Why is my baby different? What am I doing wrong?

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:13 pm

SIDS is about drowning in your own carbon dioxide exhalate because your crib area has air that is too still. Your exhaled air does not move away from you. It stays on top of you, and you have nothing else to breathe therefore.

An adult's lungs have the strength to cause their own fanning, but an infant's lungs are so little and weak that they can't make enough wind, by just breathing, to move the air.

So the baby can get a heavy unmoving blanket of used air over his crib. He can't breathe that. So he suffocates. Drowns. Unless there is a fan, or an open door to the room, something to have air currents, drafts.

Yes, sleeping on the back does make the breath go upward. This might move his used air away. BUT.

But you still need a fan or an open door or cracked window, something. His lungs are too SMALL to do it themselves.

To me, the sleep position is not the main factor operating there, and I would also say, sleep position won't save you, if you have un-circulating air in a small closed room.

So I would say get a small fan and put the kid on his stomach.

Back sleeping does not sort well with how a human spine works. It also does not sort well with how a baby likes to feel something on his face, just as when he is at the breast.

No I am not a pediatrician or medic but that is my two cents. Stomach sleeping is what I did back in the day, without incident.

To each her own.

imasinger

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:30 pm

Dolly, you are entitled to your opinion, but the weight of the medical establishment is clearly opposed.

Since the campaign started in the 90's about putting infants to sleep on their backs, infant sudden death mortality rates dropped by 50%.

That's a lot of saved lives.

Google it. You will see this is an evidence based recommendation, supported nearly universally.

mandr

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:31 pm

imasinger wrote:

Ok but we implemented other things besides for back to sleep, which could have also contributed to the fall of infant mortality rates. Personally I don't have a problem with my baby sleeping on his stomach as long as he has good head and neck control.

MaBelleVie

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:37 pm

imasinger wrote:

The back to sleep campaign happened at the same time as a massive general SIDS reduction program. It is far from accurate to say that back sleeping alone reduced SIDS rates by 50%.

allrgymama

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:39 pm

Little Remedies makes liquid drops to relieve gas. You can pick them up in any pharmacy.

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:43 pm

I was told by a few health care professionals that SIDS rate went down more than the infant mortality rate, because what was before unexplained death is now attributed to other factors (suffocation, etc.)

But let's get back to the topic on hand, which is not back or stomach to sleep. It's how to help OP's baby sleep.

Lady Bug

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:54 pm

It might be food/allergy related. My oldest screamed for 3 months straight, until I went off milk and dairy and she was an angel after that. My baby now did the same as yours, no sleep, then crying from exhaustion, but still no sleep. I tried going off dairy, but that made no difference, I found other foods were irritating him (squash, chocolate, citrus fruits and drinks, fish) and his sleeping improved when I went off these foods. I also supplemented formula after each feeding to make sure he was full. Also, the stomach. He refused to stay asleep on his back.

He is still not the greatest sleeper, but at least he's not crying from exhaustion and he's able to fall asleep (with a lot of rocking, lol)

amother

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 2:59 pm

I have no time to read all the responses but I just wanted to tell the OP that that sounds exactly like my first baby, now 3 yr old. SHe really did not sleep AT ALL except for dozing while she nursed -- but if I would try to unlatch for even a minute to go to the bathroom, she would cry. It was not at all what I was led to expect from a newborn! The day she was born she hardly closed her eyes.

Now she is BH extremely smart and alert kid. Just like she was an incessant nurser, now she is an incessant talker and otherwise incessant kid -- I thikn that's just her personality. Our second is much mroe chilled and slept like a newborn when she was one.

The only thing I would have done differently, now with the benefit of hindsight, is stomach slept her. We got an alarm for #2 that rings if it dosen't detect breathing. Should have gotten the alarm and stomach slept #1.

boysrus

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 3:29 pm

amother wrote:

I have a one month old baby, my first.

Ever since he was born, he has spent a majority of his time awake.

I think he sleeps about 8 hours - maybe 3 in the day and 5 at night. Newborns need way more sleep than that...

When he's not sleeping he literally would feed the whole time if I let him. He feeds for nearly an hour every 2 hours or so, and then I have to take him off because I'm getting sore. He cries after that, and wants to suck about 30 mins later. I try to settle him and sometimes I manage, but usually he just gets more and more hysterical. He also has A LOT of alert time where he just wants to be held and then is happy.

I had an LC come and check the feeding aspect of thingsand he's latched on, putting on weight etc. I went to the doctor and they said nothing is wrong...

So why is my baby awake and screaming when newborns should be sleeping most of the day??? I'm on my own with him all day - DH is out - and by the end of the day I'm completely gone - exhausted to the point that I can't stand up, and really reall frustrated and angry, usually because my baby is screaming and I can't help him. I have no one to help me and I end up crying because I physically and emotionally can't cope.

Everyone I've spoke to has said, 'Well they only need feeding, burping and changing at this stage'. Like it's so easy. I have a few friends with babies the same age and they all sleep, feed, have awake time etc. like clockwork... even without a routine being implemented.

What am I doing wrong??? I feel like I have no maternal instinct.

Please dont be worried! All of my babies are like yours, it can be very hard, especially when your older kkids need your attention, it is also hard to find time for yourself. Those ladies whose babies are not like this have ablsolutely no idea what it is like, and do not ever understand why I look so wiped out still 6 weeks after giving birth . By the time my husband comes home from work I am ready to just throw the baby at him, poor guy. I have treated babies for colic and gas problems, nothing ever helped. Just dont worry about it, hang in there nad remember that 'It will pass IYH". one day th ebaby will get over it and so will you. just hang in there! hugs to you

acccdac

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 5:00 pm

if its not colic or food allergy.
it's possible he is overtired.

your baby should not be awake for more than 1.5-2 hrs at a time.
I noticed my current baby cant be awake for more than an hour without getting fussy. she takes more catnaps then my previous babies.

a morning may look something like this....she wakes, I feed, she falls back asleep during feeding. I hold her because im afraid of waking her. when I put her down she wakes, she is okay on her own but happier when held. I pick her up, rock to sooth and she falls back asleep, was only up for 30 min. she wakes 30-60 minutes later and I feed, she wakes up after I unlatch her, I put her in the swing, she sleeps until I wake her for a feeding, etc....

try seeing if a swing works, my baby did not like the lower laying position, but the higher one.
I have this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-P.....swing

observer

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 6:47 pm

Sounds like my babies... nothing you're doing different or wrong. Different kids are different.

eschaya

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 7:44 pm

Yes, most babies sleep 18 hours a day... but mine never did. My first slept only 8 hours a day, and only took 3 catnaps of half hour each during daytime hours. She was terribly colicky, and also is extremely bright (so both those suggested above are possibilities).
It will definitely be difficult for you for the next little while, but rest assured you are not doing anything wrong.
Pacifiers and sleeping on stomachs will very likely increase the amount of sleep your baby gets, but many are against pacis and stomach sleeping increases the risk of sids, so you have to weigh your sanity against the risks. I always made sure to put my babies on their backs for their nighttime sleep, but sometimes I gave up during the day and gave them a stomach nap so that they could sleep for one hour instead of just half an hour.
Hatzlacha. This too shall pass...

granolamom

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 7:57 pm

amother wrote:

I didnt read the whole thread, but I want to give you lots of hugs.
my first baby was like this. I felt like a complete failure. I cried as much as the baby. It is physically and emotionally draining. I want to tell you that you are as good a mother as anyone else. this is the way your baby came to you, you wouldnt blame yourself for a baby with any other kind of problem so dont blame yourself for this. some babies are hard to soothe. some babies have a hard time sleeping. my baby was not able to regulate her sleep or eat cycles. it was INSANE. this baby is NOT like other babies so please do yourself a favor and stop comparing. it will only make you feel bad. you do have maternal instinct but this sort of baby does not respond to normal maternal instinct or parenting. its not you, its the baby.

when I was going through this a friend of mine had her mother call me, this woman raised 13 children and had one like this. it wasnt her first so she was already confident in her mothering but it meant so much to me to talk to her about it. she was so non judgemental and confident that I was doing the same as every other mother and that its the baby's issue. but still, its hard when everyone else seems to know what advice to give. you know what to do with a baby that behaves typically, just like everyone else. but that's not what you got.

I dont know why you got what you got, but I will share this with you. *I* was devastated. I thought I had my life planned out, I was going to go back to work at 3 mo pp but my baby would not take a bottle and I didnt trust anyone with a non stop screamer. so I stayed home. finally I found dr sears's Baby Book and I tell you, it changed my life. slowly I morphed into this person I didnt know I was. I found convictions and strengths and values I didnt know I had. I am so proud of the mother I've grown into and it would not have happened had my oldest been a 'normal baby' like everyone else's. in hindsight, I see the reason (well maybe not THE reason, but part of it) that I got this baby. Hashem has a plan for you too. You are supposed to be the mother of this child, he needs you. No one else could do for him what you will do for him. And no other baby will do for you what he will do for you.
I want to send you lots of love and support, its not easy. and is it at all possible to hire a babysitter at least once a week so you could nap or get out alone? these babies are not for the faint of heart, you need to care for yourself, this baby needs so much from you.

I've btdt, pm me if you want to talk

acccdac

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 8:11 pm

just wanted to add that I heard that there is nothing wrong with putting a baby to sleep on their stomach during the day when you are around to constantly check.

my old school (she's probably in her 60's) LC, who was a postpartum nurse in a very good hospital before being a LC fulltime, took my sleeping baby off of me and put her on her stomach to sleep.
(just added this to say that even an RN did it, not a mother who read something in a magazine)

ohsleepy1

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 8:17 pm

Just to give you some hope, my son was like that too. Wanted to nurse all the time, was in constant pain even though he was latched on properly because he was always nursing! Always wanted to be held, etc. My husband would come home at 4pm and I hadn't eaten, showered, slept, or gotten dressed all day because I had to hold the baby or he would scream. At 6 weeks we bought a swing and he was SO happy to sit in it and I was SO happy to have my arms back most of the day! Just had a baby girl 11 weeks ago and I was nervous about this situation happening all over again but she is totally different baby! She sleeps nicely, eats for 20 min at a time every 2-3 hours, etc. Is calm and happy. Usually only cried when she's hungry or tired. Hang in there, it is SO hard, especially with a new baby, especially when you're nursing!! It takes a little time (a few more weeks) but it gets better. Mazal tov!

a1mom

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 9:09 pm

baby wear!
as mentioned previously Split pea is the expert on which carrier is best but I hear she gets a mazel tov, give her a couple of days then send a pm to her.

I liked the baby ktan for newborn- age 6 months, it really helps with colic and my baby who wouldn't sleep anywhere else, swing, stomach, carriage etc slept beautifully when she was worn. if you don't like the look then just wear it around the house, it literally saved my sanity.

chatouli

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 9:26 pm

My DS1 was like this. I read the Baby Whisperer and the Happiest Baby on the Block and sort of mixed them. Turned out he was overtired. We did the eat, play, sleep routine and used the methods from Dr. Karp's book to actually get him to sleep. He started taking solid naps in his swing, usually 1.5 hours at a time. He ate every three hours. Some babies just need to be taught how to sleep.

I remember my pediatrician at the time telling me with a straight face, "if he's tired, he'll sleep" - I think I said "you don't have kids, do you? I've been a mother for all of five weeks and I KNOW that's not true!" (He didn't have kids. I've since moved Wink

)

the world's best mom

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 10:07 pm

A lot of these things have been mentioned, but what worked for me was:

-Going off dairy

-Using a pacifier if he will tolerate it

-Swaddling- make sure it's nice and snug.

-Side/stomach sleeping (You can use a wedge to prop him up on his side if you are worried about stomach sleeping.)

-soft music

-Going outside- this sometimes calmed the baby, and it always calmed me down since I wasn't stuck home with just a screaming baby and the four walls.

ElTam

Wed, Jul 16 2014, 11:14 pm

OP, you are describing my oldest child. Will he take a paci? I second what others said about baby-wearing.

Some kids are just high-needs. They are sensitive. They need more stimulation and also more comforting. My DD#1 was held pretty much all day every day to keep her from screaming.

I also highly recommend getting good swaddlers with velcro (not just blankets) and reading the book The Happiest Baby on the Block.

sunny90

Thu, Jul 17 2014, 3:31 am

My current baby, age 8 months, was like that. He was an extremely kvetchy crybaby for the first 2-3 months of his life, unless I basically held him all day against my chest. Me, not anyone else. It was very hard. And I tried swaddling, putting him down when he wasn't OT, I tried everything. The only thing that saved me was the pacifier, and wearing him in the Baby Bjorn a lot of the time. He still loves it but he's getting a little too heavy for me!
But it gets better. Around 4 months he became somewhat happier for short periods throughout the day, 6 months he settled down a lot more, and I sleep trained him and now he takes two regular naps a day and sleeps pretty well at night and he is a deliriously happy baby (unless something in particular is really bothering him). Like literally, his default face is "yay!" LOL

I know you feel like this will never change and you will be stuck holding a screaming baby forever, I felt that way even though he was baby #3 and I KNEW logically it would eventually end, so kal vachomer with your first!
Sending lots of hugs your way!