2.5 year old extremely aggressive - need advice

Shayla

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 8:03 am

My 2.5 year old (going on 4) meaning shes so mature talks and understand stuff beyond her age has lately turned into an aggressive kid! Seriously, she says no to everything, spits ALL the time, potches and pinches me! After shes done drinking our eating or playing she'll spill the rest of the stuff or throw it across the room. She's extremely jealous of other kids (no other siblings yet shes my oldest) hits fights spits never shares her toys...she aggressive to babies too..

She always had sensory issues and I evaluated her but she didn't get approved cuz she was too smart.

Basically I'm trying to be consistent with time out and trying to show her lotss of love and give her attention and time. But noting seems to work. Whenever something doesn't go her way or even if it does shes just aggressive and doesn't.listen to me.

Any advice from any of u with experience would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!
Frazzled mom!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 8:09 am

I hate to break it to you, but it sounds to me like you have a totally normal child!

I remember this phase vividly. She's learning how to stretch her boundaries, and seeing herself as an individual person, with her own wants and needs - regardless of what you want! This is a very healthy stage. A child who is too compliant and obedient at this stage is often a red flag.

Try to find some good books on how to deal with tantrums. Keep your boundaries firm - and I mean IRON CLAD. If she spills, get a towel and make her clean it up. Every. Single. Time. Give her natural consequences for her actions. "You threw your toy? Toy is going to take a time out until you calm down." and then remove the toy for a while. When she promises to calm down and be good you can tell her how happy her toy is to see her!

With DD, I found that if I was really strict with her, she was really a happy kid. She'd want to fight me, but deep down she was desperate to know that I was in charge. Discovering how BIG the world is can be a very exciting thing, but it's really scary, too. Be her safety net and anchor, while she gets through this.

Can you tell me more about her sensory issues? I may have some advice on that front, too. BTDT!

5*Mom

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 8:11 am

Shayla wrote:

I've made this mistake. You need to think of her as she is: a 2-yr-old baby. She may speak and understand stuff beyond her age but it's unfair to use that against her and raise the bar as far as behavior that is expected of her. IME, this can set everyone up for frustration and disappointment. She's a baby, she's still learning and she has a long way to go.

What kind of framework is she in? Is she home with you? Does she go to a babysitter? A gan? In what way is she *jealous* of other kids? In what way is she aggressive?

Shayla

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 8:26 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Thanks I also thought I was overreacting but when I see her around other kids she strikes out as more aggressive and doesn't.behave like the usual.
Example: I was downstairs playing with her and kids were eating ices and they bought her one too. She threw it down the steps and hit the other kid. First I made her say sorry for hitting and then I asked her why she's upset and she told me cuz it was the wrong color and she was aggressive for the next half hour. Just bad mood! Spitting and yelling.

Her sensory issues are since she was a baby. Nervous, irritated, hates certain textures, always a struggle to get her dressed, struggle with her eating. Wakes up every few hours, doesn't sleep calml6. Needs to be prepared for any change in routine.
But I've read up on that and I do tonss of sensory play with her. Clay, water, sand.. etc.

Shayla

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 8:37 am

5*Mom wrote:

Could be I'm expecting more from her because she's such a mature kid.. that's possible! I'll try to concentrate on that because it just comes naturally to me to treat her like a big kid.

She's in a playgroup - bh behaves ok there.. well she gets aggressive and could hit but not abnormal.

Jealous? For example when we get together with cousins/friends around her age.. the younger ones she would hit,, throw them down, and fight with them. Like over and over even after I punish her and talk to her. And her age & older kids she would take away toys and claim it's hers also hit them and spit on them if they disagree with her.

5*Mom

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 8:51 am

Hmm, this does sound a bit extreme. For starters, I would suggest focusing a lot on pretend play/role play with her, using dolls, mentchies, puppets etc. and act out certain social situations that tend to come up and show her some more adaptive behaviors. Some children need an actual experiential model of how to respond in specific situations.

Since your daughter is very verbal, you can also try this: I have a game called "What do you say? What do you do?" It cost a fortune, but you can do this on your own for free. There are cards that describe a situation (your neighbor buys you an ices but it's not the color that you like. What do you say or do?, for example Wink

) and you can talk about different options for what to say/do. My 3-yr-old likes it when I say goofy stuff like 'hit them over the head with the ices' and she tells me why that's not a good idea, what might happen as a result, and what I could say/do instead. I wouldn't use an example of your dd's actual undesirable behavior as an illustration, though. She could get very insulted. You want to teach her gently.

I'd make sure to focus on activities like this every day, but make sure to keep them fun.

Shayla

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 9:24 am

5*Mom wrote:

Another thought: is she getting enough quality sleep? Eating well? Does she have allergies (my kids get that way when their seasonal allergies flare up but they're not normally like that, and that's how I know it's time for their allergy meds. They've outgrown this as they've gotten older).

Eating is good now, I use a.lot of distraction and get her to eat. Sleep is also ok she sleeps about 12 hours and wakes up 3 4 times a night.

No.visible allergies so dont think that's a problem.

I'll try the role.playing..hopefully it will help!

Thanks for your advice!

MaBelleVie

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 10:10 am

It sounds like the sleep is probably tied into the sensory stuff. I can only speak for myself, but when I wake up a few times at night I get pretty crabby and don't make the best choices. Even if I'm regularly waking so often, it just isn't quality sleep. I read a study recently that waking up a few times at night is equivalent to severe sleep deprivation. So your dd is running on a severely sleep deprived brain! That's a big deal.

Can you find a way to cover OT for sensory treatment? Either through your insurance or paying privately. It can make a huge difference in her sleep habits, her overall mood and demeanor, and her aggression. Doing stuff on your own is great but it sounds like she needs more. This isn't simply behavior, there is reason to believe that there is a lot more underlying.

Shayla

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 10:27 am

5*Mom wrote:

That doesn't sound like restful, restorative sleep. Do you know why she wakes so frequently at night?

She has been a really colic baby and.terrible sleeper! Im working on.her sleeping.schedule and the fact that shes in bed for 12 hours is now a huge.accomplishment for me.and her. I don't know why she wakes up.. I believe it's sensory related. She's just restless.
I'm working now on her not waking up during the night. Any ideas?

chaiz

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 10:33 am

Shayla wrote:

Is it possible to get a sleep study to figure out why she is so restless? Quality sleep is so so important.
Also, did you get an evaluation for her sensory issues? What are the specific issues? Once you have more specifics you can deal with it better.

Shayla

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 10:41 am

MaBelleVie wrote:

yeah she does have sensory issues and I believe the sleeping problem is part of it. and yeh It makes sense that she is sleep deprived. I am working on applying again for therapy through a different program. and I am looking to get into a sensory gym with her. I know it will help a lot to get professional help for this.

Shayla

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 10:46 am

chaiz wrote:

how do I go about a sleep study?

I got an evaluation for her but they said she definitely has sensory issues but not severe enough to get approved and they said its not affecting her day to day life cuz she has great motor skills and she's beyond average in intelligence and maturity. I said it affecting her social behavior, her eating and sleeping habits but they claimed she's still young and doesn't need to have such great social skills... and they gave me ideas on how to train her to eat and sleep better... they told me I can try to apply again when she is older if her social skills and sleeping habits don't improve.

so I am in the process of applying again.

5*Mom

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 10:48 am

Shayla wrote:

It might be the other way around, as MBV has said. I have pretty significant sensory issues myself (the defensive kind) which I have learned to manage well, but they are a gazillion times worse when I haven't slept well. And if I am chronically not sleeping well they become unmanageable. I think it might be worth it to speak to your pediatrician about figuring out why she is waking so frequently. Perhaps a sleep study as suggested above?

chaiz

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 10:56 am

Shayla wrote:

Have not done it for a child, but for myself and family members, we got a referal from primary care physician to relevant doctors. It was covered under insurance, B"H. I am not sure if there is a difference between pediatric and adult sleep labs. This is after checking for issues such as temperature in room and comfortable mattress. Could be that the mattress is not conducive to good sleeping.
Was the evaluation more specific than just sensory issues? If you have a better idea of what is going on, you can try working on it yourself at home before she can get therapy. But of course would look into sleep before doing anything else. Sleep is a huge issue.

Last edited by chaiz on Thu, Jul 31 2014, 11:02 am; edited 1 time in total

Shayla

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 11:01 am

chaiz wrote:

Have not done it for a child, but for myself and family members, we got a referal from primary care physician to relevant doctors. It was covered under insurance, B"H. I am not sure if there is a difference between pediatric and adult sleep labs.
Was the evaluation more specific than just sensory issues? If you have a better idea of what is going on, you can try working on it yourself at home before she can get therapy. But of course would look into sleep before doing anything else. Sleep is a huge issue.

what do you mean more specific? like any other problems? They said she had mild sensory issues and no other problems.

Shayla

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 11:03 am

chaiz wrote:

Have not done it for a child, but for myself and family members, we got a referal from primary care physician to relevant doctors. It was covered under insurance, B"H. I am not sure if there is a difference between pediatric and adult sleep labs.
Was the evaluation more specific than just sensory issues? If you have a better idea of what is going on, you can try working on it yourself at home before she can get therapy. But of course would look into sleep before doing anything else. Sleep is a huge issue.

when I spoke to my pediatrician about the sensory issues and sleep issues he dismissed the matter and said she's young and perfectly fine. I am going to ask about getting a sleep study as it is affecting her badly.