Help. At wits' end :(

the world's best mom

Tue, Aug 12 2014, 12:20 am

Some kids are easy going by nature and others are much more high maintenance. My sensory kids were the type that could drive a mother mad (and they did a good job of it) while my others were quite pleasant, easy going babies. It has nothing to do with parenting.

In fact, I recently told someone that if my current toddler would have been my first kid, I would have thought his smiley, easy going personality was due to my wonderful parenting. Rolling Laughter

B"H, he came after his brother who screamed from birth until his first birthday and then wrecked the world for the next few years. Now I know that it's not anything a mother does that makes kids easy or difficult.

The good news is that children do grow up. They do learn to sleep on their own, and they do stop nursing eventually. The question is if we'll live to tell the tale of the sleepless nights and the running around all day trying to keep your kid safe and the cleaning up the debris of the out of control, endless hurricane while it's still in action. Yeah, those are the fun days that we have to live through somehow before we can finally have the kind of life that allows us to actually sleep a few hours a night and maybe even sit and relax for a few minutes a day.

seeker

Tue, Aug 12 2014, 12:35 am

The sick thing is that she IS the pleasant, easy going baby! Except at night. She could charm the devil himself. It's always been a bit of a challenge to keep up with her climbing habits but SHE is cheerful enough about that. She was always friendly and happy, not a particularly picky eater, developmentally on target (including no sensory red-flags), reasonably distractible when needed during the day (e.g. when big sis grabs a toy, it's easier to redirect the toddler), follows directions, even says please and thank you pretty consistently! We even had a couple of weeks going where she would lie down to sleep nicely in the crib by herself! But now she refuses to sleep and vehemently rejects anyone but me at bedtime, and NOTHING is working.

The real joke? My first was not a great sleeper either (I THOUGHT she was actually a horrible sleeper UNTIL THIS.) When this one was born she was still waking up at night most nights. This one as a newborn slept like a doll. I gave many thanks and praises to Hashem thinking that I had served my time with the bad sleeper and now was being gifted with the dreamy baby. First baby slept ONLY (almost. I think I recall some naps in the carseat...) in my arms for her first full YEAR. This baby from day 1 until about month 4 1/2 slept in the bassinet. Alone. Quietly. With that serene look on her face. I have no idea where that child went but whoever has her should please come trade back...

chani8

Tue, Aug 12 2014, 4:54 am

Put her in a toddler bed so that she doesn't have to be climbing out (for safety sake), make sure the room is toddler proof, put a mattress on the floor or a bed in her room for an adult to sleep there, and one of you sleep in there with her. Start off sleeping all night with her, then eventually try leaving the room after she falls asleep. You may want to just allow her to toddle into your room at night and sleep on the floor next to your bed. Only allow this if you're sure your house is toddler proof.

seeker

Tue, Aug 12 2014, 10:21 am

Our house is 0% toddler proof. It is safe for children to live in with adult supervision. We live in a small 1-bedroom so it is impossible to get EVERYTHING safe, really dangerous things are well secured but since she's a monkey-child anything can become a hazard. The small apartment is also a problem because if I let her cry too much it drives everyone else crazy and isn't really fair to my 3-year-old who goes to bed earlier (no nap.)

I have reached the end of my rope, though. Last night she went to sleep decently enough (only 1.5 hours of effort, fell asleep on my stomach and I dozed at the same time a little) but I stayed up after because I had important things to do that were just way too behind, and then when I finally went to sleep she woke up to nurse before I even fell asleep, and then she WOULD NOT let go ALL night. I now have to take care of my kids, home, and from-home-work-with-deadlines-tonight while my eyes are bleary and I have no energy. Tonight I think I am going to take my 3-year-old to my mother's house (she is away for the summer) so we don't hear the screaming, and DH will have to deal with the baby. I feel bad because she will be extremely miserable but I am so desperate Sad

I hope she isn't traumatized for life. I also hope I can trust DH to keep her safe and not just leave her alone to dive-bomb out of the crib.

seeker

Tue, Aug 12 2014, 8:54 pm

She is with her sweet and loving father and crying hysterically with no signs of calming. I'm in the other room out of sight. I can't stand this. So miserable. I feel like I'm torturing her. I almost let her fall asleep on me tonight because she did last night and it was a pretty peaceful way to START the night at least, but tonight she was not agreeable to that either. When on me, she cried "shluffy cribbie!" and then when in crib she cried "mommy hold you me!" did about 4 cycles of this and then threw in the towel. We spent a good portion of the afternoon and evening, with big sister's adorable help, talking about the upcoming changes (about how a big girl sleeps by herself and drinks from a sippy cup and not mommy milk at night. About how girls who don't sleep at night are too tired to have fun in the day. About how DD is going to sleep with special loving Tatty tonight....) but I don't think she was listening at all. It was hard to keep her attention. So I didn't even get up to worrying about whether she understood it at all because she didn't even hear in the first place.

Ugh I hate this, such a sad baby but I can't afford to lose my own mind either Sad

WHY is everyday life in a normal healthy family so darn HARD???

chatouli

Tue, Aug 12 2014, 10:39 pm

Is her nap too late in the day? Would skipping her nap so she's REALLY tired make things better or worse? I know I had never considered the possibility that a young two year old could outgrow napping, but my friend has one who stopped napping completely when she turned two and goes to bed with no fight at all now.

seeker

Tue, Aug 12 2014, 10:43 pm

She needs her nap. Sometimes it happens too late but usually not. Today it was a little late but not too bad - about 2-4.

She finally fell asleep and DH came out after that saying he felt like crying because she was so pitiful ("Mommy home? Mommy home?") I feel so vindicated. May this be a harbinger of good things to come... I feel so bad making my child feel abandoned but I HOPE she will just get into good habits and then we can move on to a happy normal life and rebuild our relationship when well-rested.

I wonder what will happen when she wakes up at 2 and I'm not there Sad

seeker

Tue, Aug 12 2014, 11:05 pm

I thought about it but I don't think that's what's needed. Melatonin is mainly good for kids who are not tired enough at the right times. She is definitely tired enough at the right times. She just doesn't know how to fall asleep!

Oy, what is going to be when she is denied her mommymilk all night Sad

seeker

Tue, Aug 12 2014, 11:12 pm

She knows she's tired and she does ask to go to sleep! But then she gets into all the shtick... climbing in and out... mommy, no mommy, mommy, no mommy... etc. She knows the routine and after big sis goes to bed she immediately comes to me, gives me that pitiful tired look and picks up her hands and says "shuffy Mommy... shuffy cribbie" and silly me, I fall for it every time.

Anyway I just saw you said it's only for over 2. Oh well. She won't be 2 for another two months and I don't think any of us will live that long if we don't resolve this faster. So hopefully the DH project will work, and if it doesn't at least maybe I'll get enough sleep to resume normal functioning and try again/something else.

If in desperation he brings her to me in my mother's house at 5 AM, I will cry and possibly put her up for adoption.

the world's best mom

Wed, Aug 13 2014, 12:07 am

You don't want someone to adopt her, just to borrow her or rent her for a few days. (Weeks? Months? Years? Whatever.)

May your daughter learn to put herself to sleep and stay asleep through the night really soon. Those days are really tough.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 13 2014, 12:28 am

Seeker, I've been following this post, and I have two words for you:

Duct Tape.

Just kidding. (kinda)

How about:

Try Melatonin.

It can't hurt to give 1/2 a milligram, even if she is 2 months shy of being 2. You might only need it for a few days or so until she breaks the habit.

Don't worry, I'm sure your DD won't remember a thing about all of this when she's older. When my DD was 18 months I went to Israel for 2 weeks. When I got home she was mad at me for about 24 hours, and then completely forgot about the whole thing.

chani8

Wed, Aug 13 2014, 1:07 am

No, no, no on the melatonin. It's an amino acid that does not flush out of the system, so it can build up and create toxicity and liver stress. Doctors have no idea about it's safety, they just assume that since it's "natural" that it is safe. Well, it's not.

Try something safe and gentle like chamomile tea.

ETA - you realize that melatonin affects the brain chemistry, right? You're messing with your child's brain development when you give it. Chamomile also affects the brain, in a more healing and gentle manner, and any excess will flush out.

seeker

Wed, Aug 13 2014, 9:42 pm

So night #1 with DH went fine, he said. I think she actually slept with him, not in the crib, not so comfortable with that safety-wise but the alternative is all of us going crazy so I'm hoping for the best.

Tonight ALMOST went fine except there was a disturbance as she was falling asleep and had to restart the process and the second attempt was much sadder. So she's breaking my heart, but now sleeping.

Last night I caught up on computer work while DH slept with her. Tonight I have a problem - my computer work is basically caught up, but my kitchen is breeding dirty dishes and fruit flies but I am exiled with older DD. I was hoping DH would either take a shift with DD or with housework but he is sleeping with the baby. I am afraid that if I ask him to transfer her to the crib, she will hear me and go back to square one. It's practically erev Shabbos! I guess tomorrow's Mommy Camp activity will be washing the kitchen and probably laundry too; I had been hoping for a park/picnic and some crafts... One day I hope I will get the hang of this having a family thing. Either that or I will get rich and hire some of it out. The cleaning for sure.