The poor amother with the rich in-laws needs to vent

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 5:18 pm

Sorry amother, but being poor is no fun. Having kids who are begging to have simple snacks and fruit that we can't afford is heartbreaking. Offering peanut butter as the only lunch option every single day is not enjoyable in my book.

I never heard of mesila. I pay tuition before rent because the school will not allow my kids to come until I give head checks for the whole year. Our landlord is very patient in waiting for the rent, so it gets delayed, often until we get our tax refund.

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 5:30 pm

amother wrote:

OP, Don't take this the wrong way. Is it possible that they are clueless to the fact that you guys are struggling?

Some people need to be told-Hey can you help me? Or maybe they don't feel comfortable broaching the subject.

I was going to ask the same thing.

They may not know how badly you are struggling.

Also I just wanted to share that I kind of had this with my in laws too. The one thing I would like to say to play devils advocate for them. There were nights where my mil at crackers for dinner. She fed the kids the dinner she made and her and her dh at crackers and rice cakes because they didnt have any other food. They always paid full tuition for their 4 kids (within a 5 year range, which means they were done with tuition quicker but had to come up with larger amounts in that time), they married off 4 children within 4 years. They cried poverty by my wedding and then I watched them redo their bathroom, buy a place in israel, etc.

It took me a while to come to terms with it, but I realized, they struggled, they struggled like I struggle but they probably struggled more. They had no parental support, they took care of elderly parents for most of my dh childhood, they did cheap family trips on points etc. My fil left for weeks at a time for business, etc. They "paid their dues". They give us money here and there, they do help us out but they are entitled to their current lifestyle. They earned it.

amother

Fri, Aug 15 2014, 7:58 pm

Quote:

Sorry amother, but being poor is no fun.

I disagree. Desperate poverty is horrible. But living on a low income is not. We lived on $20,000 a year for a few years. When you're in that situation, you have a choice. You can look at it as a challenge to manage on little, and be proud of your accomplishments, or you can feel sorry for yourself. It honestly is a choice. I enjoyed making do with little. It takes creativity and smarts and perseverance. Especially because you know there's an end in sight (your dh is in school), it doesn't have to be a terrible nisayon.

Imogen

Sat, Aug 16 2014, 6:03 pm

OP we all sympathise with you, we feel upset to think of a young family struggling. Look after your family, and look after your sanity. That means focusing on your home, if your in laws wanted to help you they would, for whatever reason they will not. Do not dwell on the unfairness of it all not out of concern for them but for your own wellbeing and shalom bayit.

Ruchel

Sat, Aug 16 2014, 6:06 pm

amother wrote:

Quote:

Sorry amother, but being poor is no fun.

Not everyone is at all crafty and creative or likes a challenge.

groovy1224

Sat, Aug 16 2014, 9:59 pm

amother wrote:

Listen, I sympathize with you. I do. But right now, pretend your in laws are poor as paupers. The knowledge that they could help you is irrelevant, because they're not. So take that whole element out of your mental picture.

It sounds like you need to figure out how to live within your means, limited as they are. If you're on a tight tight budget, there's no going to the store and having the bill 'somehow' come out to be over $100. You need to account for every penny. Before you put an item in your cart, ask yourself "is this a necessity? Can I get it cheaper somewhere else? Do I have a coupon to bring down the cost of this item? How long will this last? Can I buy a cheaper, generic version?'

And if your tax refund is large enough to be paying months of overdue rent, then you need to rethink how much tax is being taken out your paycheck. You're essentially giving the government an interest free loan, at the expense of your landlord.

Ultimately, you need to educate yourself on how to make it work on your income. You have all this energy to waste on counting your in laws money..use it productively!

HonesttoGod

Sat, Aug 16 2014, 10:08 pm

heidi wrote:

Uhh, why is there a baby in the picture? If you have no money for food, you should not be having children.

Wow tak about judgemental.

I can say straight out when I got pregnant there was money for another kid. Until I had that kid. Things came up in those nine minths and then add diapers formula clothes wipes , even the cheapest things add up.

amother

Sat, Aug 16 2014, 11:14 pm

Quote:

Not everyone is at all crafty and creative or likes a challenge.

Most people don't like their nisyanot. But we all get ours, and we can choose to moan about how terrible they are, or we can choose to use them to grow. OP says it's "heartbreaking" that her kids are asking for fruit she can't afford. My kids ask for fruit we can't afford all the time, and there's a simple word: NO. No, kids, it's not in our budget. My heart doesn't break over it, either. OP seems to think peanut butter sandwiches for lunch every day is something to be sad about. I don't get it. That's what I have for lunch, or else leftovers from supper. I guess that makes me a nebach case?

It's just reality that the majority of people don't have a lot of money. Nothing to feel bitter about.

OP's husband is embarrassed to keep asking his parents for handouts. Which is normal for an adult to feel. A healthy, competent adult should want to be self-sufficient and shouldn't be expecting other people to fund his life.

The book As Long As I Live, by Aharon Margalit, is great. He overcame tremendous struggles and he speaks at length about the importance of taking responsibility for your own life.

amother

Sat, Aug 16 2014, 11:21 pm

Thanks for all the replies. Some are very helpful, others are less so. For example, my baby has already been born. We will not kill her now because someone here thought we shouldn't have ever had her. The example shopping lists and menus were helpful, though of course they weren't exactly right for us. I just made my own shopping list, and many of the things I usually buy had to stay off. Cheaper substitutes were added. I think I have the right attitude now, though I still wouldn't call it fun trying to feed a family when you can't buy the foods they like to eat.

I want to say again that I am not at all mad at my in-laws. I enjoyed seeing the pictures of their trip, though I know trips are totally out of our budget right now. They probably don't realize what our budget is like, since theirs is so different from ours. When dh asks them for money, which has happened a few times, they do give us $100-200. We have a good relationship. The trip really didn't bother me, but the way they waste money sometimes does. Like I wrote in the other thread, (which was started by someone who wanted her in-law's help for making a down payment on a house- I don't remember what it was called), when they added a huge room onto their house and put in decorative windows all the way up below the high ceiling, and they chose the bigger windows for $500 more because the contractor said it would look nicer. I just wish she wouldn't tell me about the extra money they could have saved because to me that money would have helped a lot, and I wouldn't have spent it on bigger windows. I would have fed my family.

amother

Sat, Aug 16 2014, 11:33 pm

For the amother who wanted links to the earlier threads. The first thread was OP saying she was furious because she and dh were trying to save up for a down payment but her rich ILs weren't helping. Then she didn't like the responses, so she created a new thread that was essentially the same, where she said they were doing okay financially, but her FIL is a "lowlife" who deserves zero respect because he won't help them get a house. It also was revealed that they live in a super pricey neighborhood. So when OP comes on here a month later and says she's down to her last $100, it sounds like they're not being responsible with money, not that they're dirt poor.

http://www.imamother.com/forum.....rious

http://www.imamother.com/forum.....47879

losingweight

Sun, Aug 17 2014, 4:11 am

Please no one get mad at me, but if the OP is that poor that she must choose between diapers or food and has no money for anything else, she should apply for SNAP benefits and/or WIC. These programs are for people they seriously can't afford food. Once things settle she can get off them.