ISO long term overnight babysitter in BP for toddler

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aro

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 3:29 pm

And if just makes them really upset or anxious in the shorter term than thats fine?

gp2.0

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 3:42 pm

aro wrote:

And if just makes them really upset or anxious in the shorter term than thats fine?

When juxtaposed with a mother's well-being? Unequivocally yes.

(As if no one here ever does things that make their two year olds upset. As if kids never get upset for all kinds of reasons. http://www.studentbeans.com/ma.....rying )

aro

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 3:46 pm

gp2.0 wrote:

thats cute and all...and a great way of minimizing the real emtions a child will feel when they are left with a stranger for two weeks

gp2.0

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 3:54 pm

aro wrote:

thats cute and all...and a great way of minimizing the real emtions a child will feel when they are left with a stranger for two weeks

Bumping my request for studies, doctor's opinions, news articles etc. proving that children are harmed by being left with an unrelated caregiver for two weeks.

dimyona

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 3:58 pm

gp2.0 wrote:

Bumping my request for studies, doctor's opinions, news articles etc. proving that children are harmed by being left with an unrelated caregiver for two weeks.

Same. To the contrary, there are plenty of studies showing damaging effects of child neglect caused by postpartum depression. A common trigger of PPD is lack of support and outside stress.

flowerpower

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 4:05 pm

dimyona wrote:

Same. To the contrary, there are plenty of studies showing damaging effects of child neglect caused by postpartum depression. A common trigger of PPD is lack of support and outside stress.

Most kids adjust easily at this age to new surroundings if they feel secure. They have their bottle, blanket, pacifier, familar pjs.... Of all the many kids that I know that went away for 2 short weeks never got affected. They aren't being abandoned. Its not like that at all. Its the older kids that have a harder time ajusting to a new baby- from what I have seen. Now lets do a study on ppd- lets see how many that got good care and rest got it as opposed to those that were " superwomen" while being sleep deprived and overwhelmed.

rdmom

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 4:19 pm

Flower power. Thanks for making my point.

A healthy mother is a healthy child.
And yes, there is nothing wrong with a mother being selfish and looking after herself for two weeks and coming back refreshed to take care of the rest of the household.

It won't help the kids if mom is home but not emotionally available.

Orchid

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 5:04 pm

No one is saying she should be superwoman or that the child will be irrevocably scared for life.

People are just coming up with options she may not have considered.

Mama Bear

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 5:10 pm

Did anyone on this thread actually send away their child and see that it harmed their child or are you all just postulating?

It's the norm in my community and no one is harmed. I sent my then-3 yr old to a babysitter for 2 weeks. He's now 9 yrs old and a very well adjusted child. He was upset at me for maybe an hour when he came back. Then he slid right back into his old routines.

Kids are resilient. Kimpeturins need to rest and gather their strength.

busydev

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 5:19 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

was he sent to a total stranger? Thats the "off-putting" part IMO. Sending to family or someone he knows is very different.

ra_mom

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 5:39 pm

sky wrote:

How many employees have to work in the company to get unpaid leave?
Many husbands in the frum world in small companies to which the law does not apply. My DH works in a company with about 15 employees, to which no maternity or paternity laws apply. Plus if he doesn't work nothing is done because he is the only employee at his site. He takes off for my labor and that is it. He cannot take off more.

The family leave act only applies to companies which employ 50+ employees.

tropicalrainforest

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 6:56 pm

This is obviously a cultural difference , besides the heimish and chasidish families in my community , nobody does this .
Mama bear , I understand the idea of kimpeturins needing to rest but don't the mothers miss the kids . We are so focused on the kids needs , what about the mom ?

After my babies are born , I can't wait to go home and bond with my family and enjoy our new family unit . It is such a special time . I would just be worried about my 2 year old and not be able to concentrate on my needs . I guess everyone is different .

Op , I would try to get day help from 7-7 in my home . It would make me crazy sending out a toddler to a stranger no matter how loving she is .

Orchid

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 7:03 pm

Like I said, the sad thing is OP feels she must send out her kid for the whole night even though she doesn't need him out nights. She needs him out days and has no way to get him to/from the babysitter.

mummiedearest

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 8:37 pm

op, I'm afraid I don't have the number, but there is an organization called kimpeturin aid that sends women to help new mothers in their homes. I may be able to find the number, but I can't promise. perhaps someone here has it?

amother

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 10:30 pm

Orchid wrote:

No one is saying she should be superwoman or that the child will be irrevocably scared for life.

People are just coming up with options she may not have considered.

actually people have said that he will be harmed for life, you have not read the whole thread if you think otherwise. People didn't simply nicely make suggestions. They did everything but say the OP is abusive if she does this. Which is uncalled for.

Meglmom

Mon, Aug 04 2014, 11:44 pm

I am with Rd mom! I have been by a babysitter when I was two years old and nothing harmed me!! I have done the same with my two year old and perfectly healthy big boy now! I DO NOT agree with the poster who mentioned a baby nurse. I had one after my twins were born and for a singleton I find them being a burden. You have to provide them meals and they wouldn't do anything besides for look after the baby (they wouldn't even help out with a two year old) maybe there's exceptions but I did lots of research and 90% baby nurses do not do anything except for watch baby, so for me it felt like a burden making sure she's happy with the food I prepared cuz otherwise she was in a bad mood. I didn't read all comments but felt it's important for you to know if you might consider this.

Mama Bear

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 12:24 am

Yes, I sent my son to a stranger because no one in the family was willing to have him. He was a very difficult child.

As for missing our kids - no, we are so focused on the baby and recovery that there isnt much time to miss the older kids. as a matter of fact when I had my baby a year ago, my then 8 yr old son stayed with various relatives for a full 3 weeks because I just didnt feel ready to have him back home yet. (he's not as difficult as then, but he's a very high maintenance child and I need to be 'on' for him all.the.time. So I needed a wee bit more time to gather my strength). He wasn't harmed in the least. But again, this was relatives - but he was older, you cant send an 8 yr old to a babysitter.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 2:49 am

gp2.0 wrote:

I would like to see some real evidence (studies? news articles? doctor's opinion?) that leaving a 2 year old for 2 weeks will harm them for life.

I don't need studies, and I don't know if they are harmed for life. But the average 2 year old cries a lot and has a difficult adjustment period when you slowly ease him into daycare. A situation where he sees his mom every afternoon, and gets used to the metaplot gradually.
I can only imagine its a lot more traumatic to be thrown in a virtual stranger's house for days and nights on end. Having no concept if mom will ever pick you up. (Sending to family is different. Still problematic, IMO, but different).
I guess this truly is cultural, because this would never enter my mind as an option. Unless it were truly a matter of life and death.

I don't understand the 'given' that everyone has family help after a birth. Many, many dont.Not saying every woman has the same stamina, but no family help does not automatically equal an emergency.

Now the op specifically is worried she has a tendency to tough recoveries. So she does need help. A few options I would examine long before I sent a toddler out: how about the husband drop the child off every morning, and do pick up? And hopefully he would first take the toddler to the babysitter's home to get used to it.
Or how about advertising in all the local shuls for a mothers helper? If that doesn't work, then in the local college, youth groups, etc. Sure, it's not as restful when you don't have the house to yourself, but I think one must compromise for the older child's good.

Those who say the kid will be fine for two weeks. An older kid, 5 or 7 or 10, would be really unhappy to be sent to a stranger. (I am not talking about going to cousins). So al achat kama vechama, a toddler, who has no concept of time or the temporary nature, who needs mom more, who needs security.

The fact a two year old is not verbal makes it easier to dismiss his pain, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 3:00 am

And again, this must be cultural, but I can't imagine my husband not 'letting' me do something, let alone something so basic as refusing to send my bigger baby away when my smaller one is born.
No, not everything should become a Shalom bayit issue, but there are Red Lines.

OP, I wish you such an easy recovery you wont need any of our advice. But if necessary, I hope you manage to find help that doesnt require removing your older child from the home for a longer period.
If there's no choice, and you are very weak, and all other options have been exhausted...well, then you do what you gotta do. But personally, I'd first invest my all in an alternative.

freidasima

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 5:58 am

Op you wrote that you are now on bedrest. Who is taking care of your son now if you aren't allowed to get out of bed? I was on bedrest for my pregnancies and my husband would get my youngest baby up, and such baby would be in their crib until babysitter would come to pick them up and spend the day with them or take them out until husband would come home. I was only allowed to get up to go the bathroom, and this is with parents who lived down the block and could come over and help with the older kids or take them.

So who is caring for your son now? Or is your kind of bedrest not absolute.

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