The poor amother with the rich in-laws needs to vent

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 2:03 pm

I am the poor amother with the rich in-laws. They recently came back from a two week vacation overseas. They enjoyed it very much and I’m happy for them.

I am down to my last $100. Our next paycheck will come next Friday. I have almost no food, we need Challah for Shabbos, and I will need money for laundry- I don’t own a washer and dryer. B”H we do have enough diapers for the week, so that’s one less expense.

Dh said he would ask my in-laws for money, but he felt bad because “they don’t have much either,” he says. Right. Anyway, he went to their house and my mil wasn’t home. So we have our $100 to last us for the week.

Thanks for letting me vent.

pesek zman

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 2:23 pm

Is there a tomchei Shabbos near you to get food from? Instead of challah (and if you can't make , which is obviously cheaper than buying) can you just but a box of Matzo? I'd advise you to do the laundry (how Much will that cost? $10? $15?) and buy the raw ingredients to make Shabbos ($30-$40 tops depending on your family size and menu) best of luck and try to have a good Shabbos.

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 2:28 pm

What's the long-term plan? Do you have a plan or does the "plan" consist of in-law support?

Why are you doing the budget - you seem stressed - why can't you just give the budget to DH to deal with?

Do you have a credit card?

You shouldn't be bumping up against your last $100. What did you do with your wedding money? Why are you living on the brink? Your DH, who comes from a stable family, should make a plan to save money and budget, and you should go along with the plan, even if it means taking a job and doing without extras for a while.

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 2:44 pm

Dh is in school and working part time. I am working. The plan is to get through his schooling and then he'll work more hours and have a better job.

I know my in-laws don't owe me anything. As I wrote on another thread a while back, it's just difficult when I can't buy food or diapers and they redo their house and choose the most expensive stuff for themselves. They do give us a bit here and there, and we are thankful. But it's not that much.

My Challah is bought already now. We have what we need for Shabbos. I'm just not sure how I'll buy food for next week.

Our wedding money is long gone. It wasn't that much and there was a time when we were both out of work. It went really quickly. We have no savings. Tuition takes care of all the money we make now.

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 2:50 pm

We do have a credit card, but it's maxed out. Dh doesn't want us to get another one, because then we won't be able to pay that one either. Neither one of us works on the budget- we make what we make, we pay tuition, and we scrape together the rest for food. If we ever have anything left, we pay some rent. Clothing is hand me downs, but that won't work for diapers. We buy shoes when we have enough holes in our old ones somehow. That's about it.

MaBelleVie

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 2:55 pm

Hugs, op. It's hard enough to be just barely scraping by, harder still when those close to you have plenty to spare. I understand that you don't feel they owe you anything, yet the fact that they have and don't give still stings. I hope you can find some comfort in the long term plan of being self sustaining with enough to cover all your expenses.

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 3:11 pm

$100 to cover laundry and food for a small family for a week is perfectly doable.

You work part time so presumably you can find the time to make a big batch of challah and freeze it. Doesn't make sense to buy it when money is tight.

Do you cook frugal meals?

Here's what you can do with your $100 for the week's food:

Shabbos: Fri night chicken thighs, rice, salad. Lunch parve chulent, salami, salad. Shaleshudos egg salad and carrot sticks.

For the week:

Breakfast: oatmeal, milk, sugar, cinnamon. Raisins if you have them.

Lunch: pb sandwiches, carrot sticks, apple.

Suppers: big pot of lentil soup to last several nights, served with toast; spaghetti; scrambled eggs and baked potatoes. Fresh veggies on the side if you have enough money.

Should get you to Friday fine.

Why are you paying tuition before rent?

You or your dh need to work more hours. My dh works 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs, and I work 1 full time job. Or, you need to get a job that doesn't pay peanuts. Did you say you work at a daycare? I can't remember from the other thread. Anyway, waiting for dh to finish school isn't the best plan for right now. Surely you can both boost your income a bit in the meantime.

Barbara

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 3:12 pm

amother wrote:

OP, I know you feel bad.

But you really do need to let it go. Counting your in-laws' money, and getting angry because they don't feel the need to provide support to you, isn't getting you anything but upset.

$100 for a week is completely do-able.

1 gallon milk = 4.59
1 jar pb = $3.99
1 bag flour = 2.99
yeast = 3.19
3 dozen eggs = $9
potatoes = 4.99
chicken = 10
ground meat = 7
cereal = 4
laundry = 20

About $70. Not exciting, but do-able.

I'd bake my own challah (in addition to the bread as above), but if you don't, add $6.

Prices from local outrageously expensive delivery service. I'm sure you could do better locally.

In the long run, though, you need to reduce expenses. Have you considered moving, or sending any children in school (you refer to tuition, not daycare) to public school?

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 3:15 pm

amother wrote:

My in laws are rich, very very rich. We get by. They don't owe you anything. If they want to help that's nice but not mandatory. Don't be jealous of their vacation. They earned it, you haven't.

I have issue with this. If your in-laws are rich, and you can't buy food for your family, they should help you.

esther09

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 3:32 pm

OP correct me if I'm putting words in your mouth - but I think everyone needs to cut out telling her to stop feeling entitled.

It's not about entitlement. It's human nature to feel jealous when someone close to you has a lot and you have very little. She asked for a space to vent, not advice on how to get her in laws to give her more money. I know if I were in her position I wouldn't necessarily expect a hand out but I would feel jealous, which is probably exacerbated a bit by fear and worry.

Op - good luck. I hope your situation turns toward a positive direction.

chayamiriam

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 3:33 pm

I disagree, it's not so terrible if parents help out their children when the children are working so hard to make it. It's not like the kids are sitting around and waiting for the parents to support them. Your obligation as a parent doesn't end when they get married it ends when the parent dies! I am an older single mom with married kids and not at all rich or close to it. I see my married kids working so hard and yes I buy my grandchildren all their clothing and help out with what ever I can. My kids do appreciate the help, my mom always helped me out to so it goes on I hope my kids will help out their own children when they are grown too. Life is very hard these days tuition, rent, food is very expensive, if I can be of help even a little when my kids are working so hard I am proud to do it!

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 3:37 pm

OP again- I have some meat in the freezer. Somehow, when I do my big weekly shopping, it always ends up costing more than $100 though. Last week was almost double, maybe because I bought cups, tissues, paper towels, diapers and shampoo. We should have enough of those things for this week though.

Barbara

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 3:40 pm

amother wrote:

I have issue with this. If your in-laws are rich, and you can't buy food for your family, they should help you.

We went round and round on this one before. But in the end, that doesn't help OP. The fact is that whether you think they should help, or whether you think they don't have to, they do not. And nothing we say here is going to change that. So can we just sympathize or provide ideas for her instead?

MaBelleVie

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 3:48 pm

amother wrote:

Make a menu for the week. Buy only the foods you need for that menu. Cups, tissues and paper towels are luxuries at this point. Diapers and shampoo you have anyway.

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 4:55 pm

I think you can cut your expenses more.

I don't buy paper towels. They're expensive and you throw them away and just have to buy more. I bought super cheapo washcloths and use those to clean up spills. Easy to throw in with the towels load of laundry. Ditto to disposable cups - it's throwing money away. Go with cheap walmart plastic cups. Write the kids' names on theirs so they're not constantly taking a new one from the cabinet when they want a drink of water.

Diapers, tissues, shampoo - you may already be doing this, but in case not, walmart brand is just as good as the name brands.

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 5:06 pm

This might sound crazy OP but if you look at shopping as a challenge and you make it into almost a game, it's kind of enjoyable seeing how cheaply you can live. There are a lot of ways to pinch pennies. Read The Tightwad Gazette (book) at your library. Listen to Dave Ramsey podcasts. If you work out a real plan for now and a real plan for the future, and stick to the plans, you'll feel empowered and more in control.

Have you talked to the Mesilla people who help families work out budgets? It shouldn't be that tuition is getting paid before rent. You may need to renegotiate tuition and maybe talking through your options with an impartial outsider would help you.

ElTam

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 5:16 pm

OP, if you have cups in the cabinet, you shouldn't buy cups. That's just one small example, but I would bet your spending has many other unnecessary expenses. I highly recommend reading the book The Complete Tightwad Gazette. It has lots of money-saving ideas and really makes you change the way you look at money.

When I was working freelance/a little here and there when my kids were small and was mostly a SAHM, following a lot of her advice was the only way we made it financially. There are lots of ways to trim your budget without feeling deprived. You may have to change the way you live slightly, and adjust your expectations, but it beats being down to $100 and wondering how to buy food and diapers. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I wanted to add that my father is very well off. He has never helped us financially. So I can hear where you are coming for. But they aren't going to do what they aren't going to do. So it's up to you to find more solutions, which sounds like trimming expenses and upping income however possible.