Declining a "Difficult" Guest

amother

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 4:28 pm

Okay - posting anonymously for obvious reasons. I invited someone over last week for Shabbos dinner, and she just responded, "Is it okay if I bring my neighbor Zelda?"

Normally, I'd say sure. The problem is that her neighbor, Zelda, gets into fights with EVERYONE, and I do mean everyone! She is VERY condescending. Zelda is a person who seems to get her kicks out of arguing with people, telling them that eating flour will make their unborn children autistic, that drinking soda will give them alzheimers, that Obama is a Muslim who is trying to steal all of our money and we have to hide it, etc, etc. When you ask her a question about her (outlandish) ideas, she responds that you should buy some of her e-books. Oy.

Zelda's also the type that likes to intervene, LOUDLY. When I served DS soda (a Shabbos treat), she looked at me and said, "You're going to do that to him?!" So, having her over is very uncomfortable. She has criticized our furniture, our clothing (not environmentally friendly), our cups... it goes on and on.

DH can't handle being around her - he's never argued with her or anything, he just can't stand her. She has left other guests in tears/enraged (telling an infertile woman that she caused her own infertility is a remarkably unpopular thing to say). She has had negative encounters with others several times at many different people's homes. I live in a small OOT community, and since she has a reputation for being a bad guest, she doesn't get many invites. She is honestly a pretty nice person - when she's not lecturing you or telling you that you will have a child with 8 heads. I told my friend that we were having a guest who didn't get along with her neighbor in a moment of desperation (I was on the spot b/c I saw her at the supermarket) - how do I tell my friend, um, her neighbor is never invited because she's too difficult?

amother

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 4:38 pm

(Anon bec DH has said this to many ppl)
DH likes to say, if you read "All for the Boss", R' Yosef Herman z"l would have really intolerable guests. One once dumped a plate of cholent on him. He was patient, he was kind to everyone.

Unfortunately, I am not such a tzaddik. So (in his case people sometimes ask if they can come learn in his Bais Medrash) you are welcome as long as you're a polite guest. If you start dumping cholent on me, unfortunately, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Bekitzur, we might (or might not) aspire to or work towards one day be R' Yosef Herman. But if we're not holding there now, I don't think we are expected (by Hashem) to make ourselves or our family members uncomfortable.

We're supposed to do mitzvos with simcha. Of course, if you don't enjoy fasting on Yom Kippur, you have to do it anyhow. But the mitzvos that don't have a shiur - such as hachnasas orchim etc - you do as much (and when and how) as you're able to do besimcha.

sequoia

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 4:45 pm

amother wrote:

. But the mitzvos that don't have a shiur - such as hachnasas orchim etc - you do as much (and when and how) as you're able to do besimcha.

Or pru u'rvu Wink

*ducks*

Learning

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 4:46 pm

I think your responsibility is first for your children. I don't think it is good for them to be around her. Invite her during the week for lunch if you like. The excuse could be dh doesn't want her. She makes him nervous or anything else. You don't have to compromise dc for that.

amother

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 4:49 pm

The problem is that my friend asked for both of them AFTER I invited my friend- so my friend will have to deliver the news back to her. If it was just Zelda, I could make some excuse - but it's also a sweet girl who I invited!

mummiedearest

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 4:49 pm

just tell your friend no. it's not that hard a word. she asks, you say no. I bet she knows why you're saying no anyway.

amother

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 5:30 pm

We have difficult guests. We discuss the situation with our children ahead of time so they know what to expect and why we have guests who behave in ways that we do not tolerate within our own family. It's been a good way for them to learn and also to appreciate the stability of their own family.

chavs

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 5:42 pm

I'd say no, having boundaries is not a bad thing and making shabbos uncomfortable for everyone except Zelda and your friend is not fair. If your friend still wants to come, great, if she wants to reschedule, that's her choice and fine to imho.
Personally I'd never choose to have someone over who might hurt or be rude to my other guests, myself, my husband or put down my choices in front of my kids!

Barbara

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 5:48 pm

amother wrote:

"We'd love to have you, but it just won't work for us to have Zelda." Why not? "It just won't work."

Your friend doesn't have the right to invite others to your home, you don't have an obligation to host people whom you find unpleasant, and you don't have an obligation to explain why you don't invite certain people to your home.

If your friend cannot come without Zelda, just tell her "we'll miss you; perhaps you'll be able to come another time."

Chances are, your friend knows exactly why Zelda isn't invited frequently. My guess is that your neighbor invited Zelda to her own home, and your invitation is a great way to get out of it.

naomi2

Fri, Aug 01 2014, 12:57 pm

Barbara wrote:

yes!

Ruchel

Fri, Aug 01 2014, 1:04 pm

Listen. I was told on Imamother that you cannot refuse an unplanned guest (someone following a planned guest or pushing himself on you at shul). I asked the shaila and my rav said of course I can unless he's starving or something. So I assume a terrible guest, who isn't even knocking on your door, will be ok to refuse.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 01 2014, 2:46 pm

amother wrote:

DH can't handle being around her - he's never argued with her or anything, he just can't stand her.

THIS is the reason you cannot have Zelda over.

imasinger

Fri, Aug 01 2014, 4:31 pm

Barbara wrote:

This, especially the bolded.

My guess is actually that your friend invited them, then realized that she had double scheduled the date.

Eemaof3

Sun, Aug 03 2014, 10:53 am

Our difficult guest is our next door neighbor. We avoid him at all cost because after 2 meals with him we knew he would not be welcome any longer. Shabbat and Yom Tov should be pleasant for your family and if you know someone will spoil that you should not feel obligated to include him/her. For someone new, give him/her the benefit of the doubt but if you know there will be unpleasantness, do not do it!