8:33 pm

My MIL has never bought us anything either, she has no money, so I understand, she barely acknowledges my kids at all.
She doesn't give bris, upsherin, bar mitzvah, bas mitzvah etc. I just wish she'd make my kid feel good at their time of simcha.
My parents, don't have money either, but make a big deal for the kid, no presents besides a sefer or two for bar mitzvah.