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Forum -> Parenting our children
ISO long term overnight babysitter in BP for toddler
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Orchid




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 8:59 am
Dear OP,

The beauty of this forum is sometimes you learn about options that may not have occurred to you. No one is trying to bash you. No one misunderstands how hard it is to properly recover with a toddler underfoot. No one wants to stir up shalom bayis problems between you and DH.

We are just giving you options you may not have considered. Or perspective from a toddler's POV you may not realize.

Here's an option I did not see noted: can you send your toddler to an all-day babysitter, have DH bring him home in the late afternoon, and he stays home at night? Does your toddler wake up at night? If so, can your DH help deal with that? If he does not wake up at night, why the need to send him away for nights?

Please see if you can make any of the wonderful suggestions here work. No one doubts for one second you are a loving mommy who wants the best for everyone.
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Amelia Bedelia




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 9:28 am
amother wrote:
Yeled v'yala high school girls? I could use high school girls right now.... sure I'll take their number.


Just curious. What's a Yeled v'Yalda high school girl? Yeled v'Yalda doesn't have a high school.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 10:08 am
There are agencies in ny/nj who send nannies that move in for 24/7 that charge $465/wk.
please don't send your two year old away.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 10:17 am
When I give birth my kids all go away for 2 weeks including my toddler. None got affected for life. There is no way anyone that just gave birth can do it all. Its not healthu physically and mentally. My kids go to siblings so they know their cousins well. They ask me to have a baby so they can go. A babysitter that is known to be very loving and warm is a good second option. Having different random girls take out the kids every afternoon can confuse the kids more in my opinion. Kids do not come first. The mother comes first. A healthy mother= happy kids!
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 10:28 am
morahaviva wrote:
Harmed how? How would you like it if your husband came home and said "I got myself a second wife. But its going to be so hard for me with her at first, and you will only get in the way, so I am sending you away to live with a stranger until I feel I can manage both of you at the same time".

A kid cannot just be sent away to live with a stranger because you had another baby. Its traumatic enough for an "only" to become the "older". But to be kicked out of the house at 2?!? You are much better off getting someone to stay with you at home and help out. Even if it costs more money, sending your away will cost more emotionally.

And there are plenty of us who managed a second, a third, etc without help, all on our own .

I agree with everything except the bolded. This may be besides the point, but the general attitude of "others do it, so you can too" has been the cause of a lot of shalom bayis problems, mental and.emotional illnesses, and other societal problems.
As you know women are.different, strengths and capabilities are different, life circumstances are different. You endured postpartum recovery with no help and came out fine? Baruch Hashem. May we all be so blessed. Until we are, a statement such as the above bolded is dismissive of the legitimate weakness, exhaustion and pain that a woman endures postpartum. Not everyone, and dare I say most women, can NOT manage without some form of help, particularly if it's not their first child.

That being said, I agree that sending your child away for two weeks is extremely non-ideal. Do whatever you can to come up with an alternative solution, before you resort to that.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 11:01 am
Orchid wrote:
Dear OP,

Here's an option I did not see noted: can you send your toddler to an all-day babysitter, have DH bring him home in the late afternoon, and he stays home at night? Does your toddler wake up at night? If so, can your DH help deal with that? If he does not wake up at night, why the need to send him away for nights?


if I had a way to get him there. most baby sitters don't have all day hours. I live a couple of flights up bumping him down when I am 2 days after having a baby isn't an option. maybe after 2 weeks.

I suggested to my husband getting a night nurse and someone to watch my son... but he said no. I don't think I can fight him.
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bnm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 11:07 am
finding help isn't so simple either. See the OP wrote she doesn't even have a weekly cleaning lady at this point. I know every time I want to increase my lady's hours she just goes off.... mine is currently on sick leave or I would share her. High School mothers helpers are only available after 4:30/5. She would need someone to get the kid out of bed, dressed and fed and entertained for a few hours. live in help isn't always an option either, I've seen people posting about how they where expected to cook for the help and pander to their mishegossen. at 2 days post partum who has koach for that?!?!? She would need someone in her house from 8 am to 8 pm and if the mother is around the kid always runs to the mother.....
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amother


 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 11:13 am
bnm wrote:
finding help isn't so simple either. See the OP wrote she doesn't even have a weekly cleaning lady at this point. I know every time I want to increase my lady's hours she just goes off.... mine is currently on sick leave or I would share her. High School mothers helpers are only available after 4:30/5. She would need someone to get the kid out of bed, dressed and fed and entertained for a few hours. live in help isn't always an option either, I've seen people posting about how they where expected to cook for the help and pander to their mishegossen. at 2 days post partum who has koach for that?!?!? She would need someone in her house from 8 am to 8 pm and if the mother is around the kid always runs to the mother.....


Thank you BNM!

Exactly! I tried finding help while pregnant and didn't find any... I called a few babysitters that come to the house they wanted to come the hours that were convenient for them like 8 am my son isn't even up at 8 am! and leave by 4 so what am I supposed to do between 4-8 when he goes to sleep. He needs to be bathed and played with etc. a loving baby sitter can do that!
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aro




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 11:18 am
I really do feel for you and understand not want to argue with your husband on this, however there are sometimes that you really cannot compromise or give in, and to me it seems like this is one of those times. Your just as responsible for your two-year-old as you are for your newborn.

I actually never heard of this concept of send out toddlers to people they don't know overnight- let alone for two weeks. Kids at that age will always have to adjust to a new sibling and feel like their being "replaced" and that they have to share attention- but in his case- there actually is some truth to it. While there may be plenty of adults who have survived this and many other worse things- that doesn't not mean that it won't affect him in some way.
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Sudy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 11:27 am
OP pls pm me. I have a cleaning lady who has extra hours (only summer).
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amother


 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 11:48 am
Sudy wrote:
OP pls pm me. I have a cleaning lady who has extra hours (only summer).


Thank you Sudy if my cleaning lady does not show up this week I definitely will contact you. She's been my cleaning lady for 3 years but only shows up at her own convenience. I need someone permanent and reliable!
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Orchid




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 11:53 am
amother wrote:
if I had a way to get him there. most baby sitters don't have all day hours. I live a couple of flights up bumping him down when I am 2 days after having a baby isn't an option. maybe after 2 weeks.

I suggested to my husband getting a night nurse and someone to watch my son... but he said no. I don't think I can fight him.


Agree it is very hard for a postpartum woman to shelp a toddler to a babysitter. Could DH possibly take him to a babysitter and pick him up?

It's interesting that babysitters in BP don't have all day hours but they have all night hours.
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freidasima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 12:13 pm
Too bad you can't send out the baby to a wet nurse for two weeks while you recover at home, sans baby but with toddler for whom you get a babysitter to pick up during the day...that used to exist as well BTW but that was 100 years ago...

Kids are resilient and if you can't care for him, you just can't. Do you have any friends who would be willing to take your toddler during the day for the first week? Are they really all in the country? Any older neighbors who might be interested in making some money from 7 AM to 7 PM and bring him home to sleep? It's a compromise and you might need it for a month, not two weeks, but it's cheaper than a sleep away babysitter and less problematic for most children.

Hatzlocho and easy birth!
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Orchid




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 12:31 pm
freidasima wrote:
Too bad you can't send out the baby to a wet nurse for two weeks while you recover at home, sans baby but with toddler for whom you get a babysitter to pick up during the day...that used to exist as well BTW but that was 100 years ago...

Kids are resilient and if you can't care for him, you just can't. Do you have any friends who would be willing to take your toddler during the day for the first week? Are they really all in the country? Any older neighbors who might be interested in making some money from 7 AM to 7 PM and bring him home to sleep? It's a compromise and you might need it for a month, not two weeks, but it's cheaper than a sleep away babysitter and less problematic for most children.

Hatzlocho and easy birth!


That is key. It seems like OP doesn't really need him away at nights, but is resigned to sending him away at nights so as to avoid the daily shlep to a babysitter.

Perhaps someone can do that shlep for her so she can keep him home at nights. A neighbor, perhaps? Can even be a 12 year old girl - someone to shtup him in the stroller and hand him off to the babysitter a few blocks away.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 1:15 pm
Orchid wrote:
That is key. It seems like OP doesn't really need him away at nights, but is resigned to sending him away at nights so as to avoid the daily shlep to a babysitter.

Perhaps someone can do that shlep for her so she can keep him home at nights. A neighbor, perhaps? Can even be a 12 year old girl - someone to shtup him in the stroller and hand him off to the babysitter a few blocks away.


He sleeps at night but no my husband is away from really early till the late afternoon. I don't have any neighbors that I know that can do it for me. I moved recently. My old neighbor who I'm close with is in the country and lives 10 blocks away so it would be a big deal for her to come. If she weren't in the country maybe she would take him but still that wouldn't make such a difference because he doesn't know her either. I really don't have friends who can do it for me. The neighbors I do know are in the country. If I had someone to help I'd have them over helping me now when I am on bed rest.
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imokay




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 1:21 pm
Just something else to consider... The added benefit of keeping the toddler home is that u guys have a chance to settle into a routine, as a family.
Bc Have u thought further than 2 weeks? U will still b recovering and u will b dealing w a 2 yo who just got back his mommy after a long separation , plus found another baby in his home and will need to now resettle into a new routine. that sounds really hard too!!

Of course if must send him away, then that's what u must do. U will b fine, he will b fine and u will do the best u can to manage. Time will pass, u will heal, and u will c, it will have all worked out!

Bshaah tova!
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amother


 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 2:29 pm
oliveoil wrote:
I'm sorry, even if it's unideal, and the recovery is harder, it's a million times more ideal for her to keep him home.

Do you have any idea what's it's like for a kid to be thrust from his home into an unfamiliar home, with an unfamiliar family for two weeks? A toddler, who has never been to ANY babysitter and has no concept of time? To the child, that is not different than if the parents had died.

I know too many kids who were harmed by this practice NOT to speak up.
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 2:44 pm
If you do end up sending him away, I think it's crucial to do a couple of trial runs, maybe a couple of hours during the day for a few days with this new babysitter, and possibly a night as well - before you give birth. That way she's not a total stranger to him and he will feel more comfortable.
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 2:58 pm
morahaviva wrote:
there is a law called Paternity Leave. Only one state pays for it right now, but many states have a law making it illegal to fire someone if they take off time after their wife has a baby. If someone in the family was C'V sick, I assume he would take off... well, halachically a yoledes is considered in danger for 72 hours after birth....

"Many employers are required by federal law to allow their employees (both men and women) 12 weeks of unpaid family leave after the birth or adoption of a child under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). At the end of your leave, your employer must allow you to return to your job or a similar job with the same salary, benefits, working conditions, and seniority."


How many employees have to work in the company to get unpaid leave?
Many husbands in the frum world in small companies to which the law does not apply. My DH works in a company with about 15 employees, to which no maternity or paternity laws apply. Plus if he doesn't work nothing is done because he is the only employee at his site. He takes off for my labor and that is it. He cannot take off more.
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 04 2014, 3:16 pm
I would like to see some real evidence (studies? news articles? doctor's opinion?) that leaving a 2 year old for 2 weeks will harm them for life.
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