Hashem doesn't give you something you can't handle?

amother

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 2:20 am

Over and over in school and in life, I have heard this refrain. What does not handling mean? If someone committed suicide, they were able to handle their life and make a different choice? If someone in one's family dies (child, spouse, baby) at a young age and the person stops functioning for years, that means they should be stronger than they were?

I specifically want to know in regard to mental illness. I struggle with depression and anxiety. So what is my tafkid and purpose in life supposed to be? To be happy and work on it? I honestly feel like I can't control my thoughts. Yes, I am on medicine. Yes, I go to therapy. Yes, I ask Hashem to help me. But I do not feel like I can handle or control my moods, thoughts, and actions. When I am very anxious, I can't calm down. So I am supposed to handle being anxious?

I would like a proper perspective on this. If someone was raped or abused, their life is ruined. How are they supposed to "handle' being raped? Become closer to Hashem?

I sincerely want to understand how to view these difficult things. Please share chizzuk and hashkafos of what handling something means to you.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 4:43 am

I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. Hug

I can relate to a lot of what you said, and have asked myself the same thing many times.

If you'll take a look at the bottom of the page you'll see "related topics", and see how many times other posters have brought up this exact same question. It's a universal conundrum.

When I just can't seem to wrap my head around things, I read the Book of Job. Somehow, I find it oddly comforting. I also daven in my own words, and just pour it all out. It really helps so much.

mummiedearest

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 1:06 pm

that's not the correct phrase, I believe. afaik, Hashem doesn't give us tests without giving us the ability to pass them. yes, we do get things in life that we cannot handle. not handling does not mean we are failing. we don't know what is a test and what is not.

illness is illness is illness. you cannot assume that you have been given this illness as a test. please try to take care of yourself as best you can. and don't think badly of yourself if you have to say you cannot handle things. if you ask for help, others can help you. we wouldn't be obligated to help other people if everyone could handle everything on their own. please keep that in mind. there is nothing wrong with knowing when you have reached your limits.

amother

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 1:16 pm

I've questioned this for the majority of my adult life. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home. there was physical abuse as well but mostly emotional. I worked hard to better myself and b"h married an amazing man who's mother is manic, narcissistic and just mean. She has tried to break up my marriage/my relationship with my family, my relationship with people in my community. She calls up ranting and raving and cursing, etc etc. I have few friends because I've been hurt so many times that I just don't trust anyone. The one person I had a super close relationship with died after a hard battle with cancer.
Do I think I can handle this? no I am slowly going into depression and I see it but I believe that G-d just doesn't like me and likes to "play" with me for lack of a better word. Yes I'm sure I'll get yelled at for that but it's how I feel. I hate when ppl say you get what you can handle. That is NOT true - you get what G-d decides to give you and if you can't handle it you get judged.

Jewishmom8

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 2:21 pm

I have never liked it when anyone has said it to me when I had something bad happen.I have never said it to anyone either.
what has helped me is more the route of everything hashem does has a reason and that there is a purpose in this wold for suffering. and when we get to olam habah we will understand why it had to happen like this.
hugs...

gittelchana

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 2:24 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so sorry for your troubles. Crying

I'll take the courage to post under my name, you can PM me if there's any way I can help you.

I won't get into the specifics of what difficulties I have in life, I'll just say that there are multiple areas of extreme, paralysing constraints on life for myself, my husband and our family.

I thought about this Maamar Chazal many, many, many times. I used to question how is it possible to be so, I'm not managing! And truth be told, I often still don't manage. Or I don't manage the way I should/want to. So does that mean I'm just lazy? I don't think so. We simply don't have energy to deal when we're hit with another episode of the things which trouble us. Crying

But after much thought, I find this Maamar Chazal to be a great encouragement. It's kind of saying to me - keep on pushing, you can do it! Hashem gave you some more strength! You may feel like a failure now, but please don't give up! You can do this!

cityofgold

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 3:15 pm

I've thought about this before and while it might not answer every aspect, here's my take on it--
maybe we don't understand what it means to "be able to handle" a nisayon.

Maybe Hashem gives us a nisayon that is intended to be a life's work. Which means there will be so many ups and downs along the way.

Or maybe to Hashem, "handling" a nisayon doesn't mean being able to go about regular life right away, it's just living through it while it is at its worst and eventually coming out of it.

We often have specific standards of what strength means. Maybe we're wrong about our definitions.

mummiedearest

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 3:20 pm

I think we're wrong in our definition of a nisayon. we don't know what a nisayon is, and we need to stop assuming difficulties are nisyonos. we need to just try to get through things as best we can without trying to figure out what category these hardships are in.

amother

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 3:26 pm

Yeah, I have issues with this as well. I don't think it is a chazal, but it is a hashkafa that people like to throw at you.
I think it makes sense to me that if G-d is good, then it follows that he is not sending me unmanageable hurdles or suffering so he can see me fall flat on my face and laugh. He is on my side, rooting for me to win, and he believes that on some level I can.
But that does not mean that many times, since we are human, and life can be hard, that we do not feel that there is NO WAY we can handle this. The feeling is valid - it is not wrong.
And maybe the way we are supposed to handle it is to cry out to Hashem and say - HELP ME!

gittelchana

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 10:20 pm

amother wrote:

It is a Chazal - Talmud Avoda Zara 3a

amother

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 10:52 pm

First of all, HUGS.

I too have suffered from depression (I spent a few years drowning in a black cloud with therapy, and even now it's something that dogs me and that is my continual challenge though not as overpowering and constant as it used to be, THANK G-D.)

I'm not a tzaddik, nor very wise, but I can only share what I have come to realize throughout my own journey. I think that Hashem doesn't give a person what they cannot handle IF THEY BECOME THE PERSON THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE - meaning, while you're in the pit of despair, no, you can't handle it. But if you have the courage to take meds (like you are) and go to therapy (as you are), and you have the courage to confront the shortcomings in yourself that Hashem has given you (and are not your fault), you will eventually become the person who "can handle it". For instance, until this year, I thought that I would be cursed with recurring depression for the rest of my life. This year, after a lot of painful growing via EMDR and DBT for unrelated issues (other tzaros in my life - an ill sib, etc - "forced my hand" into going, and it ended up affecting my whole life), I've come to realize that there's a place of serenity in knowing that depression is a middah/shortcoming Hashem Himself has given me, the same way other people have anger issues or kleptomania or whatever, and my hishtadlus is to accept that it's a weakness of mine, to embrace that weakness as my own instead of blaming myself for it, and to keep on actively seeking therapy and growth that help make me stronger. (I like to think that if I don't feel like bawling or throwing up after a therapy session, I haven't really "done the work" I need to move forward... those sessions where I want to fall apart for a half-hour afterward are the ones I think of for days and days, and end up bringing about real change in my life.)

Suffering through depression is hell. But - and don't kill me for saying this, and don't despair over it either, this is only my own personal feeling - I would not want to have lived my life without it for all the money in the world. It has burned me and smelted me into a completely different person than I would have been without it, and not only do I like myself better for it, it has helped me be able to help others in my life and understand them better. This does not mean I don't have horrible days of utter despair where I hate my depression or myself, or days where I think I'm worthless and life is hopeless. But it does mean that Hashem has given me this challenge that forces me to think about myself and life through the guidance of a therapist on a level that many, or even most, people will never think of their entire lives. As my sister says of our sick sib (the trauma of which has nearly ripped our family apart and is still a huge black hole in every aspect of our family), we would NEVER EVER EVER have chosen to have our sib so mentally ill, or to be part of the craziness that descended upon our family because of that illness, but now that Hashem chose it for us and we have finally gotten our act together and decided to go to therapy and face the trauma and dysfunction head-on, we grudgingly have to say that the growth that illness has forced upon us as people is something precious we would never want to give up.

Please don't hate me if this only hurts you. If I would tell this to myself last year I would think the future me was crazy. But I hope you can find a place of serenity and feel this one day too.

This is also not to say that I understand why people such as schizophrenics were created - such levels of suffering boggle the mind and I guess only Hashem understands.

PS. Rereading this post I'm cringing - I sound so weird. I promise you I am a boring normal yeshivish working wife and mother, not some... whatever this post makes me sound like :-)