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Invites Himself Over But Doesn't Like Veg Food
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:17 am
DH and I are vegetarians, and because of DH's severe allergy to dairy we do not have any dairy food in the house ever.

We have a single guy who comes over sometimes, about once every two months (he usually invites himself), who seems to enjoy our company/food but always remarks on how the food is vegetarian and there's no 'real' ice cream in a negative way. It's not playful ribbing, but 'So, is there going to be any meat in this meal?' in a completely serious way and then seems disappointed when we say 'no,' or asks why. He KNOWS we're vegetarian, and even though we don't react, it's getting annoying. It's gotten to the point that when he asks to come over, I let him know in advance that the meal will be vegetarian - any tips?
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:28 am
That sounds very irritating.

I think you are on the right track - keep reminding him.

Would you mind if he brought along some deli or something just for himself?

Try to make some heartier dishes when he comes. Maybe he doesn't find vegetables so filling.

BTW, any favorite recipes you care to share?
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:40 am
I don't understand the concept of inviting oneself over, and I really don't understand the concept of inviting oneself over and criticizing the food your hosts kindly provide. That's just bad middot.

I would tell him, "As you know, the meals will be vegetarian, non-dairy, as they always are in our home. If you're okay with that you are more than welcome to stay with us, but if you find that problematic, perhaps you should find other host. Alternatively, you can bring your own food."

Question: If he gave you advance notice, would you be able (or willing) to order out for him?
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Motherlee




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 3:05 am
This guy's is rudeness appalling.

He invites himself over and complains about what is served to him?

Commenting negatively about a host's food is always in poor taste.

In addition, you guys are vegetarian, which makes comments about the lack of meat or dairy even worse.

If this happens again, just respond, "This is what's on the menu. If you don't like it, lump it."
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 5:38 am
I typically make cholent or chili for Shabbos (esp lunches), and a seitan or tofu dish and a ton of salads. I always have tons of food, grains, veggie, lentils, beans - very filling dishes, but I think that mentally, this guy can't imagine being satisfied by something that doesn't contain meat or dairy.

We're vegetarians for ethical and health reasons, but the biggest reason why I wouldn't want him bringing in something is that our kitchen is parve. I'm also opposed to the idea that anyone has to eat meat at every meal - it's not a dietary requirement, and I don't feel comfortable helping anyone perpetuate that sort of myth in their head. I even make paleo food for my paleo friends!

I will post my chili recipes later! I also love making baked potatoes and offering salsa, parve sour cream, beans, olives, and guac as toppings.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 5:54 am
You can invite me instead of him. Sounds yummy.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 6:40 am
Sounds something like an old joke, doesn't it -- except not funny to you.

I imagine he has social issues, and that explains part of why he is single.

I would say that in the long term, the kindest thing to do is catch him in the act and educate him. Don't pre-warn him about your menu again, but do stop everything (take him out of earshot of kids if yhat is an issue) when he grumbles, and say, "I'm sure you didn't mean to, but you just insulted us. It is rude to complain about your host's food, especially when you called and asked if you could come here. By now, you already know that this is a pareve kitchen.We are happy to have you join us for a meal, but do not appreciate your complaining. In general, the only comment a guest should make to a host about food -- besides information on allergies -- is how delicious it was."
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 7:04 am
Your food sounds really good, I may invite myself to you next!
(I promise I won't complain about the lack of meat but you may have to sit down and rewrite all your recipes for me. Smile
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 9:58 am
why don't you say exactly what the problem is?

him: "wow, why don't you guys eat real ice cream? I really want some."

you: "it's rather rude of you to continue to bring this up when you come over. you have known for a long time that we are meat and dairy free. if you continue to bring this up in a rude manner, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you off our list of acceptable guests. these comments make meals very unpleasant for your hosts, who work hard to make the food that you otherwise enjoy."
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vintagebknyc




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 10:03 am
mummiedearest wrote:
why don't you say exactly what the problem is?

him: "wow, why don't you guys eat real ice cream? I really want some."

you: "it's rather rude of you to continue to bring this up when you come over. you have known for a long time that we are meat and dairy free. if you continue to bring this up in a rude manner, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you off our list of acceptable guests. these comments make meals very unpleasant for your hosts, who work hard to make the food that you otherwise enjoy."


or:
him: "wow, why don't you guys eat real ice cream? I really want some."

you: "you're welcome to bring soy/parve/tofu/non-dairy ice cream for ALL OF US to enjoy!"
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 12:53 pm
It reminds me of one of our guests who invited himself. I love to cook different things from very traditional Shabbos (Ashkenazi) food to anything else. I made menu options (food styles) for him before cooking and let him choose one. He did. Then he complained that there was no "Shabbos food"! When you know in advance what you are going to eat, especially when you invite yourself, don't complain!
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teddyb




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 1:20 pm
I think hes trying to be funny and doesnt realize that its not a joke... I know ppl (all male interestingly enough) like that who will always say the same "joke" and your like- dude its not funny and you sound totally immature, grow up already. They are usually lacking certain social skills (like reading cues).

I like the idea to just have DH tell him that this "joke" is not to be said anymore cause its insulting.
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:09 pm
you are doing everything right, it is totally rude and can be hurtful
he sounds like he has some social issues iykwim...
just try to ignore it and see it as a chessed
maybe it will help to feel bad for someone who is so desperate they need to invite themselves over to ppl just to have a normal shobbos experience
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ocee




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:28 pm
naomi2 wrote:
you are doing everything right, it is totally rude and can be hurtful
he sounds like he has some social issues iykwim...
just try to ignore it and see it as a chessed
maybe it will help to feel bad for someone who is so desperate they need to invite themselves over to ppl just to have a normal shobbos experience

This rings true.
He obviously is wrong to so what he's doing, but by saying something, you may be being rude too.
As frustrating as it is, try ignore it so you don't embarrass him by saying something horrible in return, and if you cant, then next time he invites himself, make an excuse, and say no.
Oh, and maybe if you feel empathy for him, and not pay attention, it will make it easier!
Applause for saying yes when he calls!
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:31 pm
ocee wrote:
This rings true.
He obviously is wrong to so what he's doing, but by saying something, you may be being rude too.
As frustrating as it is, try ignore it so you don't embarrass him by saying something horrible in return, and if you cant, then next time he invites himself, make an excuse, and say no.
Oh, and maybe if you feel empathy for him, and not pay attention, it will make it easier!
Applause for saying yes when he calls!


this is an attitude I don't understand. who says keeping quiet is doing a chesed? I have known many people who were not aware that what they were doing was hurtful. when it is pointed out to them, they often say thank you. people usually don't want to be rude, and they appreciate being informed when they are doing something wrong. the chesed would be to give the person a chance to apologize and change behavior.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:35 pm
Ocee I completely disagree with you. It would be much better to point out quietly that he's being obnoxious.
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ocee




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:35 pm
mummiedearest wrote:
this is an attitude I don't understand. who says keeping quiet is doing a chesed? I have known many people who were not aware that what they were doing was hurtful. when it is pointed out to them, they often say thank you. people usually don't want to be rude, and they appreciate being informed when they are doing something wrong. the chesed would be to give the person a chance to apologize and change behavior.

Perhaps I'd someone would quietly point it outto hhim tactfully, then yes.
But to reply with some of the replies mentioned above, is returning the kind in rudeness imo.!
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ocee




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:39 pm
sequoia wrote:
Ocee I completely disagree with you. It would be much better to point out quietly that he's being obnoxious.

Quietly. Yes. Respectfully. Yes.
It's important for the host to remember that his home is his comfort zone, and to respect the guest's dignity, so he doesn't feel hanged up on


Last edited by ocee on Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:43 pm; edited 1 time in total
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 2:41 pm
ocee wrote:
Perhaps I'd someone would quietly point it outto hhim tactfully, then yes.
But to reply with some of the replies mentioned above, is returning the kind in rudeness imo.!


I think that really depends on the tone of voice used. none of the responses should be said with anger in the voice, but a calm pointing out of rudeness when there are no other guests in attendance is just fine. I think people are a little too quick to tiptoe around issues. addressing problems does not make one rude.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 23 2014, 5:21 pm
Depending on whether I'm feeling cranky or passive, I'd either tell him off or just refuse to have him over any more. Probably the latter.
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