Out of town Wedding. Who pays travel expenses?

luvinlife

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 3:39 pm

observer wrote:

Although it does sound like the daughter has a sense of entitlement, it also sounds like you do not know how to relate to adult married children.

Firstly, you do not expect one spouse to go to a family wedding, and not the other. Aside from sending a message that they should separate for x amount of time, which many couples dont do (especially in shana rishona), you are also sending the message that your son in law is not really part of your family. It's one thing if you said "Here's $1000 towards tickets" or "Here's $1500 toward tickets". That would have been very different. Its not just the wording, its the message behind it.

Additionally, it surprises me that you would even remotely entertain the thought of having her sleep with the little girls on mattresses and have him sleep in a room with boys. They are a married couple and should be treated as such. That doesnt mean you have to pay for their accommodations, but you should be of the understanding that of course they will need a private room. It sounds like your whole mindset is that your daughter is still single, with a tagalong husband. I think this mindset will only cause more and more issues down the line.

That doesnt mean you have to pay for their accommodations, but you should definitely not have expectations of them to sleep separately.

For the sake of all your married children, please change your mindset toward grown married children and treat them with appropriate expectations.

cs1

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:16 pm

I had two of my in laws get married in israel.
Both did not live there and just wanted to have the 'israel' dream vacation wedding. We are from the usa.
Dh and I went to the first wedding, even though it was very expensive and hard for us.
For the second wedding, only dh went because that week didnt work out for me. I clearly told my sister in law that if she made the wedding anytime before that week I would be able to attend. But her friends were able to fly that week so she made it then.
I do know that it took a long time to put together the money for both weddings. In addition to the ticket, we needed a car, and food. We stayed by our grandfather so a hotel wasn't necessary.

We would never dream of asking il's to pay for the wedding and they never offered.
Im not sure why yoyr daughter has this sense of entitlement and not sure why you are even offering to pay for one ticket if you cant afford it. She is married now and should grow up and pay for everything herself.

amother

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 8:23 pm

Tablepoetry wrote:

I agree. OP's offer seems pretty natural, and many people I know would not raise an eyebrow.
Obviously there are more sensitive people out there, so she should word it as a bulk sum for the two to split on travel fees as they see fit. But in of itself, it's not offensive or weird IMO.

Also, some people seem to have misunderstood. OP was not planning on putting a married couple to sleep on mattresses with little kids. She was planning to only put her married dd there, which seems fine to me as she's still a young woman. The problem was if the new spouse came along too, they'd have to then pay for a separate room for them, an added huge expense.

OP, make sure sil knows he's loved and valued in general. Other than that, don't beat yourself up over this. You were generous.

Right. No one else seemed to understand the sleeping arrangements. I explained that we have no room for a couple. One person yes as they can share a room. How in the world can we get a larger place? We'd need 5 bedrooms & in Yerushalayim a regular apartment is already costing $6K.
I suggested the couple could stay in the mechutanims town (it's cheaper )but DD refused.
I never said "I'm paying for you only" , I said "I'm giving you one ticket, either can use & you'd need to pay for the other". They also want us to pay for their accommodation , food & transportation & trips. Because they have no money and aren't prepared to work in jobs they don't enjoy so they can save up.
So ladies do the numbers: $16K for airfare, $6K accommodation , $2K on transportation, $500 make up, $7k wedding. $31.5k not including the one ticket for the couple or any clothing. B"H I have a dress from DD wedding & so do most of the younger girls. Now if we add the couple; $2600 airfare + $800 accommodation = $3400
So yes we're going into debt, something we can pay off with hard work over the next year or so. Of course the above did not include jewellery , candle sticks, clothing etc for the chosson & Kallah.
And for those who mentioned DD wedding, no we didn't have a choice with both the mechutanim & the couple pressuring us without destroying shalom.
Maybe we are pushovers but we wanted to preserve peace.
But hey, being that a poster here has already given me the worst MIL award
Maybe I should have.

sweetpotato

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 9:02 pm

Your daughter sounds very entitled, and it also sounds like you have issues with her beyond this instance. I agree with the posters who say that going forward, you should offer a set amount of money toward travel expenses IF you can afford to do so. Perhaps you can talk to your daughter and simply say "Abba and I really want you to be able to come to DS's wedding, though we know it's going to be expensive for you. We want to give you a gift of $X amount to help pay for your tickets and lodging. This is what we can do."

It sounds like your daughter simply expects you to bankroll their entire trip, regardless of the cost. That is unreasonable and immature. If she expresses as much, tell her it's unreasonable and immature. You didn't choose to have DS's wedding abroad, but it's the reality. You have a finite amount of money and it sounds like you are doing more than your best with it. I'm sure that you have chosen the most budget-friendly options available in terms of your family's lodging and other expenses.

I personally don't get why, if DD and SIL can't both afford to come to the wedding, but could afford for DD to go, she wouldn't come by herself. I don't think it's a huge deal to leave your husband, even in shana rishona, for a few days. I guess that's her choice. I don't know how upset your son might feel if his sister isn't at the wedding. I'd personally do whatever it takes it make it to my brother's wedding.

Mazel tov!

amother

Tue, Jul 15 2014, 11:12 pm

ROFL wrote:

What happens if you offer x amount of money and you dd says thanks takes the money and then decides not to go to wedding. But to use it for something else.

OP. That's why I didn't offer the money.
It's happened before that I gave them money for one purpose & it was used for something else.
We help support them, we buy all their groceries.
Also paying for our son in laws dental work...
At least he appreciates it.

Imogen

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:50 am

Your married dd is old enough to be wife so lets hope now she is old enough to grow up, this is not her time, this simcha is about a different kallah and chattan. You clearly love your dd and have been generous to her in the past, do yourself a favour and let that generosity cross over from financial to emotional long term investment, otherwise oy vey when she starts wanting this or comparing that ....

No, sort it out now and do it with love, you sound very caring and up to your eyes in the expense of making a simcha, a well attended family simcha is nice, but a life time of respect is pretty good too. She is still in shana rishona, a good time to introduce change and maturity.

Op mazeltov, Your ds is about to be married, a time for nachas, focus on your love for your kids and just like we tell a child enough with the cookies so now tell the dd you love enough with the $$$, you will be giving her a priceless lesson in life.

abound

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 4:22 am

I live in a different country than my parents. Some weddings my parents paid one thicket and to some siblings weddings no ticket. They never said the ticket is for me and not DH. Actually they said the ticket is for DH Smile

. THey wanted us both but could only afford one ticket. We were fine with that.
I would think it is fine if they did not pay for any tickets.
Trouble is your daughter is married and it is too late for her to get some chinuch from you. But this attitude is not a mature or good one.

Abby2

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 4:49 am

OP, you are not the worst mil.
I completely agree with you. Your daughter is being immature and throwing a tantrum when she doesn't get her way.

My little kids do that, t's hard, but don't let the guilt tripping and tantrums make you change your mind.
It's draining and you sometimes feel like a terrible person but imho you are doing the right(or the most realistic) thing.

My sister got married overseas, my parents could not afford to pay for anyone to come(except the singles) each married child came, with their own money, without their respective spouses.
Obviously everyone wanted to be with their spouse, but we can't always get what we want.

The sooner your daughter realizes this, the better.

sara_s

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 6:24 am

BTW Op I read your expenses and it soubds like you're overpaying.

For 6k for a small apartment in Jerusalem, it sounds like you're being ripped off
Have you checked out AirBNB? A friend of mine rents out a 2 BR apartment in the center of Jerusalem for 400 nis a night, a bigger apartment shouldn't cost more than 600 NIS a night

And 2k for transportation?! That's 7000 NIS. Are you renting a minivan for a month? Getting a private driver?

Perhaps we can help you work out cheaper accomondation (with perhaps a spare room for DD and DSIL as a bonus) and a cheaper form of transportation

Tablepoetry

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 6:52 am

sara_s wrote:

400 nis a night for a flat in the centre of Jerusalem? Maybe your friend is undercharging.

amother

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 7:41 am

sara_s wrote:

Honey, we have a large family & a 4 bedroom apartment. Yes a large van & driver. We need to commute not only to the wedding but to all sheva brochos.
We can't fit into a regular mini van.
To accomodate a couple will mean 5 bedrooms.
Everything is a logistical nightmare.
We were shocked at rental prices but it's still summer then & accomodation our size is expensive - very.
IY"H it will be a wonderful simcha & I hope DD & SIL can come. I do believe they need to pay for their ticket & accomodation for their own benefit. Part of growing up. I also understand if they'd rather save the money for their future, which is even more responsible.
If I was in their shoes I'd go myself & not spend money I don't have...

shabri

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 8:00 am

amother wrote:

Sorry I have a 4 bedroom apt in the heart of Yerushalaim and the only time I rent it out for $6000 is the 2 weeks of succos. During other times we charge appx $2000/week. So yes $6000 is a lot unless it's over succos. There are also much less expensive places than where I live where you can get a 3 bedroom for 1/2 that amount. So you could get 2 3 bedroom places and have enough room for everyone.

Also look into swapping cars. We did that last yr when we came to NY and it saved both us and the other family tons of money