Spinoff-Product of a 1 Night Stand (diff situation)

amother

Wed, Jul 30 2014, 5:16 pm

So... this is really awkward. A few months ago, I was talking to someone who I thought was a widow whose husband had passed several years ago (based on something that someone else had said, I assumed she was a widow). Not knowing what to call her dead husband (that doesn't have a nice ring to it, now does it?) I said something about her DS's (using "son's father" as the expression).

She told me calmly but sadly that she had been raped and didn't know anything about her DS' father. I felt SO awful. B'h, her DS was in the other room playing and didn't hear any of this. However, my DH was there, and on the way home he reprimanded me until I explained that I had thought she was a widow. Even thinking about it now, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned anything about her dead husband. Some people like talking about their loved ones who have passed away, and figured since it was her DS's father, she probably spoke about him to her DS.

Now that it's almost Elul, and I want to apologize to her but I hesitate to. I've spoken to her several times since then, and she doesn't seem angry or mad at me. I don't want to bring up this situation to her if it will cause her pain, and it's possible she forgot what I said. I asked my mother, who said not to mention it because it might retraumatize her, and that apologizing might only make me feel better while making her feel worse.

Have you ever been in this situation? WWYD?

vintagebknyc

Wed, Jul 30 2014, 5:22 pm

amother wrote:

I guess I just want to emphasize to anyone who reads this that I feel TERRIBLE, so no one needs to bash me or tell me that I'm a horrible person. Believe me, I feel horrible.

I don't think you are a horrible person, why would you think anyone would think that?

and if it's bothering you, I do feel you should apologize IF it will make you feel better--tho it's obvious this woman is very open about her life. I don't think you did anything wrong.

causemommysaid

Wed, Jul 30 2014, 5:23 pm

she really shouldn't have told you. people with social graces don't go telling random people that they were raped in normal table conversation.

you didn't do anything wrong. she is socially awkward and it came across making you look bad. she should have just said "I don't talk about him", "We are not in touch" or "its been a while" or something to that effect.

vintagebknyc

Wed, Jul 30 2014, 5:29 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

I found this odd that she is so open but maybe I'm wrong. Do you think I'm off base?

some people are open about their lives, I don't think it's that odd.

I am an oversharer. while I work REALLY hard not to let thing fly out of my mouth that should be private, sometimes it just happens. that's my excuse for telling my neighbor (and now you, by proxy) about my breast reduction. Rolling Laughter

debsey

Wed, Jul 30 2014, 5:31 pm

I'd say something like "A while ago, we had this conversation. I can't stop thinking about it and regretting my accidental tactless statement."
I once met a colleague who I know slightly at a social event. I happened to patronize what I thought was her husband's store. I told her how he went out of his way to help me. She smiled and said thank you. When she walked away, a different colleague told me that they are recently divorced.
I thought...what a polite lady this woman was, just to thank me and not make me feel bad.
A long time later, I became friendly with this woman (partially due to my being impressed by her action) and I said the above - I was once accidentally tactless to you, when I praised your ex-husband's store. And she said "I knew you were trying to give me a compliment and make me feel good. Why would I want to repay that by making you uncomfortable?"
Wow...she's a class act. But I guess there are not so many of those out there.
debsey